To tell friend I can't help anymore

[badfrodo]

Can I be a good friend to someone but keep my distance? Is that a good friend?

I have a close friend of 25 years that I care about very much. She's a good kind hearted woman but has made terrible decisions throughout her life. These include terrible partners, quitting jobs impulsively, running up huge debts and other crazy impulsive choices. We both had dysfunctional childhoods and I know why she is this way and accept her as she is and love her very much.

She emailed me yesterday asking for advice which is a regular occurrence. She sees me as the one who got their shit together and I have always been happy to help and encourage her. But she never listens or acts on my advice instead she tells me the reasons it won't work for her. That's fine, but I do find it annoying when I spend time researching options and she then dismisses them as impossible without consideration.

Can be a good friend whilst not giving advice even when she directly asks? If so how do I deflect her request for advice without being offensive?

I agree with Wolfie - just say - wow, I've no idea, what do you think would help? You can be sympathetic without charging in to the rescue if she always ignores the advice you give. But listen while she tries to sort herself out.

She's not looking to you for advice. She's looking to you as a way of legitimating the terrible choices she is making, by proving that she has no other option. It's a kind of codependency - she knows you'll come up with all of the sensible suggestions, she will then prove that she can't do any of them, and that will justify her in pursuing whatever course she's on.

I think the most effective thing you can do with people like this is to say "I understand why you want to continue doing this, but please think because I honestly and truly believe that you're headed for disaster if you keep this up. You're an adult, you're free to make your own choices, but my advice is that this is a mistake you will live to regret. But, like I said, your life and your choice". AND WALK AWAY!!
Don't take on her emotional burdens and worries yourself, and don't bother arguing. You're just giving her more and more opportunities, otherwise, to continue in the same devastasting pattern.

badfrodo
Knight in shining armour sums it up really - she wants someone else to make it all okay but only she can

Exactly. Only she can. So help her find the answer for herself, don't tell her.

Oh God OP I could have written your post. In fact I was just musing over a similar situation with my oldest friend wondering whether or not I should say something to her or just nod sagely and let her blast off.

Like you I've known her for years, since school though we never had a tough upbringing but for the last 20 years she just seems to take no pleasure from life, over dramatising her situations but doing nothing to fix them. She has previously asked for advice and it's been offered but she says exactly the same 'I can't do that' or 'that's easy for you' or the latest at the weekend when she told me to zip it was 'I don't need to hear easy solutions for my complicated life'. I was quite stung but also frustrated because it's like watching a slow mo car crash and you feel so helpless.

I stumbled upon this jcowleyfinancial.blogspot.co.uk and it really struck a chord with me. I'd say my pal was on any of the bottom four rungs depending on what situation she was dealing with but never on any of the upper four. It's so draining as you tread the eggshells wondering if you are saying/doing the right thing. I too am a fixer. Every likes a good rant every now and then but we only see each other about once a year and it's like a total offload from here where no-one else gets to enjoy the weekend. I know it's probably therapy for her in some way but for me it feels like I'm having a holiday weekend at Hotel Miserable. I don't know what to do about it but I actually fear for her mental health. for you, it's hard. Perhaps you could use the Accountability Ladder on her or print it off and give her a copy. I'm considering doing the same but am scared at the reaction I'd get.

Thanks for all the replies. Astute and insightful - much appreciated.

She never asks for money and refuses any help such as if we go for a meal or such won't ever be treated - is constantly embarrassed about the situation and not many people know. She lacks impulse control and can't seem to budget at all.

I am concerned for her with her housing problems but I am carefully considering what you've said and how to handle it all. Thanks so much.

just slowly thinking thru these replies and the user names are cracking me up :)