Having second thoughts about posting this already

[Tornbetweenthetwo11]

This is really on behalf of my husband as much as myself (he has no idea I'm posting this).
Little back story, I married Dh 8 years ago. We have 3ds and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 11 (almost 12). Dh sees his daughter often, and has an amicable relationship with her mother. Her mother has not bothered with me from the start and that is fine with me.
I dearly love my step daughter but I tread carefully as to not step on her mother's toes.
At the very beginning of our relationship, my Dh told me that his daughter's mother found out that she had contracted hiv. She had only found this out during a routine blood test as she was pregnant with her son (her second child after my husband's daughter) apparently she confronted her fiancé and all he could say was sorry! So we are under the assumption that he knowingly slept with her unprotected whilst infectious!
Personally I would have gone to the police and kicked him to the curb!
She confined in my Dh at the time (about 6 months before he and I had met) and he was furious on her behalf. He was discreet and has never brought it up. However, he soon discovered that not only did she not break it off with him, but he has continued to live with her and her dc's.
Fast forward 8 years to the present and my Dh has constantly worried about his daughter living in a house with a man who has such an immoral character to say the least. Clearly her mother cannot trust him! But I know my Dh doesn't want to ruffle feathers. Don't get me wrong, he does speak up when he feels he needs to, but how can you tell someone who they can and cannot be with? She has been quite vocal and often judgmental with my relationship with Dh and I just bite my tongue every time.

Anyway back to the AIBU part. Step daughter is now 11 and Dh thinks it's time she knows the situation. Her mother thinks this is out of the question. I honestly agree with her, I think that she doesn't need to know for a long time, but I also think that my motives are more noble than her mother's. I believe that her mum is trying to protect her pride rather than shield her daughter from the reality of the situation. For instance, I know for a fact that her daughter would lose respect for her mother knowing that she kept a man who has done such a horrid thing to her. Also her daughter absolutely hates him already! She constantly tells me that he is a completely inactive person in the house and is like a moody bad smell.
I think she shouldn't know at the moment, simply because she is a sensitive soul and clearly has anxiety when faced with issues.
My Dh has taken on board what I have said, but he is known to spontaneously change his mind!
Is he BU? Should I butt out?
Bear in mind that she is at an age where she is noticing that every one in the house is taking 'special pills for an upset stomach' and my Dh is worried that she will find out on her own and be angry with us for not telling her.

It’s not his information to share. No WAY should he tell her. And HIV is a very manageable condition these days. The daughter doesn’t need to know.

How much of the story about how your husband's ex-P contracted HIV are you assuming/filling in? That's a genuine question as you don't really outline anything other than:

she confronted her fiancé and all he could say was sorry! So we are under the assumption that he knowingly slept with her unprotected whilst infectious!
That he knowingly infected your husband's ex-P is an assumption on your part. Being sorry doesn't necessarily indicate intent.

The reason I ask is because the whole content of your post is predicated on this assumption. You'd have gone to the police, he is immoral, the woman is stupid for staying, your step-daughter would hate him even more.

Do you have any idea of the facts surrounding the transmission of infection?

She doesn't need to know yet and you shouldn't be holding back on telling him so when the opportunity arises but I think you have to accept this is outside your control. I would carry on trying to persuade DH not to tell her but I think I would also try to prepare for what will happen if he does.

DSD is going to need support so stuff like researching the facts about living with HIV, checking out whether any charities offer advice and support etc might be helpful so she has someone who is focusing entirely on how this affects her. Both DH and her DM will have their own agendas so having you as someone impartial she can talk to could be hugely important for her.

You have made many assumptions here including the malicious or negligence of the ex-wife's partner.

I think you need to back off and grow up. Facts and not guesswork are important here.

HWBVVVVU to disclose something like that when the ex partner has specifically told him not to.

It's a confidential health issue.

It's her diagnosis and up to the mother when she chooses to tell her children.

It's not just about your DSD - the mother has other children and it's very difficult to tell one and not the others when they may not be at an appropriate age.

It's also not his place to say how she was infected.

I'd go as far as to say him telling his DD would be not only inappropriate but spiteful and immoral.

i think it would be utterly shocking for your DH to talk about someone elses medical condition

as many have said. It's a totally manageble condition these days. She will not contract it from them if they are taking the correct medication.

So the only reason he seems to want to pass on this info, is to show him ( and her) up for making poor (in his opinion) relationship choices and for apparently being immoral.

This is itself is JUST bizarre. do you think your DH's ex should discuss his medical problems with their DC?

It's yet another example of people with HIV being vilified for having it in the first place.

I doubt very much that he knowingly gave it to her, it is much more probable that he didnt know he had it. and even if that is not the case it's none of anyones business why she decided to stay and forgive or how she deals with having it in the first place.