To stop contact with kids and ex

[ThisLittleKitty]

I know I shouldn't have to ask this but ex always makes me feel incredibly guilty and that it's my fault he doesn't see the kids.
-so ex only ever sees the kids at mine (won't take them to his/claims there is no room for them)
-recently went 10 months without seeing them and didn't meet the youngest till she was 6 months old
-seen them 3 weeks ago again for the first time in 10 months and hasn't seen them since

• refusing to make an plans or set any days in which he will see them. Tells me he shouldn't have to.

-hasn't seen them for 3 weeks because I'm "in a mood" and he will see them again when I'm not. -refuses to pay any maintenance as me wanting maintenance is me "having kids to get paid" he has avoided working so he doesn't have to pay but is due to finally start a new job after 3 years! And says he will quit if I go to CSA but he won't pay himself either. Aibu to cut all contact??

Let him start the job then contact CSA. So what if he quits, you'd be no worse off than now.

Stop facilitating contact and let him go to court for access.

I'm very clear on equal rights for fathers but he's no father as per your description.

I’d let him do the running but I wouldn’t force it. Sounds like a waste of space of a man.

AIBU to cut the contact.
If he isn't sticking to his side of the agreement, you need to resolve it through official lines and have everything documented. As in really everything. If he doesn't want to see them, text him, mail him, whatsapp him and have it confirmed in writing.
If he avoids paying maintenance and starts working, again, have it documented.
You cannot just stop the contact or anything or it can be used against you.

YANBU in the slightest - cut contact with the waste of space, he is no father to them, let alone a "daddy".

Given that he's not even paying you maintenance for these children that he co-created, he is not fit to parent and you, and more importantly, your children will be better off without him fucking them up emotionally.

And even though you have to go this alone, your children will know that you're a strong mother who put them first and protected them from such a disgrace of a father.

Good luck.

Contact with this waste of human life is not actually useful for your children.

Stop initiating anything. If he wants to see them he can get in touch.

What do the kids think?

They want to see him but obviously if he won't I don't know what to say to them. The oldest says "daddy's gone missing" I'm angry at myself for letting him see them again after 10 months as they were finally just getting over not seeing him and now he has come back and abandoned them again and I'm having to pick up the pieces.

Same position here. I'm 3 years on. Just walk away. There is quite literally ZERO you can do to change the situation, besides protect your children from him doing this disappearing act and upsetting them all over again. If you don't keep them away from such cruelty then they will grow up messed up beyond belief.

I ended up with a Non-Mol against him and a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent him from trying to take our daughter as he's on her birth certificate so if he had without the order in place, then there wouldn't be anything the Police could do. Now I have the order, (as highly unlikely as it would be for him to take her as he hasn't seen her in 2 years!) if he did, he'd be arrested for Kidnap. Just gives extra peace of mind. Good luck

Df has gone to live with the elves in the North Pole

Should cover it.

Then leave it to him to see a solicitor -

Gosh, he is rather getting things all his way, isn’t he? He sees his children only when he can be arsed and doesn’t even contribute to their upkeep.

It might be worth asking MN to move this to Relationships.

Let him know he has no right to enter your home and must organise an alternative venue for contact. Also tell him contact will only take place on a regular, scheduled day and time or not at all as children need structure. If he can't agree to those two points he can't have contact. Make sure you are promoting contact but with boundaries in case it goes to court which by the sounds of it, it won't.

Plus say that all contact with you must be by email / text. When emailing / texting, be completely emotionless and matter of fact.

I've been a similar experience. Do you think it's fair on your children to have him in and out of their lives? Or to have a dad who can't be bothered? I cut my ex out. 5 years on and the kids are settled, they don't get upset that daddy doesn't turn up. They don't go through the heartache. He hasn't been in contact for years now.

If your ex can't be bothered then don't do the work for him. He is making a choice.
Do what's best for your children

Please don’t just stop contact, however much he is a pain in the arse you say that the children want to see him and they have a right to this. First of all make a proposal to him for contact; this could be at a contact centre if your house is not appropriate. Or suggest that he takes them to see grandparents; however he needs to understand that he can’t just cause them upset and distress by walking in and out of their lives. Tell him that you are doing this so that there is some consistency and regularity for DC. If you apply to court you will have to attend a mediation meeting on your own first. Make sure that he is also invited to attend one. If he doesn’t go, that is useful information for the court. If he does not stick to the contact you have offered, tell him that he will need to apply to court or start mediation.

He won't take me to court I'm confident of that. He has a 10 year old child from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen since the child was 4 and has never taken the mother to court.
I've offered him contact centre he isn't bothered. He can't take them to grandparents as both his parents died long before I met him.
He lives 2 hours from me so I believe he doesn't want to travel down here for 2 hours to take them to the park and travel 2 hours back home again which is why he thinks coming to my house and staying here over night (not in my bed!) is best.

I wouldn't be stopping contact, but I'd certainly stop facilitating his shite version of parenting.

Offer him regular days on which to have the children at a place of his choosing. If he won't take it up, that's his choice.