To ask what the presents are?

[Deinkdrama]

DS's first Christmas. Have asked everyone to let me know what they are buying to make sure we don't all double up with similar gifts. Have been told by PIL they are keeping gifts a secret as 'we might tell him (DS)'. He's 10 months... Laughed, "but seriously, what are you buying?" And was told they weren't telling but that we definitely won't have got the same. Made to feel like a right killjoy when I wanted to know.
May be PFB but AIBU to want to know who is getting what? We have a tiny house, not that much room for big, flashy surprises (which the PIL have form for) and I just want to double check. Maybe I am a killjoy!

Honestly, I think that's perfectly fine to ask and I think they are being unreasonable in not telling you. It's the first christmas for him for all of you and it's understandable that you don't want to get him something and have it ruined by the fact they've gotten the same thing and vice versa. I think it sounds like they're actually making it all about themselves and that's a bit weird and selfish. My ILs once gave our dd a very special and sentimental gift (it was a toy from MIL's childhood that she'd found cleaning out her parents' attic after they died, a very nice one that we could never have afforded to buy ourselves, that she had personally restored herself, she's very crafty). They told us what it was, but asked to keep it a secret as in not showing us what she had done with it until Christmas day. She was really proud of all her efforts in repairing it and painting it and she wanted to make it a surprise for everyone. But she still told us what it was, just wouldn't let us see it. Not that there was any realistic way we could have been buying the same thing (like I said, we could never have been able to afford to buy it restored from someone else). But at least we had an idea of what it was. I think they could be a bit less weird about it all and give you some indication of what it is so that you can plan accordingly.

^She's not trying to manipulate and control what others buy (as a PP has suggested), this is about making sure the present SHE is going to buy isn't a duplicate, she hasn't told anybody what to get. Why is this not obvious???*

Because OP has also said there are certain gifts she wouldn't want (anything too big for example). That makes it more than just "oh, lovely, I'll get him something else then" conversation.

Just wait til he gets older and the flood of requests of “what should I get him” come in. You’ll long for the days when people thought for themselves!

I ask my sister what she is getting because we have form for buying the exact same gift but every one else can fend for themselves. To be honest, I love the excitement of seeing what people have gifted her.

MonkeyButler, id take steps to house the gift again, as I've done before. I'd be grateful. If I'm honest it is extra effort and expense I could do without putting out right now but I would, for my DS and PIL. No issue there! I wouldn't cause a problem, make a scene, just prepare!

I absolutely don't think you're being unreasonable to ask. I think they're being extremely odd for not telling you. Was it them that bought the jeep? Who on earth buys an electric jeep for a baby?! That you then had to go out and buy something to store it in?!

My parents and in-laws always ask for ideas for what to get our daughter (she's 6 now), so we can avoid duplication and steer them away from anything we don't want. We also have storage issues so it's understandable that you don't want anything that takes up too much room.

Your in-laws sound utterly bonkers. I'm surprised FIL was able to keep a straight face when he came up with that excuse as to why they wouldn't tell you what they'd bought in case you told your son.

have it ruined

It’s a bloody Christmas gift. Hardly “ruined” if two the same turn up. 🙄. As I said, my sister and I have form for that, I can’t recall anything being ruined because of it.

Yes, they bought the jeep. It is fabulous and I am certain he is going to love it when he's old enough to use it. It was waiting for us when I got home from hospital. A shock, but I was grateful nonetheless!

I don't think you're being grabby at all, just practical. Congratulations on the twins - at least that way if you do end up with duplicates you're ready prepared for when the twins are old enough....

They don't want you dictating their Christmas gifts. I don't blame them!

Has the OP managed to harness the art of turning back time then? I must have missed that. I thought she just wanted to know what they had bought so that they didn't buy the same thing? Which is entirely sensible.

YABU - simply because I really dislike the idea of 'planning' presents with other people. For me, Christmas is all about shopping for a gift, finding something I think that person would love, then waiting for Christmas so I can give them my surprise gift.

I know a baby doesn't really care what they get, but the principle is the same. A relative of mine likes to plan the presents and always wants to know what I will be buying her DC - and also likes me to tell her what to buy my DC. I always feel like saying let's not bother - we may as well buy the things ourselves and just swap labels! There's just no thought there - I think it's a real shame and takes all the fun out of it.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask what they're getting, so you can avoid duplicating. That's just sensible, especially when there is also a lack of space to be considered.

I think they're being a bit weird about refusing to disclose what they've bought, and can only think that they know it's going to be something that is either inappropriate or too large, but don't want you pissing on their bonfire. I can understand that you're trying to avoid upsetting them if it IS something too big, but hey, if they know that what they're buying is too big for your home, then they just have to accept that you can't take it. I mean, what IS the point in buying stuff just to end up offended because you can't fit it in to your home? I cannot be doing with that level of self-centred "giving" - it's all about how they feel about it, and not about the recipient (especially not at 10mo!)

Let it go this time, and if it's too big, then leave it at theirs again. If they get pissed off, explain as politely as you can that you had already warned them that you don't have the space and if they'd told you what they were planning, you could have said beforehand and avoided any upset.
If they don't take it on board, then you're going to have this battle every year, and they're going to be pissed off a lot of the time!

Doesn’t sound grabby at all! Sounds sensible to know what’ people are buying so he doesn’t get everytbjng the same.

I think its sensible having an idea of what people are buying. they not have to be specific but a rough idea would be nice. but tbh they sound pretty selfish in what they are giving, a gift shouldn't cost the recipient unknown costs or stress. if I had been given a massive jeep we couldn't store I would ask for the receipt to exchange for something suitable not spend out on additional storage.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or grabby. I took twins hone to a one bedroom flat so I know what you mean about space. My heart would plummet at the knee buckling percent generousity.

You asked, she said 'no' You laughing it off was the right course of action.

Good luck OP

You're not being unreasonable to ask but I think they may be looking forward to seeing all of your reactions on the day. If they have lovingly chosen it & spent time thinking of a suitable gift then the icing on the cake is to see your little one opening it & they feel its important to keep it a surprise! They also may want their present to be the 'favourite' and are worried you might try to out-do them if you know what it is! You'll have lots more Christmases to enjoy OP and your child will always get gifts you wouldn't choose yourself, last year my DD got 3 of the same present, she couldn't believe she was so lucky she got 3! It's not worth the stress honestly, smile, enjoy & keep any duplicates aside for friends babies/charity/2 new siblings! Best of luck.

Actually I think you asking is a good idea, especially if they bought a newborn an electric jeep FFS. That's not normal and I think I would be a little bit worried about Christmas actually!

Melissa & Doug? Really to be frank I'd rather have the plastic tat if people buy that over properly made wooden toys. They'rd flimsy and dangerous.
Surprises are better and if they're not right it's the gift giver that feels foolish for not having done some basic research.

I don't see anything wrong with asking. Maybe phrase it as "would we need to make some room free so DC can play with it?" or "I just wanted to check we didn't buy the same so thst we can change ours if necessary. " DH's XW had form for doing that when DSC were smaller until the year when they had 2 bikes and 2 sets of rollerblades and wanted to keep them at her house. I think she thought we wanted to copy her gifts, but as DH pointed out, if he had known what she was getting them then he would have bought the accessories, especially since they would have already opened their gifts at hers befire seeing DH.

My parents have a tendency to buy large, imposing presents that require rearranging things to accommodate without clearing this. I get you - it’s hard to balance being grateful for the gesture vs seeming ungrateful for the particular gift. I’ve currently got a massive, full size keyboard and stand in my hallway for my small child sent by grandparents. There is no room for it in the house. And she has one already, a very good one, but a more appropriate size. I have mentioned this, and they have said, oh well the one we got is better, so just get rid of the one she has —and really loves— . (No, it’s not better, just bigger). And returning it would foil their plans to get her the seat to go with it for her birthday. What 6 yo doesn’t urgently want a keyboard bench for their birthday? but I can’t say any of this IRL obviously as I’m clearly just ungrateful.

I see no issue in asking at all. Its not controlling and manipulative in the slightest. But then pretty much everyone I know tends to use things like Amazon wish lists or asks/gives suggestions on request, and shares with the adults involved (when it comes to children) to avoid duplicates.
I like buying gifts, but I like buying gifts that I truly believe the receive would want and desire. I don't need the whole "watching someones face for their reaction at my surprise gift" type thing, like some people do.

I think I will wait and see for this year. I truly do not wish to cause any upset nor come across as ungrateful or grabby. Thanks for all of your input, those in favour and not 🙂

I don't think you ever came across as "grabby" and can't imagine what those posters who suggested you did were thinking!