Upset over an ex who died

[Eleast]

This is crazy. I'm basically a nosey person on Facebook, and sometimes random people pop in my head and I look them up just to see how their life panned out. I saw a photo of someone and noticed a resemblance to an ex and so I looked that ex up. I didn't look him up because I missed him or wanted to see him. I really am just nosey. And couldn't find anything, being bored I remembered his mom and nosed at her profile. I found out he died three years ago. He was 26.

Now we weren't serious, we went out for about a month. He dumped me after we did the deed! And it hurt like hell getting over him because he was the first guy I really fell for but I was young and also screwed things up. He was such a happy guy yet what he did made me realise how cruel men could be. This was ten years ago. I've since married and had kids. My life is great, I have a wonderful husband and he's a fantastic dad. And yet reading about this guys death has thrown me. Maybe because he was so young and was also set to get married which is just heartbreaking for his fiancée. I read her post and they sounded so happy and perfect for each other and it's so cruel. And it's made me cry, I've no doubt this guy gave me no second thought in all those years, I know we weren't meant for each other, but what happened always stuck with me and I feel like I'm reliving all those feelings.
I can't tell my husband because I don't want him thinking anything like I'm unhappy and looking up exes. Because that's not the case I genuinely looked him up all because of a photo that looked like him! I love my husband dearly so not sure why this has hit me so much.
Is this insane?

Not at all. You’re human. It’s shocked you.

Nope not insane - perfectly natural reaction
Try not to dwell too much (appreciate that's easier said than done).

Yanbu. :(

It's fine. My ex partner (4 year relationship) died ten years ago. We'd split up a long time before then but I was really upset. He had young kids and a partner and his patents and sister were devastated. DH also knew him and was very understanding of my reaction and of my seeing his family and sending old photos and being around for them.

I think you have to grieve twice, once for the feelings and end of them from 10 years ago, and again for the person now they are gone. They seem to have “grown up” into a reasonable partner so that’s a bit upsetting as you fell for him when you were young and maybe that cruel idiot side went away? So where does that leave the residual anger/dislike you have probably had towards him? That’s how I felt when it happened to me anyway.

Thank you everyone for being understanding. It just took me by surprise how upset it made me. And i lay there last night just replaying that time in my head which felt silly because I'd moved on from it such a long time ago.

I did tell my DH this morning that I'd learnt an ex had passed away. I told him I saw it on a random post and that I wasn't sitting there looking my ex up. I find it very very hard if not impossible to lie to my husband so I feel really guilty for not telling him the truth that I did look him up even though it was all innocent and not because I was missing the bloke. But I just keep thinking there's nothing to gain from telling him that bit, I really don't want an argument as we have a lot on our plate at the moment but I think it might eat away at me if I don't tell him.

I don’t think you ever stop silently caring for the people you loved or cared for once outloud ❤️

I know I was a bit angry/disappointed with my ex, which was fine given the circumstances (I mean, we had broken up! We were together such a short time, it was years ago etc, similar to yourself I guess) but it’s hard to stay upset with someone who died and missed out on their happiness.
It’s weird to re-assess that time now I’m older. Not that my perspective has changed that much. Ultimately you care for someone or you don’t and it turns out I cared.

It's ok to grieve; it means you are human and a good person, not that you miss your ex. I think it's good to be honest with your husband; surely he'll understand that a death of someone so young is tragic, and you'd be hurt even if he had been an acquaintance. Think how you would feel if the situation was the opposite, and it was your husband's ex from long ago.

I was in a very similar situation. When I heard of his death (this was a few years ago, and a few years after we had a very brief but intense thing), I was very sad for a few days. Now I think of this boy very occasionally. His brother posts a thing on FB every year on the anniversary of his death. It was all very tragic. The fact that we had a thing for a few weeks very long time ago is so irrelevant compared to the fact that it's tragic that someone only got to live for 26 years.

Of course YANBU. It must have been a huge shock for you. You’re human, we feel sadness when people pass away, even if we have only tenuous links but this is a person you cared for and who, through good or bad, probably shaped who you are a little bit.

YANBU. Totally valid reaction xx

this is a person you cared for and who, through good or bad, probably shaped who you are a little bit
This definitely, I know we only dated for a month but it took me a good few months and a rebound relationship to get over him. And then he came back hooked up with me and disappeared again! And that's what it took to get him out of my system and move on. If anything I always feel embarrassed about how naive I was at that time. At that point no one had ever broke my heart. And it changed how quickly I trusted guys. It does break my heart that he got to find someone who really made him happy and they didn't get to spend a long life together. I feel so much sorrow for her I can't imagine how much pain it must cause her and at such a young age. And how awful it is for his parents

I should probably add after serving this country for years in the armed forces his death was sudden, he was in a traffic accident at home

It's always sad when someone young dies and so suddenly and you cared about him at one point .

Not unreasonable at all, natural human reaction.

I did exactly the same as you (went down a FB rabbit hole and ended up looking up an ex) and found out he had died only a few weeks previously. Now, I wouldn't have contacted him if he had been alive (he also dumped me after we did the deed!!!) but I had a cry and was sad for him.

You aren't BU at all. It is a shock when somebody you knew and once cared for dies - especially so young. Nobody expects one of their peers to die at such a young age.

My ex died in a motorcycle accident aged 30, about 6 years after we broke up. I was married and a mum by then, but I was terribly sad and cried when I found out about his death. Even though he hadn't always treated me well he was actually a good person and his family had already lost the mum some years before so I really felt for them. I wasn't able to attend his funeral as I was abroad at the time and had a young baby, but I still feel awful about that 9 years on, and I still think about him and feel so sad he is gone. I dream about him sometimes.

Just because you are no longer a part of somebody's life doesn't mean you stop caring.