To ask for help with a difficult person

[Justfuckoffwhydontyou]

I've posted previously under different names about my ex, the abusive relationship and his continued manipulation and control via dc and contact.

With Christmas on the way I am trying to agree with him where dc will be over the holidays but he won't agree to a plan.

We have a court order but have to agree on actual dates. The plan I came up with matched what the court order outlines.

He's refusing to return dc on the day I want him to, even though there isn't a good reason. The reason is just that he wants to control the situation and get his own way.

I can't refuse to let dc go to him in the first place. I would breach the order and he'll have me back in court next year if I do that, and dc should be spending time with him and his family over Christmas. But I really need dc back with me by a certain day so we can attend a special event and because the holiday split means they should be back anyway.

Any ideas on what I could do?

I feel so sorry for dc being caught up in all this.

Can you be more specific about the split og holidays? So we can see if it's reasonable? What exactly does court order say about it

The court order isn't detailed. It only states Christmas Day should alternate and then the rest of the holidays should be shared.

My ex has a history of being unreasonable. This is not just my view but also the court's. This is not about whether my plan is reasonable. I assure you it is because there was no point starting from one which wasn't reasonable.

My plan is a reversal of what we did last year, if that helps to show it's fair.

If he refuses to be fair, isn't he breaking the court ruling?

Can you try to play him at his own game? Say you definitely don't want the dc back on the special event day because you are planning a day out with friends or a new bloke or something and then he can 'spoil your plans' ?

OnTheRise he's not breaking the court ruling because he offers an alternative where we still share the holidays but it's not fair by any normal person's standards.

VoleClock that won't work because he knows I would never say that. I always put dc first.

You can get an urgent court hearing for Christmas arrangements if you apply now. Tell him that you will do this if you can’t come to a reasonable arrangement.

Can I though? I thought it took about 5 weeks for a court date.

It's hard to say if yabu without knowing all the ins and outs tbh.

Is it basically a week with him then a week with you?

Is there anyone in his family you could speak to?

Why are you worried about him having you back in court? It can’t get any worse by the sounds of it. I know a fucking bully like this. I don’t know why the family legal system lets them get away with it.

No it's not a week with him then a week for me. It's more complicated than that. Not seeing dc for a whole week over Christmas wouldn't work (for me or them). What kind of a Christmas would that be?

I'm not asking whether I am being reasonable with my plan. I'm asking how to deal with someone who doesn't see reason.

I might have to speak to someone in his family but in the past they have sided with him because they don't know what's really going on.

I'm not scared about going back to court but if we do I don't want to have been in breach of the order. The system does let them get away with bullying.

I don't think there is anything anyone here can say that's likely to make him change his mind.
So you either alter the plans to make sure you have them when you want them, or you let it go and accept that they'll miss the event.

Without knowing the plan it's impossible to know whether you (or he) are being reasonable.
He clearly feels his alternative is reasonable. You don't.
You want your plan. He doesn't.

How old are the children? Do they particularly want to go to the event? If so have you presented it to him as a "they wood be really disappointed not to be there"?

What are the specific plans? Without being able to see Your Plan and His Plan side by side it's hard to say if he's being unreasonable to want to change it or not.

Is it a case that you want alternating weeks and he wants alternating days? Or that he wants his time split randomly through the holiday with no real rhyme or reason to the schedule other than it being annoying? So for example if the holiday was 2 weeks (for the ease of explanation) and he's entitled to 7 days, instead of having them for a week straight, he wants days 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 14 which equals 7 days but are really awkward. Or is it that he wants it to be such a way that the days the changeovers happen mean that he has them for most of the day and so encroaches on your time (but in a technically acceptable way)

Or is it just that he's doing a different structure but because it isn't what you want and because of your shared history you see it as him trying to control things when actually he just wants a different thing from last year?