to ask how to be normal?

[Insignificant0ther]

I'm 31 years old. I have strained but pleasant enough relationships with my family but we see each other once a month, despite living 15 mins apart. I have lived independently for 14 years now and quite frankly, don't cope with it.

I want to be 'normal' and 'better' but I don't even know what that is or what it looks like.

This might be a bit long and please try not to judge me - I want to be as honest as possible so I can get some help and advice, as everyone else seems to have their shit together far better than I do. I clearly have some mental health difficulties around self-esteem and self-care, and I want to start to tackle them, but am not sure how.

1. I am self employed so answerable to nobody but my contractors and clients. I choose my own work hours, which are frequently long and anti-social, but I do not have 'colleagues' or an office or regular relationships with everyday human beings. This is important, I think.

1. I can spend days in bed. Not moving, not cleaning myself, working from here. It's slovenly and revolting, I'm here right now with an empty cake wrapper next to my elbow, in a stained tshirt, with greasy hair and looking like I've been vomited from the bowels of hell.

1. I make no effort with my appearance*. I barely wash my face, although I do try to shower every other day and wash my hands after I use the bathroom.

4...*except when seeing my OH. I will make an effort to look nice and sexy and put-together, with makeup and clean hair. We spend 3 nights a week together at the moment, it's a reasonably new relationship and very enjoyable.

1. I cook elaborate, beautiful meals for my OH but when they aren't around I barely eat anything. I have joked before that 'I don't love myself like I love you', but I guess I'm not joking.

1. I blitz my house every now and then but it is frequently embarrassingly untidy. I used to invite friends for coffee as an incentive to keep it nice (or my mother, who is very clean!) but people are busy and I don't like to be a bother to them. I have lots of friends, but I live a bit out of the way from them all, and am feeling increasingly isolated.

1. I love order and organisation. I'm just fucking atrocious at maintaining it. I've tried everything - the KonMarie method, a ton of bookshelves and IKEA Kallax boxes, decamping 50 bags of shit to charity shops. I'm getting there but the clutter creeps up on me and I get very stressed by it.

1. I'm not a total minger - I change my bedding twice a week, bleach my loo every day, clean the shower after every use, never go to bed with washing up in the sink. It's everything else that gets overlooked!

1. I just want some kind of functional order and routine, like how I imagine normal people do it. Get up. Have breakfast. Shower. Brush teeth. 9 hours work. Dinner. Brush teeth. Bed. Some kind of exercise. Some kind of cleaning schedule. It sounds so simple but I am so dysfunctional that it really isn't...

10. I am a relapsing alcoholic. I can go months without a drink but when the urge strikes I take a whole bottle of vodka to bed and ruin myself all over again.

I know this is a lot to ask, MN. But I can't talk to anyone IRL about it. My 2 closest friends take me as I am and breezily don't care if the house is a mess. My OH never sees me like this (is aware I am depressive, but always sees me made-up and clean and the house reasonable.) I don't know how people maintain structure and order in their lives, or where to start. Are we all secretly falling apart or am I actually more ill than I care to admit?

I am not a MH expert so I can't comment on that.

I do know a thing or two about getting better performance out of myself.

You are in all or nothing thinking. It isn't like that. Life improvement is mainly done through small changes that stick through habit and commitment. For example, the sheet changing. You already know a whole bunch of the changes you want to make, you know what your better life will look like, so you've won 75% of the battle already.

There is a super book called Habit Stacking that might work for you.

A life coach would probably be a good move too. Ideally someone you see in person at least once a week.

I agree that life coaching would be helpful - if you can find someone who is both a trained life coach and a counsellor, even better. It helped me no end!

I know what you mean about regular interactions with people - I used to be freelance, and it can be a lonely life. Other people at work with others constanty, and who naturally need a break from them at the end of the day, don't actually understand how isolated you are. I think it might be useful to book in clubs/activities at different slots during the week, to force you up and out.

Watching what others suggest with interest!

Hire a cleaner, do Couch to 5k, sign up to a rynning club (you’ll meet people) and start with having a shower once a day.

It's hard, I really feel you. Definitely see someone. When my anxiety is bad, well, I realised the other week I hadn't showered in a week and it was time to go back to counselling. Had my first session today. I'm not 'better', but surprisingly, for me anyway, I did feel a bit better. Go see someone. A doctor, a life coach, a counsellor, a psychologist. They help. Especially when you have friends that don't support you - not nec their fault, but sometimes we need more. It's all very well people offering advice, but joining a running club can be the furtherest thing from your mind/abilities when you are depressed - and I'd say you have a dose of that.
If this relationship is interesting to you, you don't want to fuck it up when it gets closer by sabotaging yourself. The binge drinking is a thing too. I do that, sometimes, can't tell if I just want to have a really good time or just wipe myself out. GO see some. Seek help. It's what we need. PM me if you want to chat.
Also, there is no normal. xx