Long standing friend doesn't want to be around children - Sorry, long

[Tillyboo]

I have a friend of 18+ years who went through a bitter divorce about 8 years ago after going through IVF and finding out her husband was having an affair at the same time.
She had always wanted to get married, have a family etc. but it all went wrong and now has a string of failed relationships behind her.
At the moment she is having an affair with a married man which has been going on for nearly 3 years and there is no end in sight as regards him leaving his wife (his child is about 15 I think).
She tells me she loves him and he her - I don't doubt he cares alot for her, even loves her, but the fact he hasn't given up his married life yet leads me to believe he never will. He say's his wife is a friend and he loves her but isn't in love with her and that they have nothing in common other than a lovely home, big house and comfortable lifestyle.
I want her to realise that life is passing her by (she's 37) and that before she knows it she'll be in her 40's and well past the point of meeting someone and having a child.
Because she is so bitter about marriage and relationships (she thinks all men will have an affair at some point) and also the fact that she has no children, she has told me she cannot bear to be around children because it's something she desperately wants but doesn't think she'll ever have it.
I have a 3yo dd whom my friend has seen probably only 3 times. She sends a small Xmas and birthday present (she doesn't earn much money) which is lovely but my dd hasn't a clue who she is and is likely not to ever know her. My friend always makes an excuse if I suggest going over to visit and has basically told me that she doesn't want to see my dd.
I feel very hurt by this and have told her so in an email. It's such a shame as I've known her for so long and I wanted her to be part of my dd's life. But I guess it's not to be.
When I got married she turned down the invitation as she couldn't bear the thought of going to a wedding after her divorce, even though it was quite a few years after. I accepted this but she did turn up at the back of the church but didn't come to the the reception meal.
I have always supported her, through her divorce and subsequent relationship problems - even the current one. I've listened, listened and listened, offered advice and tried to be not too judgemental but I have told her I think she is wasting her time on this current relationship. There is always a reason why it's not the right time to leave.
To be honest I am a bit fed up with only ever talking about 'the relationship' when we speak on the phone. I am never asked how my dd is.
Am I expecting too much, am I the one being selfish ?
How would you deal with this, I dread the phonecalls as it's only ever the same old conversation.
How would you deal with this situation ?

I don't think you and your friend are really compatible as friends any more. Can you just cool off on the friendship? Don't call her, be busy when she calls. Don't snub her, just drift away, iyswim. This friendship doesn't sound like it's really doing either of you any good, really.

I really don't know. My 2 bfs are unlikely to have children, one has decided not to go down the IVF sperm donar type route (same sex relationship) the other has chronic health problems and is currently single (time running out in a waY) but they both love children so I really can't help. They treat my children like dn/god children and they are both very special people to my dds.

Hope someone else comes along who can help

Oh Tillyboo, poor you Friendships are meant to be easy but are often so very complicated aren't they? I too have ongoing issues with a friend and have no idea how to resolve/what step to take next so I know I won't be of any real help to you here, but I just wanted to say that I admire you for wanting to keep hold of the friendship despite of the problems. However, there probably does come a time when you have to let go before it deteriorates more.......although I say this with no proof of this working cos I can't/won't do it myself!!! Personally, I reckon I'll keep on with my "issues" for years to come, always thinking "maybe it will change soon"....maybe we can have this same talk in 5 years when we're both still in the same boat.....

She sounds like she is wallowing in self pity. I think she wants to be unhappy.

Tillyboo.

If it weren't for the timings I'd think you were talking about a friend of mine. Her OH cheated on her with one of his drama students and got her pregnant, couldn't bear to tell his wife (they had undergone 3 lots of unsuccessful IVF), left her for the student but wouldn't say why to her - felt it would 'hurt her too much' if she knew, and refused to talk to her, only to her brother - to this day I don't know if she knows or not, the only reason I know is because a mutual friend found out because he knows the student involved (v. small claustrophobic world of North London amdram!)

She is similarly bitter about children, and although she said she was happy for me when I got pg (we used to compare IVF stories and were quite close), she has barely been in contact since and I know it's painful for her.

Perhaps you do need to put some distance between you... at the moment it's just making you resentful, which is no good for your friendship. Is she the sort of person you can say 'no, we're not going to talk about this anymore, let's move on' to?

I think if she's gone so far as to tell you that she can't bear to be around children then if your friendship does have a future you'll need to take that on board and really give up on expecting her to ask about your dd or see her. Don't underestimate how hard she may find being around kids. I'm not saying she's justified in only going on about her relationship and in not asking about your life - it sounds as though maybe things are a bit one-sided - but I'm not sure you should necessarily be expecting her to show an active interest in your dd if she finds that really painful. Are there other ways in which you could spend time? How would you deal with it if she'd e.g. lost a child in pregnancy - would you feel it was worth accommodating her feelings about not seeing your dd then? If so maybe bear in mind that she could be feeling almost as strong a sense of loss even if she hasn't ever been pregnant.

I'm sure you're right that her partner won't leave his wife but how do you know she's not happy with things the way they are? Maybe she feels that that's the best she's going to get and she wants to hang on to it? Would she consider doing solo parenting with a child conceived with donor sperm? Could you offer to be there to support her if she decided to do that as a way of having a child without having to leave a man she believes loves her? Just a thought...

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic - it is dull to be in a very one-sided friendship with one person's relationship problems dominating everything - just wondering if you'd both be happier if you either let the friendship go or just let some topics go and accepted there are some things you won't be talking about/doing...

i would dump her.

i would just email saying something like please don't contact me any more as your attitude towards my daughter is too hurtful for me to bear. i cannot be friends with someone who begrudges me any happiness in life.

Friendships are supposed to be equal and while you could perhaps forgive her short term for not wanting to be around children, in the long term, a nice friend would understand that they can't stop others from being happy. If she's not chatting about your life when she calls and asking how you are, she obviously doesn't care enough about you and just wants someone to tell about her own problems.
As was previously said below, I'd give up on her slowly, reducing the calls you make etc.

Mmm, thanks all. Quite a mixed bag of responses.
Everyone who knows the situation between us i.e. my family and other close friends think I'm nuts not having exploded over the wedding thing but I'm a Libran and I do try to see things from all angles so I've always given people the benefit of the doubt.
My friend does wallow in self pity a bit but she does have good reason to really - altho alot of it is very much self inflicted.
I have taken a step back over the past year and rarely call. We speak probably once a month now as I just haven't got a lot to say as my life mostly revolves around my dd and her's her relationship.
It's a shame. I don't want to cut ties completely - she hasn't really got many friends, certainly not close ones anyway.
I think I have been a good friend and very patient with her. She told me that she didn't believe in old mothers (I was 40 when I had my dd) and didn't think it was right - subtle eh ?
There are not many people who would have remained friends after a comment like that.
But having said that, I have to appreciate her feelings about children, I'd just wish she'd maybe ask about my dd just sometimes.
I'm not expecting her to act like an Auntie or want to see my dd - just acknowledge her in our conversations maybe
I'd love her to be settled, happy and have children but I know I'd feel resentful that if she got all those things she'd probably take more of an interest in my dd.

Thanks all for your comments