To insist on visiting DM after her operation?

[StuntNun]

My mum is having carpal tunnel release surgery on her wrist just after Christmas. It's a minor operation but she won't be able to use one hand for a couple of weeks and she won't be able to drive. I said I would go up for a few days to drive her to and from hospital and help out with the shopping, cooking etc. As it's straight after Christmas my DH will be able to look after our kids without having to take time off work so it seems like no big deal. However my mum has said that she doesn't want me to "take the risk of driving at that time of year because the roads will be icy and dangerous." It's a 160-mile journey almost entirely on the motorways so I don't see that it's particularly risky.

AIBU to just go anyway?

If the roads aren’t bad and the weather isn’t chaotic I’d still go.

So you’re just going to rock up anyway in spite of her trying to politely tell you not to? I think YABU in that case. Does she have support from anyone who lives a bit closer?

Does she mean it or does she just not want to be a bother?

If I said I didn't want to be visited I'd mean it. My own parents though wouldn't!

How old is your Mum? I am 57 and wouldn;t need someone to help me out after that op (I'd get my hsopping in beofrehand/do an online shop, I'd pre freeze some meals or get ready meals to save cooking, and I'd get a hospitla car or taxi to take me home). I wouldn't want a fuss - maybe your Mum is the same /

On the other hand she may actually be glad of help but doesn't want to put you out over Christmas (maybe feels she'd be taking away from your holiday and your DH's tine off work/ children's holidays etc)

I would try to suss out which it is. I think the drive will be absolutely fine - may not even be icy, and it's motorways. Don't insist though, find out what she really wants.

How old is she?

Totally depends upon whether your Mum is the type of person to be blunt if she doesn't want you there.

That's the sort of thing i'd say if someone offered and I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

I'd rather take a taxi and have some space from family obligations after an operation. If they then turned up anyway, i'd find that quite frustrating.

Do you live in uk or somewhere with more inclement weather? It seems a really odd reason to tell you not to visit.

Is she the type who says "no don't bother" but gets upset when people take her at her word?

If not, maybe she really just doesn't want you to stay. Is there anyone closer who will be able to help without having to stay? (Family or friends).

Depends.
I would hate having someone to stay in my house whilst I was recovering.
Is she normally worried about you travelling?
Has she already put in place the help she needs?
You can't go if she doesn't want you there. Insist? She's an adult. Not a child.

AIBU to just go anyway?

I think you are. You've been asked/told not to.

I had this op with a newborn. I did have my DM to help me with lifting him in and out of his cot, bringing him to me to feed etc, but after 2 days I felt a bit like a fraud as I felt perfectly capable of doing the lifting etc, but the surgeon said I really shouldnt be doing it for one week post op to aid recovery. So your mum may feel capable but it is probably in her best interests to have your support. Can you approach from that angle?

Sounds like when it very lightly snowed 10 days before Christmas one year and MIL immediately cancelled her visit to us, because she was going to be snowed in. The snow was gone in 12 hours, she just didn't want to come I think your mum is quite happy without a visit.

My mum's like this every Christmas / New Year. Even if there's only a hint that there might be bad weather she would rather we stayed at home. She says she would worry so much while we were travelling it's not worth it and she couldn't live with herself if anything happened to us. I don't think you unreasonable at all for wanting to help but I do think you should consider your mum's feelings.

Depends on your Mum but this will tire her as she will have a local and she will be hands free

My gut is she
Doesn't want to be a 'bother'

Try and prove if she genuinely doesn't want you or if she is being too modest if that makes sense

Possibly she has already arranged some help?

MrsExpo she hasn't politely told me not to go. She has said that she doesn't want me to put myself at risk of driving on the dangerous roads at Christmas. If it was icy then I probably wouldn't go just to be on the safe side but if the weather is fine then I really don't think it's particularly dangerous to drive up the M6 to Manchester.

She is a typically blunt person so if she genuinely didn't want me there she would just say so. I think it's more of a case of she doesn't want to be a bother to me like Elphame says. She has dropped everything on more than one occasion to come and visit me when I needed support so I don't understand why she thinks I wouldn't do the same for her. We are very close and we both travel to see each other every couple of months.

Kurri she will be 70 next month. She's still active and able to look after herself but I think it will be more difficult than she assumes to manage with only one hand.

Under any other circumstance she would welcome me coming to visit so I think it's the driving thing that has got her worried. I was in a car accident earlier in the year and it really upset her, even though I wasn't injured at all.

I would say,” let’s wait and see how the roads are”. That way you can make a decision nearer the time and she won’t be fretting meanwhile. If that is genuinely her reason she will stop you. I think that she is underestimating how she will cope, so you are right to want to be with her