Aibu to think this is schadenfreude rather than concern?

[Graceadlerdesigns]

I have a ds (3) and expecting a baby in January. It has been a challenging few months - my dh hasnt been well (severe anaemia resulting in a blood transfusion, lots of tests which still havent found the root cause. There are most tests to come and my family know this).

At my parent's house yesterday my sisters dc were playing and my ds was being a bit possessive over a jigsaw. The baby kept picking up pieces and my ds would whinge about it. Normal kid stuff imo. I obviousy tried to placate both and explained to ds that baby just wanted to play too.

Then my family all went on, and on, and on about how ds will have to learn to share, how he must give his toys to others etc and then they went on and on about how tiring/draining/ awful it is having two young kids and how me and dh will be 'on our knees'

I did say, numerous times, that i am sure it will be completely exhausting but we are happy/excited about the baby but the negativity kept on coming.

Mg dh has had about 10 gp appts since september and 7 trips to hospital for various procedures and tests. We are concerned about him and hoping very much he will feel better soon but his symptoms are intermittent and is currently going through a bad patch.

I dont know how they can't see that i am stressed out enough as it is! Why on earth do i want to hear that it will be the worst time of my life?! There is no offer of help or tips on how to manage several kids af once. Just negative, draining comments.

Btw- so i dont drip feed, i havent voiced any concern one way or the other about having two children in the run up to this. Obviously ds will have to learn to share and clearly i will be knackered but i havent been whinging about it, nor have i been saying it will be easy. Just generic 'oh i am sure we will manage somehow' comments.

I guess the thing is that in a "nornal" family there would be no schadenfreude - so there must be a reason why you think this js a possibility?

You are spot on.

Having 2 is great - you put the jigsaw on the table out of the baby's reach.

Your sister and bil have created a perfect storm for themselves if they tell their older child has to share older children's toys like jigsaws and Lego with the baby! Older one will resent baby, be jealous, maybe try to push baby, maybe play up in other ways, baby might choke on small parts... Sibling rivalry and extra hawk like supervision ago-go totally unnecessarily.

Loads of parents of older/ more children boost their own egos by being doom and gloom with those not as far along the same path. Your family are trying to make themselves feel good (I don't know how we manage! We're run ragged! You've got no idea what's coming!) at your expense.

I speak as the parent of 3 closer in age than yours - your family are finding it hard because they're doing it wrong.

As you say Schadenfreude not concern, spot on.

I hope you get to the bottom of your DH's health problems soon and they are treatable. Poor you (both) having to deal with serious health issues and a family determined to scare you to make themselves feel good.

Have a read of "It's Okay not to share and other Renegade Rules for competent and compassionate kids" if you have time.

Brain dead dedication to forcing children to share absolutely everything no matter how inappropriate is not the way to raise children who voluntarily share or empathise or care about others - nor to raise siblings who play nicely together of their own free will!

Thank you for your comments- i feel vindicated!

munky you are quite right, it shouldnt be that a family takes delight in others potential misfortune. I think my dsis and i are very different people and i think we mainly keep in touch due to dm.

I was worried about my eldest Dd when pregnant with no2 as she was (and still is!) a strong character who everyone warned me would have trouble sharing. However from the moment her little sister arrived she accepted her completely and took it as her mission to show her how to do everything. So sharing was never really an issue. Plus the baby isn't even capable of trying to take toys etc for many months giving time for your ds to accept the new situation! Congrats by the way!