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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday present is waiting for the new girlfriend

23 replies

DarkLightMamma · 26/11/2017 21:07

My LO's first birthday was on the 11th of November and her dad asked me what he should get her. I said that it would be nice for her to have a trike that grows with her as she loves the one at nursery. On the 10th November (the evening he has her - after a lot of effort trying to get him to take her) he brought her back and said his new girlfriend wasn't feeling well and she wanted to take part in our LG's first birthday so he was waiting to give her his present until his other half was better. I thought nothing of it, although was a bit saddened that our daughter didn't get anything from him on her birthday (not even a card), but his mother gave her a card and a couple of toys so that was that. We are now 2 or 3 weeks since her birthday and she still hasn't had her present or a card from him, I asked about his girlfriend the week after and was told she's feeling much better. I only mentioned he could get the trike because it would be nice for her to have something her dad gave her that we could use regularly when we go round town as she would much rather not be in her pushchair, but now if he doesn't give it to her on Friday I'm tempted to say; forget it. Get your money back on it and I'll go out and buy her the trike. Am I being unreasonable? I know when she's 1 and 2 she won't care but I don't like that her birthday is put on hold because his girlfriend isn't there.

OP posts:

GammaDelta · 26/11/2017 21:15

YANBU.. . Belated happy birthday to your dd. He is being nasty n just ignoring his responsibility

ADishBestEatenCold · 26/11/2017 21:20

The 11th November was two weeks and 1 day ago, not three weeks ago.

You are right to say that at one year old your daughter does not care that the gift is late.

I think you would be unreasonable to say "Forget it. Get your money back on it and I'll go out and buy her the trike."

Pick your battles, while hoping there is no great cause to have any.

HildaWazzo · 26/11/2017 21:23

I would wonder whether he had actually got her the trike or not. Either way it's crap.

I'd ask him if he has got it, then if he hasn't you can get her one yourself.

deste · 26/11/2017 21:28

Perhaps he is holding on and she will get it for Christmas, saving himself money. For what it’s worth, it’s wicked either that he hasn’t bought it.

AnnabellaH · 26/11/2017 21:30

He didnt buy it yet.

kootoo123 · 26/11/2017 21:31

My first thought is that he hasn't got it. Is he short of money and waiting for payday? Not that he shouldnt have saved for it before.

gillybeanz · 26/11/2017 21:32

Could he have bought it and be leaving it round his house for her to play with?

Original poster

DarkLightMamma · 26/11/2017 21:35

2 weeks and a day is what it is today, when he next sees her (depending on if he turns up - he didn't last Friday), will make it three weeks...or 2 weeks and 6 days which is nearly 3 weeks.

I think I am just extremely irritated because he isn't regular at seeing her, after telling him that he would only be able to see her every other Saturday morning at a contact centre if he didn't arrange something else he finally agreed to take her to his mums on a Friday evening after work. This sounds a lot harsher than it is by the way! There's a lot of background here where he has seen her less hours than weeks she's been born.

I said did he want to split it, send me half of the money and I would buy it for her, wrap it up and he could give it to her but he said no. She loves the trike at nursery and when I go round town thought she would like to be on it as she hates her pushchair and even though she's sturdy on her feet, she isn't used to the uneven surface and falls often (I know she's only just turned 1...she loves walking!), so this was a compromise for her to enjoy.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarkLightMamma · 26/11/2017 21:38

And it's not at his or his mums house, he said "My house isn't suitable for a baby", and grandma hasn't seen it yet either. He's self employed so gets paid regularly when he's finished on a job, it's possible he's saving it for Christmas to save money.

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 26/11/2017 21:54

In the nicest possible way, it's not up to you what he buys her or when he gives it to her. He asked for a suggestion that is all. Don't force him to have her, you cant make him be the dad you want him to be if he doesn't want to, forcing the issue won't help. I think you are going to find it difficult going forward if you are so involved in what he does or does not do. The trike is a nice idea BUT is better for easter when the weather is warming up anyway. She'll be much better wrapped up warm in a pram at this time year and I'm surprised you would have the trike at yours at all. Shes 1 shes not going to care one bit if she got a present for hr birthday or in a months time.

Dd has always had token gifts from her dad here, a couple of stuffed toys and has lots of photos in her room. But anything big stays at his house and vice versa mostly because there is likely to be some level of fallout if an expensive thing gets broken in the other parents care.

Original poster

DarkLightMamma · 26/11/2017 22:05

I'm not involved in what he does or does not do. Except for when he brings her back from nursery I don't see, speak or hear from him and I don't contact him either. He wants contact, well the only contact he had was for 2 hours a week (occasionally) at my house which I told him wasn't letting them build a relationship with me around, so the only way I could see was to remove me.

And of course it would be at my house, he doesn't see/have her/have space for any of her things. He asked for a suggestion, I said what I was going to get her but if he wanted to get it for her then it would be nice for him to get it for her. And as I say, she hates her pushchair, she's much happier being out of it. And to date, her dad has got her a money box and a changing mat. Token stuff would be nice.

I'm not having a dig but you don't have any idea the amount of stress and pressure I've had with her dad. He decided I'd said he couldn't see her at 8 weeks old and then stopped contact for 10 weeks, then he got back in contact and demanded I let him see her, then got arsey when I told him I'd never stopped him from seeing her, has told all his friends and family that I was stopping contact whereas the opposite was happening. He's told me he wants to have her over one night a week when she's 5, which I'm happy for him to do so, then tells me that his house isn't suitable for kids so he can't have her over.

OP posts:

DeepPileTinsel · 26/11/2017 22:11

But she's not 5 for another 4 years. Honestly, for your own sanity, just live your life and if he wants contact deal with it as it happens. If he's not making steps to make sure he has somewhere to take her, that really isn't your problem to sort.

DillyDilly · 26/11/2017 22:12

Those trikes are a pain to bush around. Stick with the buggy.

Singleandproud · 26/11/2017 22:24

I have been there, I left ex when I was 8 weeks pregnant as he didnt want her. DDs dad didn't see her for a year after she was born and then made similar demands. We spent 2 years going through the courts, the courts decided what I had suggested was acceptable anyway and then he got a new job and doesn't see her as much. We used a contact center to build up their relationship and then moved it to a soft play area

There are many, many women on this forum who have been there and what we have all learnt is to take a huge step back, you have to for your own sanity. I know its hard when they dont treat the children the way we do and how we want them to but their lives dont evolve around them like ours do. Their relationship will develop into what it will be and they will work out themselves if their dad cares or is a disney dad. Most dads or so it seems tend to come into their own once the baby bit is over.

As for the trike, buy one for her for xmas and don't rely on him for anything that way he won't disappoint you or her.

SprogletsMum · 26/11/2017 22:27

My first thought was whet dillydally said. Honestly don't stress those trikes are awful.

InLoveWithLizML · 26/11/2017 22:44

It could be that he can't afford anything and is too embarrassed to say anything. It hurts as you want it to be a special time, try not to be PA, tell him that he can keep that trike at his and you've got your own for at yours.

Would he have got her a card and put it up at his house? Similar with cards from friends / family? How do you feel about that?

Birthdays and Christmas are hard when you're separated, does she see he place as her 2nd home or Daddies home?

Possibly ask him if you're concerned and want to appear supportive, did he really get the trike or was it an excuse? You can ask it so it's not PA, like is everything ok? You need to know these things if your daughter is visiting him.

Pumperthepumper · 26/11/2017 22:52

Can you afford to get the trike yourself? Really surprised that PPs thought they were rubbish, DD loved hers, was a total lifesaver!

Gemini69 · 26/11/2017 22:59

what a shame for your Daughter....

HoHoHoHo · 26/11/2017 23:01

I bet he hasn't got it and this is an excuse.

KickingCuh · 26/11/2017 23:07

He may have bought the trike and be letting her ride it at his house, or at least he's planning to keep it at his when he gets it.
I wouldn't insist that my exH's presents to our children be kept at mine? Why would I, I didn't buy them?

Original poster

DarkLightMamma · 26/11/2017 23:09

To be honest, I was going to get it for her birthday anyway, it's only really because I couldn't think of what else he could get her that I suggested it to him in the first place. And whether the pushchair is easier or not, my daughter doesn't like being in it, whereas she is happy sat in the trike that nursery has. Pumperthepumper I am thinking of just getting it anyway!

InLoveWithLizML I understand what you're saying but he can definitely afford it. He hasn't got her a card, I asked if she'd had any cards from his side as I wanted to collect them and put them in a memory box for her, unless he wanted to keep them and start a box himself and he said she'd only got one from his mum and he didn't see the point in doing something like that but would bring it over for me.

She's never been to his house, he's already said he can't see her the Friday before Christmas but he might be able to come see her on the 27th. He's also already said he won't be able to have her or probably see her over the Christmas days so he it's ok she spends every Christmas' with me.

OP posts:

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 26/11/2017 23:32

He is a prick.

TinselAngel · 27/11/2017 08:12

In future if it's something you definitely want her to have, you'd be better off getting it yourself. Chalk this one up to experience.

And yes, those trikes are a nightmare to manoeuvre.

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