That daughter was told to not say anything about class bully?

[chainedtothedesk]

Dd (9) has not been herself for a few weeks. She has told me of two incidents at school when two friends called her names but she seemed to be ok and these events seemed pretty harmless and she was able to brush it off. However she has just come out with it and (while very upset) told me about an incident that happened 2 weeks ago when another child pulled down her trousers in the cloakroom. Another girl was there laughing and she thought it was funny to tell someone else (a boy). Thankfully this boy told the head...
The head called my dd to his office and apparently told her not to tell people about what had happened because he wants the girl (who did it) to have/get more friends!!!
I am livid! I am utterly gobsmacked that the advice from school has been not to tell anyone! I feel so guilty that my dd has carried this around with her for 2 weeks and felt she couldn't tell me. I intend to email or phone head first thing tomorrow. Wwyd?
This is 2nd incident that my dd has had with this girl after first time she was spat on!

I’d speak to school to get a first hand account before flying of the handle. It seems unlikely that this happened exactly as relayed.

I would point out that it’s a common abuse tactic to ask children to keep secrets, especially from parents.

I’d be fuming.

That’s absolutely outrageous on many counts not least it is teaching a young child to hide information, to put up with bullying, to be told her needs are lesser than a bully’s needs. What relationship does this bully have with the Sxhool? Is the parent on the governors/teacher/donates money or time? I’d be sending a well thought out letter to the Head and copying in the board of governors too demanding an explanation

As Crumbs1 says, get your facts straight before you fly off the handle. Ask the head teacher what happened and what was said. Say you're trying to understand what exactly went on.

Yep. Find out more before you respond. And when you do find out more, hang fire and respond in writing. Don't shoot from the hip, whatever you do.

Please check what happened and what the HT actually said. I find this version extremely hard to believe.

However if it is true then you will need to take it further.

OP this is a safeguarding issue so if it happened you need to let them know that you are taking it very seriously. I would call an urgent meeting with HT to establish facts first though.

However the HT phrased it if this is the message your DD got then it has to be sorted. Speak to the HT and listen to what she says.

Have I got this right. The HT told her to keep the abuse she is receiving secret and bullying is abuse.
Is he/she scrared of this girls mother/father or something.
This is a serious safeguarding failure.
I'd be taking her out of the school reporting it to the Ofsted and the Education board and the press.
He/she is not fit to be in charge of children.

Absolutely get the right account, then proceed with that information.

The HT is not taking this seriously at all

Isn't ask the head why was your daughter assulted in school but he didn't ring you to let you know?

If I was you I would fly of the handle you need action. Me and my partner has always stood up for our kids. We are the ones left picking up the pieces if it isn't dealt with.

Oh wow!!
If your daughter doesn't lie generally or has no SN I'd assume she's right and I d go straight in tomorrow
Good luck! And let's hope your DD misunderstood something that was said

The girl who did it has 'issues'. I am baffled why HT hasn't contacted me to give their version of events. Obviously I need to get my facts right but disappointed that dd has not been considered in this situation.

I think he must have meant for her not to tell her friends rather than not to tell anyone... but even this seems odd. Why shouldn't she tell whoever she likes!

The HT is not taking this seriously at all
There are 2 separate issues I think - what happened, and how serious it was, and the telling a child to keep it secret. In my view, asking a child to keep something like this from others is very, very wrong from someone in authority, and teaches the opposite of what they should be teaching - that if anything happens that makes you uncomfortable you should tell a teacher and your parents, and they will help.
Even if your DD misunderstood, the school should have told you about it themselves, and they need to be clear enough that children NEVER, even accidentally, get the message that they need to keep something that happened secret :-(.

I agree with others that you should clarify what exactly was said by the HT. If it is as your daughter described I would go above the HT to complain because that is an incredibly dangerous and worrying message for someone in a position of authority to be giving to children.

Thanks for the replies. Feeling a little calmer now but so sad she's bottled it up. Think I will email school tomorrow and ask to meet head to hear his version.

I'd lose my shit 👍

My sister was being bullied by a girl a few years older when she started secondary school. She told us all, my parents contacted the school to discuss what they were going to do about it after the bully's guardian came round to have a go because the girl had had a telling off in school. So the next day the head teacher took my sister out of her lesson to tell her that she shouldn't have told our parents and should have let the school deal with it. Not impressed at all.

Poor kid... at least she told you in the end. Very unimpressed with the HT, and his/her secrecy methods. Arsehole!

The school has had 2 weeks to investigate.

2 weeks to tell you another child had pulled down your DD’s trousers - as a form of bullying.

Regardless of whether (or not) the HT told DD not to say anything - they should have told you.

I think pulling down trousers is very serious. This is not off the cuff name calling / lashing out - removing clothing is going to cause maximum distress and embarrassment, especially in front of another child and the bully told another child (a boy) for maximum effect.

I would ask the HT to explain their actions (not informing you) in regards to how this fits with their anti bullying policy. How have they dealt with the other child (bully)? How have the school safeguarded your DD?

Take notes of the meeting. Email afterwards to clarify what the HT has told has / will happen.

Any update OP?