To wish I had my kids later

[Purplesky2]

I had my first dc at 28 - they are 10 and I have an 8 and 6 year old. All I ever wanted was a family. Time has gone so quick - they aren’t little and don’t need me much anymore. I am low in mood about some problems in my marriage. My future seems empty to me. I have a career but I find it a bit boring. If I had waited to have kids I would not be in this situation. I can’t have anymore kids it is just not on the cards and I feel sad about that. I just find it upsetting that all I ever wanted was a family. I have enjoyed my children and put a lot of effort into making memories but now my future seems blah as I have achieved and done what I wanted. I suppose I can’t change what has been done and I need to learn to make the most of it.

They're still little! Especially the six year old. There's so much more time to make memories and enjoy experiences.
You sound really low, are the problems in your marriage making you feel a bit negative about everything else?
You have a lot of time to turn things around, honest!

I sort of know what you mean, OP.

I think that the baby days can define and identify you but the "making memories" nonsense is just that: it's nonsense. Memories don't end at some point during primary school.

I think you have just hit a blip. I have three kids and they do kind of take over and sometimes it isnt so fun. Maybe you need to refresh something in your life.

If you had waited your kids would be someone else

Your family are still very young! This is the part of their childhood that they will actually remember.
If there is still room in your life for more children could you look at fostering?

I feel a bit this way, but my kids are 22, 19, and 17, and I am ancient myself (and without a career ).

I think you will be surprised by how much your children need you in the next 10 years, and by how interesting, fulfilling, challenging, and exciting it will be. You will also have the privilege of getting to know all their friends.

I enjoyed the thread about how to be a good parent to teens- I will go look for it for you. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3086131-How-to-be-a-lovely-parent-to-teenager

Your children are 6 & 8 they don’t just stop making memories you know once they aren’t babies anymore

You had you first at 28 that means you had your last in your thirties that isn't that young. They are all still little and a fantastic age for doing things with, I have some wonderful times with my 10 and 7 year old they are fantastic company and old enough to hold some really brilliant conversations and have interesting views in the world.

Your kids are 10, 8 & 6? Thats a houseful of kids you have! So many more fun times and memories to come still believe me x
It sounds though as if the work and marriage issues are contributing to your low mood and poor future outlook.
Hoping you can gain strenght & find your light again

Can you retrain to do something else, what about a p/t OU Degree, you can get a student loan to pay for it, arrange weekends away, places you always wanted to go but never had time, try a new hobby. I make a note of all the things I want to do but can't do at the moment for whatever reason and save it for when I retire, I have a long list 😊

Colincreevy - yes I think they are overshadowing everything. I’m trying hard to overcome them but the sadness remains. I’ve fought this feeling since August but now think AD medication is the only answer so will try that.

I had my first at 20 and now I am 35. My career is flying (stagnanted while they were young) and i am getting more and more time to myself, as they require my presence less.

I wouldnt want to be starting having kids now. I know lots of people do and its right for them. Just not for me.

I had my first at 23, she is now a mum and l am a proud DGran. I am so glad l had my DC's quite young as they are now independent and l have my "freedom". However my DGD's take up a lot of my time, l have young DC's around me with the benefit of being able to hand them back !!!

I wouldn't change it for the world

The memories your children actually remember will be ones from about now. They're still very young, they still need you. Your life as a mum is not over just because you don't have pre-schoolers anymore

If you'd waited to have your children you'd have different children. Is that not enough to stop you thinking such a thing?

Your family is young and utterly fab ages. They want to play board games and go to the park and days out etc.

I don't think this is about your kids as.others have said. It's about your marriage and how u r feeling. If your careers boring then make some changes. Do somehing that's going to make u happy

I think it’s the potentional break up of the family that is killing me. I think if I had younger children this would also feel easier but I don’t know why? I’m in an odd place emotionally.

If you had the later. It wouldn't have been them. Different sperm different egg

I wish I'd had mine sooner. One dc at 37, now almost one, probably too late for another. Too much focus on my career, left it too late.

“If you had the later. It wouldn't have been them. Different sperm different egg”

Yes... but still the OPs children. She would have loved them just as much and would never have known the children she actually does have.

I find this argument so weird and literal. And unlikely to make the OP feel better

This would have happened eventually anyway. At least this way you are young enough to have the time to change some of the things you don't like about your life e.g. Make a career change/retrain/start you own business, leave your husband and meet someone else, find some other meaning in your life volunteering/take up a up a hobby/make new friends. Surely it's a case of better now than later?

I find this argument so weird and literal. And unlikely to make the OP feel better

It's not at all weird. If you could somehow go back in time and not have your children then but later, you wouldn't have the children you do have. You are literally wishing your children away by wishing you had them later in life. Once you put it like that it should really make you stop wishing such a thing.

(which is stupid and pointless anyway since you did have them and there is nothing you can do about it so why would you waste any more than a second wishing you could change the past ?)

“If you could somehow go back in time and not have your children then but later, you wouldn't have the children you do have. You are literally wishing your children away by wishing you had them later in life.”

You would still have children of your own. You would still love them just as much as you love your current children. You wouldn’t even know the children you currently have!

This is one of those times, I suspect, when one group will never understand the mindset of the other.

Indeed, I don't think you understood my point.

I had my dc very young, 19 and 25. But the time it s a real advantage to be younger as a parent is the teens. I have had to rescue both several times from missed bus/don't want to stay over at a friends anymore etc in the middle of the night. As I was only in my 30s for most of this it was fine. I m nearly 50 now and more tired after work so would struggle. Plus your teens need you so much! All those problems only mum can solve. All the late night chats in the kitchen. The endless lifts. School /friendship stuff. You are still needed very much by your kids even after the baby stage.
Maybe AD tablets would help short term just to pick you up from the greyness you are feeling

I still need my mum and I'm in my 30s!