To think counselling won’t work?

[Imustbemad00]

I have been in abusive relationships in the past. I have been single for 3 years but still have contact with my ex because of child. Some parts of those 3 years have been worse than when we were together, emotionally if not physically. He was violent when we was together, but I’ve never thought of myself as a victim or someone that suffered domestic abuse. I just thought I could handle it and there were people that deal with a lot worse.
He was, and still is a bully, very selfish, quite manipulative, nasty but also quite stupid.
I’m in a good place myself, doing well, kids are fine. But since the relationship I have little confidence, I’ve let myself go, can’t make eye contact with men in the street, don’t go out socially, only with the kids, and I developed a lot of obsessive routines at home, to do with mess and tidiness which I know comes from trying to gain back the control over my own home that I lost when he was here ( breaking things, stealing things, kicking bins over for me to clean up).
I honestly deal with these minor things, and know what’s caused them, but occasionally I see domestic abuse on the tv and will literally burst into tears for reasons I don’t understand, which tells me I’m obviously not as ok with it asi thought.
Is this something I just have to come to terms with. Or is there a ‘fix’. Such as counselling? Just can’t see it making any difference, and just don’t feel that I need it. I’m not traumatised and I’m not a victim.

Counselling has nothing to do with making you a victim, or telling you you are traumatised.
Its about exploring yourself, how you feel and how you react to certain situations, and looking at alternatives.
When you feel differently you react differently, and have a different outcome.

There are different kinds of counselling, and you can do more than one. Do the Freedom Programme for starters.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

First off, you sound incredibly strong after having been through so much, and I admire you for keeping going.
In relation to your question, counselling isn't a 'fix' per se, it's somewhere that can help you make sense of certain emotions, and I've seen it do wonders over time even in people who didn't think they needed it.
Now from your OP, I'd say (as someone who has seen the effects of it, not as a doctor) that counselling might be able to help you. That doesn't make you some poor traumatised victim, but you have had a pretty rough time of it and things like trying to take back control of your house will ultimately just eat up your energy. I would say try it, you're under no obligation to continue past the point where you feel comfortable and as I say, it can work very well and sometimes just chatting can be very beneficial. This doesn't make you a victim, you're not, but accepting some help might be what you need to get your life back towards how it was before him, because you really deserve to have the best quality of life possible.
That's just my opinion, you know what's best for you and your health, but I wouldn't say dismiss it right off the bat.

I have to tell you that counselling didn't work for me, and many counsellors I met I found really incompetent.

What did work for me however was psychotherapy. In fact, it changed me life.

Good luck.

To be honest, and I mean this gently, you don’t sound in an especially good place. You do however sound as if you are using a lot of coping strategies to get on with life. But you identify a lot of behaviours which you obviously recognise as not very healthy for your emotional or physical well being.

Does counselling ‘work?’ Well, I’ve found it very helpful when going through something difficult. Telling my story really helped and made me recognise that I’d been through a huge ordeal. I’m almost out the other side and I can measure my progress by fewer breakdowns, fewer nightmares and less of a need to keep repeating certain situations in my head. So I’m more at ease.

IMO it’s all about your wish to analyse your life and situation and to identify changes you might make. Mistakes you can avoid. And finding the right person to work with.

Good luck and best wishes for a happy future whatever you decide.

Thanks for the replies. I honestly feel like I’m in an ok place, best I’ve been for years. But yes, I recognise, that aside from my children and close family I’m quite cut off from people. I’m just emotionally quite shut off and low on confidence, but don’t feel it affects my happiness or general life. But maybe it’s a case of being so used to it that I don’t know any different. Maybe I could be happier, who knows
I guess I was wondering if counselling could help me discover if I could be happier, or if I do have underlying issues.
Unfortunately I can’t afford private so would have to see what the gp could offer....

With respect, bursting into tears when you see something about domestic abuse suggests you might have been traumatised. It's not unusual to be doing really well, for the most part, but have times that you particularly struggle.

Counselling/psychotherapy can be very helpful in giving you a safe, confidential space to talk things through. It's not about labelling or pathologising how you feel but helping you work things out for yourself. Your GP would most likely offer CBT but really a more relationship based therapy might be more helpful. Are there any voluntary agencies which offer counselling near you - they might offer a reduced fee or free counselling.

You mentioned that you can't afford private - I don't know if you know that a lot of therapists/ counsellors also take people on at reduced fees if they can't afford it, also local women's centres also do low cost therapy/ counselling. I've found therapy to be helpful, but it took me a while to find the right therapist, the first one was a disaster.

I know a fantastic lady that does especially therapeutic care for these situations

Even 1 or 2 sessions might help you out ? If you want her details please PM me

And yes I think you have done reallly well but are understandably traumatised and that's only human

You sound like someone who wants to say you are ok and can handle and survive anything, including an absolute grade A cvnt of a boyfriend. But you also say you have obsessive compulsive tendencies and avoid men. Those are the sorts of things that therapy helps with. But you will have to admit to yourself that life is best lived when you don't just restrict yourself to mere survival. And that means getting help from someone qualified to help. At the mo it sounds a bit like you are struggling on driving a car that has just scraped past its MOT. Would you upgrade a car if you could?.

It’s something I will look into, but even the thought of finding a counsellor, or the time to see one between work and kids, sounds like hard work. I genuinely think I’m ok, I’m always busy, do lots of fun things with the kids and have lots of love for the people around me, but feel I’m missing out on something. I’m happy being single and fully intend to stay that way. I’ve got my family close by but have no friends. Lots of people I’m friendly with, neighbours etc but no actual friends.
I wish I could get some of my personality back that I had before but think I’m jist a different person now, not sure if that’s because of ageing or experiences.

Does your area have a well being clinic? I've just been referred for a course of counselling free of charge and it was all really easy and quick to sort. It didn't even need to go through my gp.

Hi OP. I had anxiety in my 30s and had counselling, it has completely gone.

However, in my teens I had OCD and had no help for it. I still suffer from the remnants of it in the form of an eating disorder.

I know you say you are not a victim and that is a good mentality to have. But the reality is that you were treated very badly by someone who should have loved and respected you. And he is still treating you badly, so still affecting you.

And in a way the normal reaction to that is to be distressed, upset, unsettled etc. So bursting into tears about something upsetting on TV sounds perfectly normal to me, and not a sign of weakness at all.

It sounds like your ex is continuing to give you grief so you may wish to contact women's aid to see if they can help in any way.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

In terms of help, I think you need to see your GP and get some help for free on the NHS as a matter or urgency, there may be a waiting list etc but it is worth it. Please put your heart into this. It is not acceptable for this man to hurt you in this way and you do deserve to get better from the affects of his appalling treatment.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx Please especially look into Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR)

"Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment which has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.

It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident. Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.

It's not clear exactly how EMDR works but it may help you to change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience."

Good luck.

You sound like a really strong person OP and in many ways that is good. But maybe at times you are too strong.

It us OK to admit that you have been through something horrible. It is OK to feel like a victim and admit you may be traumatised. You admitting to those things or feeling that way isn't you declaring that you have been through worse than others. Yes, there probably are other people who have suffered more but they aren't you and you have a right to your own feelings.

It is OK to not always be strong. To need some support. To say "this was shit and I can't work it out alone".

Counselling would help a lot provided you find a counsellor that you can work well with.