Bloody ex-H

[Lucyccfc]

Just want a rant really.

DS (age 12) is with his Dad this weekend and his Dad asked me yesterday if he managed to get some tickets for an away football match, he wanted to take DS. I said he had 5 lots of homework to do this weekend, so it would be difficult.

Ex-H agreed and said he would go on his own and bring DS back early, so he could do his homework.

Back story - DS gets very stressed and anxious about homework if he has quite a lot to do. Ex-H prioritises football over everything - bills, rent, food etc and has even packed in jobs if they won't give him time off to go to matches.

So, this morning DS phones and says his Dad has got 2 tickets and he wants to go. I said no, as he has 5 lots of homework to do. I'm now the one who is in the wrong according to DS and his Dad because I won't let him go.

I do my best to make sure DS rarely takes homework to his Dad's, so they can do fun stuff at a weekend. I'm the one who has to deal with the stress and meltdowns over homework.

I get really bloody annoyed at his Disney Dad at times and his irresponsible attitude to school and homework and life in general.

This just feels like yet another piss-take. Ex-H is on the sick from work at the minute, so is not paying maintenance, but he still finds the money for football and his cans of cider every night. He gets invited here for Sunday lunch so him and DS can watch football (on Sky, that I pay for) and I regularly drive them both to home games and pick them up again. I do this for my DS, so he spends more time with his Dad, but really feel like telling ex-H to f&@k off now. I've even been known to give him bags of food when he is skint. I'm such a bloody mug at times, but I always wanted DS to see me and his Dad having an amicable relationship.

Your DS is 12, you need to start to step back from his relationship with his Dad. That would include not having Dad in your home (something I'd never do, under any circumstances) giving him food, running him & DS around.

On the homework front DS needs to manage and plan, I'd help him do this and again gradually leave it up to him. Planning & organising his time is a life skill he needs to learn.

Thanks Stripey. I have just messaged ex-H and asked for a weeks notice for me and DS in future for away games, so DS can plan and manage his homework properly.

I absolutely do need to take a step back and stop doing stuff for ex-H and let them both get on with it (starting on Wednesday when ex-H cam make his own way to the match and back).

I do find it hard though as ex-H has made such a pigs-ear of his life and DS really looks up to him and is very influenced by his Dad. It's tough as I want the best for DS. His Dad does too, but in a very different way.

Sounds like you have 2 teenagers op. You are actually enabling exh to continue being a man - child. But leaving 5 lots of homework until a Sunday is giving both you and ds unnecessary stress. Why not send it to exh and suggest he helps ds with it?

Your DS is old enough to make a choice here. Remind him he has homework. Remind him that no matter what he will be going to bed at X time. Tell him to CHOOSE what he wants to do, on the understanding that he doesn't come crying to you about it not being done and accepts any consequences of his decision, including any at school.

Your XH is a dick, but likewise this is a great opportunity for your DS to learn about taking ownership of his decisions and consequences.

You run around after your ex and wonder why your child puts him on a pedestal? He is just mimicking your behaviour towards your ex.

All good advice there ladies. I know I am/have been enabling my ex-H. It comes from seeing my divorced parents at each other's throats all the time and I didn't want that for my DS. I have gone about it in the wrong way - we can still be civil without me doing stuff for him.

Tinsle - the 5 lots of homework were given out on Friday and 4 of them are online. (Dad doesn't have a laptop or wifi). He did take one lot to his Dad's. He can take more in the future and his Dad can sort it with him.

Your DS is old enough to make a choice here. Remind him he has homework. Remind him that no matter what he will be going to bed at X time. Tell him to CHOOSE what he wants to do, on the understanding that he doesn't come crying to you about it not being done and accepts any consequences of his decision, including any at school.

I agree with this^^.