IL's: when the insanity never ends

[Whiskitaway]

Since meeting my now husband 10 years ago, his mother and step father have always had a roller coaster relationship with us. They are happiest when they are the centre of attention and live for facebook likes. They show little interest at others birthdays, argue every family event, dont share or celebrate our successes like buying our first house or job promotions. Even said they were disappointed when we bought our first house as it was in a neighbourhood a friend had said was bad. Things escalated to new heights when we got married this year when they tried their best to maliciously ruin our wedding. We are now no contact and its been nearly 6 months.I am still so mad about the wedding that when i think about it my blood boils. I have taken time to reflect on the years of their insanity and cannot logically understand why they are like this. They have a constant need to ruin everything and are jealous of anyone elses successes in life. His mother has always said family is everything but i fail to see how these are anything more than empty words when her actions show the opposite. Both husband and I honestly never want to see either of them again. Is there a point when cutting out contact with family is the only way forward? Has anyone else gone non contact with family before?

My relative who says family is everything means that we should put her first. It isn't a two way thing. She wanted DS2 to miss a gcse to go to an event with her.

Actions, not words.

It's a form of narcissism, I think. Here's the Wikipedia entry for Narcissistic Personality Disorder - not suggesting that we can diagnose your in-laws over the Internet but you might find some of the traits are familiar. They say it stems from people who didn't have enough positive attention in early childhood.

They say it stems from people who didn't have enough positive attention in early childhood? Yes, that's what they said about autism

Toomuchtooold
that wiki description is my DIL completely.

So whiskit all I can say is NC is your best option. Tho it sucks and isn't exactly the expected thing to do. Sometimes self preservation , for your own sanity's sake is best option.

I'm going to watch tis thread for good advice while stepping back from my own family dilemmas. Sometimes a break is what you need.
Life is too shirt to be blamed for everything when you know that narcissistic person can not see beyond themselves.
Good luck op x

It's brilliant that you an OH are in agreement over this. I think you've made a good call.

I have a relative who likes to trot out the "family first" line.
Like a pp, it's all about them and their needs. Family didn't come first when they had it good for many years. We barely saw anything of them. Just the odd boasty email about how many holidays and cruises they'd been on for the most part.
Now they're older and things are not so peachy and we're just expected to welcome them with open arms and put up with their miserable attitude at special occasions.
They're not narcissistic, just incredibly selfish.
I think that if both you and your DH are happy with the NC, just draw a line under the relationship and breathe a deep sigh of relief. I'm sorry they tried to ruin your wedding.

MIL is all family first. But she divorced Fil and broke up dh’s family. She moved to the other side of the world so we don’t see her often (once every 2/3 years) and she’s missibg out on family events etc. She’s annoyed at us because we’re doing family things and not including her (going to weddings, organising christenings for ds, dinners out etc). We can’t include someone in everything who is so far away.

My relative who says family is everything means that we should put her first

reminds me of our uncle. Who demanded that we give him our share of an inheritance otherwise he wouldn't talk to us again. Then tried to resolve it by sending a pile of 'solution' emails, all of which involved us giving him the money, "because family comes first and we shouldn't fall out"

You couldn't make this shit up.

Yes, lots of people have gone NC with awful relatives. It's a very hard road though and it's always a last resort imo. But in the end, just because someone is a relative it doesn't mean they are entitled to make your life an unremitting misery.

Having said that, the actual details you give don't sound that bad. More like they are rather selfish and not interested in others, rather than joy-sucking leeches. In that case I don't think NC is warrented (from this side of the screen)

But you didn't say what happened around the wedding and that may have been completely different, ofc.

If you go over to the relationships board you'll find lots of support and info there. The book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward might help you process some of this.

We have been NC with my parents for 16 years, our children were 2 and 5 at the time. Both my parents were toxic, I had an unhappy childhood and I realised that they were starting to treat my children like they had treated me. We walked away after one visit when some exceedingly unpleasant things were said by them, in front of the children, and I realised that I was not going to expose my children to their nastiness any longer. My mother sent cards (an excuse for writing all about their holidays) occasional nasty/unsuitable gifts and a couple of cheques for £10 that we did not cash. At no point have we had an apology from them and I have no regrets whatsoever.

Yes we dont see my DHs Mum, shes not all bad but has Bipolar and has constantly blamed my DH for this as it developed after she gave birth. Hes sad of course and would much rather have her in his life but cant cope with the relentless blame. What happened at your wedding?