Do good friends intervene or stand by and 'be there'?

[Saturnday]

Posting for traffic because I can't sleep through worrying about my friend. I wrote long post with all the details of the situation, but it would have been long and boring to read and essentially my question is simple:

What is the duty of a friend? Is it:

To give (unsolicited) advice to try and prevent a friend from making a grave error (although chances are the advice will go unheeded and may damage the friendship)

OR

To stand by and watch a friend make a mess of their life (hurting others who love them) and just 'be there' for them when it's time to pick up the pieces, even though you knew all along it would lead to tears and heartache.

I really don't know- what is the right thing to do?

Thanks

If it's something important, I think a good friend has to do the first, and also be prepared to do the 'picking up the pieces' if the advice goes unheeded. If it's something less important, then the second option seems more appropriate.

I've always just stood there. Never told them what to do. I'm 45 and it's worked fine so far.

Both.

I tend to do a little of both.

In the black and white way in which you’ve described the situation I’d say “be there”, however there are times when you need to step in and give some “tough love”. It depends on the situation.

I'd have to say my piece if I could see them heading for a terrible fall.

Then of course be there, if they did it anyway.

Just been in this situation.

Friend making a big fuck up. Basically telling her would've fallen on deaf ears and damaged friendship. Being there for the fall out was much more helpful for all of us in the end. Friend admitted she'd made a mess of things and was just grateful for friends who supported her in the fallout and didn't judge.

Well, I've just had a friend warn me about something I'm about to do. Made me feel bad and anxious, but I appreciate she is my friend and is looking out for me. I may still do the thing she is warning me against, but I will take her advice on board and have a contingency plan

Is there any way you could tell the friend what you're worried about happening in a supportive/abstract way? Maybe something like "I'll support you in doing whatever you decide to do, but I'm worried that.../worried about you and don't want to see you get hurt. But again, I'm here and I'll be here no matter what you decide" I've used that approach before and it helped put the worries out there/get them thinking, whilst avoiding damage to the relationship. That way, you can still be there if things do go wrong down the line.

I’d totally try to make them see sense BEFORE they fuck their, and others, lives up. Absolutely & without a doubt. Then I’d remind them that I am there for them no matter what. But I’m very close to my friends - maybe if I wasn’t I’d think differently. I just don’t see the point in standing by & watching the very predictable train crash then offering a bandaid.

Without knowing any details its impossible to actually say. For example I have a friend A, she was doing something which in my eyes was a big mistake, so I told her. Recently same friend is doing a different thing, which I also think is a mistake, but far different from the fuck up she was going to make, it has different effects on her and other's lives so I am going to wait and pray I am wrong.

I understand that is cryptic,but basically different things call for differnt actions

Is it the friend who is going to have an affair but tells you it’s just “ for fun” and her and DH are “solid” and nothing could damage their relationship?
Been there with that one. They are divorced now.
Of course I told her what a bad idea it was and pointed out all the pitfalls. She did it anyway so yes, I was around to pick up the pieces.

I think it's a mix of both. It's perfectly ok to tell your friend you're worried about them. But a true friend is always there to pick up the pieces afterwards anyway.

My personal only exception was when a good friend was acting like a complete dick to everyone. I tried to point out to her that this wasn't really 'her' and she proved to all of us it actually was.

If you give the unsolicited advice and the situation does go as you advised it might, then your friend may not want to have your support afterwards, because she'll feel stupid and maybe ashamed that things not only went wrong, they also went the way you predicted.

Think I'd try octoberfarm's way.

Good Luck however it pans out.

Thanks everybody. It's a tricky one, as my friend is really close to me and we go back a long way (known each other for 30 of our 35 years!) but we live at other ends of the country and don't speak all that often. Every few moths we have a 'big catch up' on the phone or in person. So I am not around in her daily life to have that subtle influence on her, pick my moment wisely, or patch up the friendship if it takes a knock. I am left watching from afar :-(

A bit of both. There are ways of 'talking through' something without 'telling them'.

You can ask them if they've thought it through, if they've considered all of the issues, and ask if they considered what would happen if (insert small element which might go wrong). Then see what the response is. But don't go right into 'you're making a grave error'.

Depends on the circumstances I think. I tend to prefer to mind my own business but be there for support. Well, so I thought..

I was out with a good friend earlier this year. Her DP was at event, there was a woman (we've seen her before) & they were looking at each other every so often. I noticed once or twice but didn't keep it in mind.

Friend left to drop another friend of ours home. I was outside talking to a few people. Then went back in, only to see friend's DP and this woman all over each other. I guess he thought as she and I had both gone, coast was clear. To think, they'd thought themself so clever, didn't go near each other, not even at previous events. But he'd obviously had the cheek to keep inviting his OW.w

So I phoned my friend told her to come back. A huge row ensued. They're not together now but I still think I did the right thing. & I'm there to support her, 100%.

So I guess I won't mind my own business where a friend is blatantly being made a mug of. Again, depends on the circumstances

Anyway in your shoes I'd tell your friend not to have an affair. She'll only be hurt, eventually. As will the OMs partner, if she finds out. What's the point if it all. But if she goes ahead then all you can do is help her pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down.Only to the extent that you can, though. You may not feel up to her going on and on about it, if you've already advised against and she chose to go ahead.