To think this was spiteful?

[moralberyll]

It was dm’s birthday on Friday and I unfortunately had to work until 3pm. We had arranged to meet after then (I only work 10 minutes away from the city centre!) in town to have a walk round the Christmas market and go for dinner, I double checked the plans with her on the morning and all was fine. Fast forward to midday and I receive a text at 12pm from dm saying she is now meeting my sister 12:30 instead and they are going for lunch but they ‘might’ still be in town when I finish at 3pm. Anyway I receive a text at 3pm as I am leaving work saying sorry but they are leaving town now to go home. I later questioned dm and she basically tried to blame me for just not being able to leave work in the middle of the day and said I had now ruined her birthday by making her feel bad. Aibu to think that she have just waited a couple of hours for me instead of cancelling our previously made plans? Sister is on maternity leave so she wasn’t tied to a specific time. Oh and Dm then posted on Facebook later in the day saying what a wonderful day she had had with her granddaughter.

Why is she BU SuzukiLi

She is weak and pathetic. Her children should be treated equally. Tell her how upset you are and then disengage. I'd also tell your sis this is not on, maybe she did not realise she had cocked up your plans.

Your mum is a fool. Sorry.

Do adults really take days off for a parent's birthday?!

YANBU that's really mean.

Your mum is being horrible, she should be treating you equally regardless of circumstances.

How do you feel about bringing this up with your mum?

On a lighter note, have you made any plans for your birthday?

YANBU I wonder whose idea it was to go out earlier to eat?do you have a good relationship with your DS despite the blatant favouritism?
This is awful,I know how you feel,it's happened(ing)to me too.
So hurtful.
Have a happy birthday 🌻🌻🌻

If you’d just made a loose arrangement then fair enough but if you’d definitely arranged to meet them then yeah, that’s pretty shit.

Yanbu - horrible way to treat you and spread resentment between siblings.

Italian, she probably doesn’t realise, she probably just rang dm and dm then failed to tell her about the plans we had already made as she felt that she couldn’t say no to dsis for fear of upsetting her. The problem is with dm, not so much dsis although I asked dsis if she wanted to celebrate my birthday this weekend by going for a meal or a drink and she said that she’s too skint even though she managed to find the money last weekend to go out for her friends birthday and has had her nails and spray tan done this week, so I am slightly disappointed with her, we only live 10 minutes away from each other. I have made plans today with a friend to go Amsterdam so I won’t actually have to see any of them on my birthday

Oh god it's so disappointing isn't it when the parent acts like this! I would distance myself... life you say OP I think there are bigger issues than the birthday. You have my sympathy x

We've had similar situations with both my mum and MIL. In fact one year, when do invited MIL out for dinner on her birthday, she accepted with the proviso that if his DB invited her as well, she'd rather go with them. DH told her our invitation was therefore cancelled as he is not second best, only to be used when nothing better is on the table. My mum has made arrangements with me and when I've arrived to pick her up she's not at home - when I called her mobile, she's decided to go any with my sibling instead. I no longer arrange anything for her birthday, I pop over with a card and her gift, but we don't go out anymore. And then, my sibling has the cheek to tell me I don't care about my family because I won't let them mess me around.
My sympathies to you OP, it hurts, but at least I know where I stand. And I don't /won't make the same mistakes with my own dcs.

I HATE favoritism and all that manipulative bs, many families have The Whole dysunfctional "family hierarchy" and "toxic family roles", im guessing she's the golden child?
I'm already getting angry on your behalf, and yes I can relate all too ello

That was hurtful, OP, I'm sorry. It does seem like she favours your sister and that isn't right at all.

I would agree that you should distance yourself from this.

I want to see my Grandchildren on my Birthday and at Christmas, so I'm on 'toddler time'.

Often my DD (and GD) are up at 6 am, by 4pm they are having tea and winding down. So we can't run on my eldest DD's work time.

Does your Sister need help to get out and about? You say that she is highly strung.

Would she have been trying to get a pram through the evening crowds, if they had waited for you?

Is she worse off than you, financially?

Tbf, your Mum spent her Birthday doing what she wanted to and for most people, baby Grandchild, trumps Adult children.

But Birdsgottafly that wasn't the arrangement! OP's mother dropped her like a stone because she had a better offer after they had already made plans. Sister could have gone home if she had trouble pushing her pram in the crowds or couldn't afford it. It didn't need to be one trumping the other, she should have seen both daughters.

"she should have seen both daughters."

She should have said to the OP that she was going to cancel the plans.

However, you get knackered trying to give equal time to all Adult children. There's times that you'll see one more than another, especially with a new baby.

Personally I'd struggle to let my DD 'go home' because it was too busy for a pram.

You're pulled I need all directions and there comes a time, such as your Birthday, when enough is enough.

ptumbi My thoughts exactly !!!

This happened to my MIL alienated my DH, her DD (my SIL) takes the piss out of her to her face and uses her for babysitting duties.

We're NC, I dread to think what her life is like now

If that's the case Bird she really should have let OP know rather than messing her about.

My mum lives and breathes for her grandkids but that's not an excuse to be unkind to me or my brothers.

Stop chasing them about Beryll - Save your effort for people who actually want to spend time with you.

Time to start getting distance from your mum and sister to spare further hurt OP. You are disregarded and it is not right.

I think it depends on your relationship with your mum in general. If this was a one off I wouldn't be bothered; I would go home, have a good evening with my partner and suggest to a friend we go to the Christmas market together another day. I would also assume, for whatever reason, it suited her better to change her plans to lunchtime. It wouldn't bother me because we have a good relationship. Has your relationship always been poor?

With regards to the takeaway from what you write it sounds like you and your mum wanted one but your sister said she couldn't afford it. You can hardly leave her sitting there watching while you eat. I would have chucked in a few quid too with my mum to cover for a sibling who was broke, so we could enjoy it together. I wouldn't watch my mum pay and then feel hard done by.

You do say however the issue is with your mum and not sister so could you speak to her and ask in future she speaks up if she notices your mum is excluding you again?