Hi there everyone, I've posted a few times recently, I suppose trying to work out how I am feeling and what is right and wrong in a sense.
I am 29 and have recently been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder after years of clinical depression diagnosis and hospitalisation.
I am high functioning, a single to mother to a seven and two year old, doing a full time Masters program after graduating with an honours this summer.
both boys have different fathers (5 years together and 3 years together) but this cause me a lot of shame, so much so i have been unable to make friends in my village, I joined the parent council, but simply cannot bring myself to attend meetings, i do not feel like a complete person, as though I'm tainted (apparently part of BPD).
I have been seeing a man for 11 months. He is charismatic, very intelligent, funny, full of love (although at intervals, not the same everyday maybe). I have had a voice telling me to leave for various reasons, the main one being his sexual fantasies for many months (which i have gone long with), have attempted to leave about 4 times, but he gets very upset, declares his love and i feel terrible, that I am seeing it all wrong, and that i should continue, that i am very lucky to have someone who loves me. The relationship is fairly long distance, i do the vast majority of travel. He is professional and older than me.
i feel as though i love him, but get anxiety around him I've noticed. I have started not staying at his house in the last few weeks as it doesn't feel like "home" anymore. But I am still in "crisis" so that could well be why, he was very upset at my leaving.
Its difficult to separate the BPD (in previous relationships i have left or engaged in stupid behavior) and the voice that says "this will hurt, you will be very upset, but this is not what you want" Its almost sitting in my throat.
So....what does a good, stable, healthy relationship look and feel like ?
thank you so much