Re: Advice on play date expectations

[MaeveSpears]

Hi, I don't get on with my sister-in-law for various reasons. I try to keep my distance. Unfortunately our kids are of a similar age - 9 years and she rings and texts my husband(She is married to his brother) EVERY weekend (never me) to arrange playdates and sleepovers. I find it really excessive and I told him I would like to limit them and spend the weekend with my kids. He gives in to her and arranges playdates constantly with super friendly texts. He makes it clear he does not want to fall out with her regardless of the fact it upsets me. Without fail, she text and rings him every weekend. Would this annoy you? I told him I'd like to limit them to at least every 5 weeks. Do you think this is reasonable? Any advice would be appreciated...He has an ability saying no to her and likes her. She is always super friendly to him.

My 9yo has school friends and activities to keep him busy at the weekend. Weekly family stuff would be almost impossible.

"Every five weeks" is a bit odd though. Too far the other way and sounds too much like you're trying to avoid her.

Is there anything objectionable about DN?

If SIL knows you dislike her it's quite sensible of her to contact your DH to make arrangements instead, btw.

What does your 9yo think?

Hi, I prefer a peaceful existence and she has really stirred up things for me in the past. She is a major drama queen who spreads gossip etc and I don't need that in my life... she has done me no favours.. Instead of confrontation I was just hoping to avoid her but can't because my husband is always arranging playdates with her.

But she isn't trying to meet up with you; she's trying to get the cousins together. Do your DC and DN get on?

That is, why do you have to get involved? If DH arranges a play date can you use that time to do the supermarket shop or something else that would otherwise intrude on your time with your child?

Otherwise you could try getting in first and arranging other stuff for your DC, making sure DH knows not to double book or overcommit.

The kids get on okay, but do you not think a sleepover every single weekend is excessive..

Is your son going to them or their to you?

Absolutely it's excessive. So negotiate. Block out the weekend so it's impossible, but give DH leeway to suggest a couple of hours at the cinema or trampoline park or forest or something so he doesn't feel like he's actually saying no.

They arrange both. He can stay with us or my son goes over there. I just find it a bit much every weekend I know the texts are going to start flying...and my husbands phone is going to start ringing off the hinges..

Your DS needs to start being more busy with school friends. I would try arranging a few sleepovers in advance do that next time SIL texts then DH can say (honestly) that DS is busy etc etc but how about in two weeks ?

Two days a week my kids have playdates & once a month a sleepover I think its about finding a happy balance for the family as a whole, family time, visiting family, socialising, fun weekends quite weekends & time for your kids to have friends around, my dd1 is 9 & if I allowed it she'd have a different friend home everyday & a friend sleeping over every weekend

Are you actually annoyed about the time or are you mostly annoyed about your DH prioritising your SIL's wants and needs over yours? They have different answers.

Well do you have plans on those days? Doesyour DC want to go / have a sleepover?
Make it clear to DH that as he has organized it, he can do all the work for it - lifts and supervising and cooking etc

That is a very good point. I think it is a bit of both. If I really liked her, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much..

Hi, I don't want to stop a friendship with my son and his cousin as I know that would be unfair. I just wish she did not call constantly. It would be great if she waited for us to call her for a playdate. Though she would be waiting a long time on my part..

Maybe the thing to do here it get DH to contact her first and suggest the next playdate but make it a week or two ahead? A few weeks of that and you'll cut the frequency down a lot (although the looming xmas hols might bugger things up for a while, but you can go back to this again in January) and just start to change the pattern/dynamic a bit?

Agree that your DH should do the driving/hanging around if he's made the arrangements.

And you should enjoy your child-free time!

How wonderful for your child to have a close relationship with their cousin. Does your DS enjoy it?

TBH I think you need to have made other plans sometimes, perhaps. 9am swimming lessons or going out in the evening.

A more realistic alternative than every 5 weeks would be a week at yours a week off, a week at theirs, a week off.

Get in there first. Call her and tell her you are busy next weekend but make a plan for the weekend after.

Thanks for the advice. It's good to get an external viewpoint to take onboard. It's causing friction between myself and hubbie as I feel he is choosing her feelings over mine. I want my son to have loads of friends and I arrange other playdates etc.

If he is arranging the playdates without talking to you, I would just keep making other arrangements. So he says "X will be here at Y time on Sat" and you say, sorry, child and I will not be here" and DON'T be there.

He'll soon get the message.

yanbu. It's nice for cousins to get along but not only is your dh ignoring your wishes but I assume he doesn't ask your son. I would ask your son for a list of who he would like to see, arrange some playdates and put it in the diary in big capitals so your husband can see. If he then double books son it's up to him to cancel.

I feel he is choosing her feelings over mine.

Yes, he is. But that's something to take up with him, not her.

I don't think yabu. Weekly is excessive. Tell that to your H. You have every right to say "no H, not this weekend."

Next time he arranged it say "what are planning to do with him? Ds and I have plans so it be you and dn" and stick to it.

If you take dn once a month and they take your ds once a month that's two sleepovers a month but you only have to do one, that's a happy medium

You need to brave and have it out with her or start arranging sleepovers that fall through last minute.

Every weekend with the same child is too much - your child has no chance to ever have a weekend day or a sleepover with his own choice of friends. Perhaps her child hasn't got any other friends? Otherwise it's odd. I guess it's nice if cousins are friends, but not exclusive friends!

I'd say the kids should initiate by 9 - they can call one another on the land line if they actively want to organise a sleepover. They're 9 year old children not toddlers or dogs, they get to choose now.