NC in case this is identifying.
Before I had DD, DH and I used to go to my mum and step dads (SD) for Christmas to visit them and my siblings. My mum and SD are very religious and they don't do presents at Christmas. Instead they focus on the religious side of Christmas. DH and I aren't religious however at the time my my dad and his DP lived abroad and the ILs go on holiday for Christmas so it made sense to go there and see the family and neither of us minded going to church because we got to spend time with the family. It also used to take us a six hour drive to get there so we used to travel there Christmas eve and stay till after boxing day.
DD was only a few weeks old for her first Christmas so we spent the holiday at home with just DD, me and DH.
For her second Christmas she had just turned 1 and she hated the car. My dad and his DP had also moved back to the UK and lived much closer to us. So we spent Christmas day with my dad and his DP and then we travelled to my mum's in stages so DD didn't get completely overwhelmed in the car. We then stayed till New year's day.
I had never spent Christmas with my dad before but it was actually really fun and one of the best Christmases I have ever had.
So this year DD will have just turned two and I am pregnant with twins. We have recently moved and we now live just over 3 hours away from my mum's. Due to DHs job he has to go back to work after boxing day so we can't do the same as last year. My mum called last week to ask if we are coming for Christmas. I said hadn't thought about it too much yet but I was thinking of spending Christmas with my dad again and then DD and I will travel to my mum's after Christmas and then DH will travel there that weekend and we will all spend new year with them.
My mum was very upset saying she wants us all at the house for Christmas because she wants us to spend time in the church and show DD how Christmas should be celebrated. I told her I would talk to DH about it and get back to her but that I didn't think we would be coming for Christmas day. She hung up on me and then SD and some of my siblings text me asking what had happened because my mum was so angry and upset about it.
I talked to DH and we both agree that we prefer going to my dad's for Christmas and having boxing day to ourselves then going to see my mum and that it worked well last year. So I called again and spoke to SD about the arrangements and he was totally fine with it. But since then my mum has been sending me texts asking me to change my mind because she wants everyone there for Christmas and how we need to start introducing DD to the church to get her used to it and how Christmas is the best time to do that.
I just keep replying that I haven't changed my mind but now she is getting my siblings involved and my sister has just sent me a very long text saying that all the family agree that I am making the wrong decision and that they are worried about the effect my choices are having on DD. She also said that we see my dad more and so we should make the effort to see my mum as its a special day.
I haven't replied because it will just cause more upset but My sister is right we do see my dad more and maybe we should make the effort to go. But at the same time I would dread another Christmas with them. Trying to keep DD happy in church would be a nightmare and because I am a woman I am expected to help out with all the chores etc and I'm already tired as it is.
So AIBU to not go to my mum's or am I making excuses and just suck it up and go because it's the holidays and we should make the effort as we don't see them as much.