It’s my birthday and I’m so fucking fed up.

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

My birthday today. It’s a depressing one. The family business has been in trouble and DH has cleaned us out trying to save it this year. He always lies about how “it will get better” but it never does. It’s been shit for years now. So here I am another year older knowing that I’m worse off than I was 20 years ago. Only now I’m not in my youth and with no future to look forward to I just feel so totally desolate. No point in talking to DH because I’m fed up with the “Soon” and “It’s getting better” lies. Whenever I try and tell DH how I feel I get snapped at. I shout at the kids, and then I feel guilty like a shitty pathetic mother which I am. I’m parmanantly stressed, anxious and increasingly unhappy with life.

Kids are off to bed. I’ve not eaten much because the cupboards are bare. But of course I’ve had to pretend to the world that life is great and I’m so happy. Because no one knows how awful I feel. No one even has the slightest inkling that anything is wrong, because I hide it. I can’t tell anyone about our situation.

So Aibu to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep?

OP, you could be sliding into depression. I am guessing that you feel hopelessly out of control re your current life situation?
You are at the behest of your dh and have no say in your life, it would seem.
What do you want to happen? I there anyway YOU can DO something that would make you feel you were reaching for the reins again?

No, you don't have to keep on for the sake of the dc. You are miserable and they will feel that, no matter how well you try and cover it up.
Do you have family support?

LTB

* My head is scrambled. I’m so tired all of the time. I look a mess and I absolutely hate myself*

Why don’t you think you are depressed?

It rarely Manifests as ‘feeling sad’ in fact all The times I’ve had it, it has pretty much shown with the symptoms you describe. I’m sort of sliding down into an episode at the moment and I feel tired, hopeless, alternately shouty angry then numb with bouts of almost hysterical relief/ giddiness and an overriding existential dread of the future.

It’s ok to look out for yourself

Happy Birthday, sorry things are so shit for you at the moment x

Do you work OP?
Also, I know the answer is probably no but is there a chance your DH can apply for another job, as an employee rather than running your own business?

Is it usually like this before Christmas and will it then pick up again or is it literally falling apart?

Why do you have to keep going ‘for the dcs’?
Do you really think their life will be worse if you leave, take them with you, get happier (because youre not resentful anymore) and avoid the bare cupboard?

Your H has to start talking about this business and know how it makes you feel. He also has to accept that maybe other sources of income have to be found.
And he cannot, just NOT, stop you from Talking to other people about how shit your life is. Though if it makes him feel shit. Because it does make you feel shit too and you are entitled to some support.
And he needs to known that you are dreaming of leav8ng him over it too.

Sorry you've had an awful birthday.

I don't think you can live like this any more, the stress and worry is eating away at you and it won't be long before you do go under and that could manifest itself either mentally or physically - surely your husband wouldn't want this?

Is it pride that is stopping him being honest with himself about the state of the business and the same pride which means he is trying to prevent you talking to anyone? He can't stop you talking about your situation with anyone, he is your husband not God.

Your husband needs to admit that the business is failing and stop living on dreams of it improving.

I would suggest that you put a time limit say 3 months from 1st January in which the business has to show signs of improvement that are sustainable otherwise the business has to be sold or folded.

Prior to the deadline start date your husband (and you if applicable) need to think about what you can do instead of the business, go through in forensic detail your finances so you know what is coming if/when the business goes.

Also, it would be good if you could both talk about what you want from your lives, where you see yourselves in say 10 years, and you need to tell him that you cannot be in this position in 10 years time so something needs to change.

If you can't sort any of this out I think you should seriously consider divorce, you can't live like this and nor should you be expected to. Initially separation/divorce will be difficult but it will improve and you will be able to direct your own future.

Does your husband not notice the cupboards are bare? What does he eat?

You need to sit down and tell him you aren’t prepared to live like this anymore and that he has 3 months to turn it round or the business folds. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

Happy birthday Fedupfeelingthisway and congratulations on the birth of your DS Bella!! I have been in both your situations and literally cried everyday but things DO get better!! You're both amazing mummies and I really wish you both a happy future xx

OP, my heart bleeds for you. I know two men like DH. My advice, from horribly close-to-experience, is:

1. Get a job, keep it, turn it into a career.
2. Your kids will love a mother who feeds and houses them a whole lot more than a miserable SAHM, believe me.
3. You don't have to tell other people about your troubles, but you have the right to, and so do your kids
4. Hang on - other people have already guessed.
5. If DH's MO is not talking, so much the better. Just get on with it.
6. When he tries to talk you out of getting an income, smile and do it anyway.

Last but not least, take the time when you finally get some to accept that you haven't married a provider. Yep, it's humiliating and a worry.

Do not feed his ego - or yours - at the expense of feeding your children.

Happy birthday!!

So sorry you are having such a difficult time of it.

As others have said - your DH doesn't get to dictate who you talk to about what. You need support, please ask for it! And you may be surprised that people already have an idea you're having a difficult time.

And also- being depressed sounds like a possibility, and is nothing to be ashamed of.

For tonight, can you call a friend? Or call the Samaritans, That's what they are there for.
Going forward it may be worth talking to your GP- they can help with depression. They see it every day, nothing surprises them.

Please don't feel you have to do this alone x

OP, I wrote my post above on the assumption that the family business is your and your dh's business but it occurred to me that it may be dh's family's business which will complicate things a bit more as he alone may not be able to sell or fold it. If that's the case I would still give the 3 month deadline for improvement and then he has to leave/be bought out of the business. He could remain a silent partner or shareholder and work somewhere else. Also, I hope if this is the type of business it is that when he put all your savings in to keep it going that this was documented and done as a loan so that you can get them back if he leaves the business.