To expect DH to do more now I'm working?

[beingabanana1]

I've been a SAHM to DC age 7 and 5 until recently when I managed to find a job fairly locally with hors that fit in with DC (9am -2:30pm). I do this Mon to Fri. I drop off DC before work and am finished in time to pick them up. Before this I expected to do all housework and DH came home to a meal, everything done etc. I was completely happy with this and in fairness so was he and he didn't particularly want me to get a job - no pressure at all from him. Now I am working I still do Everything I did before house and DC wise as well. I feel pretty frazzled. When I mention this to DH he either says I don't have to work (is reduce my hours which is not an option), or some comment about now I know how he feels. I'm starting to feel pretty irritated with him but don't want to become one of those couples who competes with who does the most. He starts work at 8 until 5.

Op I don't think yabu. Ideally it needs revisiting.

Obviously you take into consideration his working hours but what happened before kids?

I work three full days and have had this argument a few times (fingers crossed the last one a few moths ago and seems to have improved things slightly).

Obviously I'm home more but much of that time is taken up with looking after dd and attempting to do jobs round her. As things stand she won't go to sleep for dp so if we count child related tasks compared to before, I'm still generally 'on duty' long after he's been able to bung some pasta on and switch the tv on.

Basically I'm saying that the household jobs increase with children. It's really important that someone doesn't end up feeling like they're skivving for the other. Even if you were still at home full time adults have to take some responsibility for themselves.

He could just ensure he has zero impact on the house but that's a very sad selfish way to live .

I can’t be doing with this view that the one who stays at home enables the other persons career. It’s totally shit and most of the people I know who spout this nonsense made the decision to stay at home because it gave them the easier life.

What complete rubbish

I doubt OP in lounging about of the sofa - yes kids can amuse themselves but what about all the play dates clubs they do they need to be taken too

Does he eat? Therefore he can wash up - is he responsible for the kids? Then he can help with homework - one can bath the other do stories.

OPs day starts when the kids get up - assumes she makes breakfast drinks sorts bags and shoes finds coats and hats, takes them to school, goes to work, collects kids, chats about their day, sorts tea and puts a wash on.

DH comes home has tea and sits on the sofa while op washes up hangs up washing does homework baths the kids finds clothes for the next day and sorts out the stuff they need - add a few odd jobs like wipe round the bathroom and mil a floor and she might sit down about 9 while DH has had a good 4 hours rest !!

Sounds fair? I don't think so

Yes if he leaves at 7.30 to start at 8 then surely op is up and ready and
Sorting kids and putting a wash on and driving them to school then gets to work. She may start after 9 but she still been busy for 2h. Ditto picking up and getting home and provable doing food shop as well. She may get 1h theory to self after deduct no lunch break but unlikely to do anything and prob has to start cooking. Since they are both actively out and about and busy 7.30-530 then any evenings and weekends are shared.

YANBU
DH is pretty good as does half of the housework but he doesn't always realize the extra-tasks there are with children: prepare school clothes for the next day, buy presents when they are invited to parties, fill out forms, etc. So I usually point out that I am doing it and ask him to do an equivalent task. I think it is easier this way with identified tasks than just asking him to "do more" which is abstract IYSWIM

I would assume you are still busy with the children for the hours he works? In that case it seems fair to split the rest of household duties unless you are not contributing your pay check and using it for spending money instead. Given that this is causing problems I would reccomend that you consider getting a cleaner.

I wonder how many DH/DP who want children would be prepared to change or hinder their careers by working part time alongside their partners in order to share the domestic/childcare load.

Fair enough to apportion household tasks pro rata, according to how many hours you work. If you finish at 2.30pm, I'd think it's reasonable for you to do the majority of household tasks mid week

I would reccomend that you consider getting a cleaner

As OP is doing more than her share and it's DH who has an issue then HE should find a cleaner and pay for the service!!

Is it just me that hates the assumption that working full time is so hard and stressful that the poor baby cant do anything at all around the house but sit down when he gets home and play on his phone/watch tv/play video games

And that women should somehow be happy to provide for their man, watch the house and look after the children because, well you know that is all they can do.

FFS its like we have gone back in time to the 1950s. I strangely enough used to manage to work full time and keep my house clean - its called being an adult

What works for one won't work for another. I work part time, as I don't work in a Monday and finish to do school pick up on a Tuesday. The other three days we work the same hours. On a Tuesday I pick up dd, do any homework, take her to rainbows, do some tidying/laundry while she is there and then pick up dh from work.
We split jobs of an evening. One does tea, dishes and prepares lunches for the next day. The other showers dd, puts her to bed and irons the clothes. We alternate days.
We split housework at the weekend but we each prefer to do different tasks. On a Monday I finish what wasn't done at the weekend whether it is the shopping, any housework or ploughing on with decluttering (which seems to be endless). Until recently dh was also doing part time study so I did some extras and could pick up the slack on a Monday to allow us family time at the weekend. Sometimes feel if would be less hassle to be in work as I am always rushing about.
I can see both sides. He is at work longer, but after picking up the children you are sorting them out, getting tea etc so it is not time to yourself. Maybe sitting down and both saying what you feel will clear the air and allow you to plan who does what.

When you’re working long hours in a job that requires a lot of concentration, responsible for making important decisions about people’s futures and dealing with endless demands from a lot of different sources and having to deliver work at specific times if day, then yes. It is more stressful than being at home with kids. Add onto that a commute each way and yes, you’re going to be physically and mentally knackered.

I’d like to know where these cushy office jobs are where people get paid shit loads for just sitting around all day.

I worked that schedule, its hard.

I would suggest - he cleans half the house once a week, cooks twice a week, washes up every other day (or alternates this with bathtime/bedtime nagging etc), does lifts to at least one activity for dc if applicable. You may want to work out washing and shopping too.

When you’re working long hours in a job that requires a lot of concentration, responsible for making important decisions about people’s futures and dealing with endless demands from a lot of different sources

You are describing motherhood right there!

if there were no children working long hours doesn't absolve you from household tasks. Stuff needs to be done. Whatever he'd have to do if they were both working is stuff he should be doing now.

Just be fair and kind to each other.
None of us here know the details that could make either yours or your husbands lives harder or easier than the other persons - i.e. Size of house, cleanliness of house, effort in to cooking, children's activities, stress of job etc etc
If you're both getting up at the same time, working in one form or another from the same time, then you should finish at the same time.

He says you don't have to work but you do have to do his share of the domestic duties? Who put him in charge of you? Yanbu. Running the home is as much his duty as it is yours. Why is it that some men still have this ingrained sexist attitude?

I work part time - 8am-6:30pm four days a week.

Dh works full time - 8am-8pm five days a week.

Our basic rule is that no-one gets to crash until the other one does. If he is still going in the office at 7pm, then I am not going to be lying around on a sofa.

If he gets home from work and I'm still clearing the kitchen down or looking after dc, he doesn't get to watch TV.

We stop when everyone is done and that way no one is resentful and everyone is totally exhausted all the time!

You are describing motherhood right there

What rubbish. Motherhood is just a part of life. It isn’t a job. It isn’t even the most difficult or important part of life.

@zeezeek what would you consider the most difficult/important part of life? My children are pretty important to me and difficult.

I also find work easy in comparison to being at home all day and my job is majorly stressful.