To feel I’ve failed at parenting

[Chattycat78]

Just that. Have 2 under 3 with a 16,5 month gap. Both boys.

Eldest is almost 3 - and can be a right terror. Some days I really despair and don’t know what to do with him. Today for instance- we go to a playgroup. He was pushing, snatching and generally being a menace to other kids. When I look around, no one else seemed to be doing those things and all the other kids were playing nicely . eventually I had to warn him that we’d be leaving if he did it again, and I couldn’t even get him to listen to me to tell him this- he was trying to get away- so I had to grab him by the shoulders a little forcefully, at which point, he bit me.

I won’t go on about the rest of it, but my main point is this;

• do I have the devil child and other children are good or is that just how it looks? I feel like he’s getting a reputation as “naughty” which isn’t good.
• have I failed at this already- is he like this he because of me?
• I feel like I’m being driven to do things I’m not proud of- he’s really big for his age and very physical, and sometimes the only way of controlling him or getting him to listen right now is via the physical- eg grabbing him by the shoulders. However, I’m not proud of this and Tbh a little worried about how This might be viewed by others- I could see no one else feeling the need to grab their child. . Am I handling things all wrong? Going even further, should I be worried that the other mums might report me or something for this?

We try to install discipline at home and I thought it was working...I guess not. I should also add that things have been tough since ds2 came along (jealousy etc)but I thought ds1 would be used to him by now.

Any insight is welcome.

Hi Op l had 2 16 months apart, and my advice is consistant disipline is the key......if l had said 'if you do not stop we will leave' and he didn't listen, l would leave without any hesitation...every single time.

Also l found before we went into anywhere l would tell then how l expected them to behave whilst in the car, specifically...
things like' if you run away from me we will leave',
'if you do not do as l ask we will leave'

As soon as they misbehaved l would repeat ONCE then if they did it again leave immediately...yes l had to inconvenience plans and missed out on a couple of things, but very quickly they became very well behaved out and about.

Plan where you go for a few weeks, preferrably just you and them, as it can be haerder out with friends, and put this into practice...you must be very consistant but it does work, always follow through.

Good luck op

DD1 was a hell demon challenge at 3 shoving biting poking

Hmm- I guess the SEN isn’t totally out of the question. I just thought he was a challenging energetic toddler! How on earth do I tell the difference?

Also this seems sooo much harder when it’s winter! I Mean it’s nearly dark now! Entertaining them is a real issue! Example- eldest one is now running around the room like a maniac wanting to “play fight” - it’s not that gentle either- more like real fighting! Wine anyone?!!!

Honestly, parks in the wet and rain suitably dressed. (Not in the dark, earlier!) It’s just so hard though.

There's a book called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk', might be helpful. And exercise, lots and lots of exercise. When DS was that age he had preschool on the morning and we either went to the playground or to the forest in the afternoon. Winter just meant being wrapped up well!

Also wondering if he ever gets one on one time.

OP about telling the difference- you said even when you were telling him off he wasn't listening and squirming away then bit you. Does he normally listen and pay attention when you speak to him? Is his vocab good for a child his age? Does he make consistently good eye contact and answer to his name regularly? Does he have any obsessive interest or repetitive behaviours? (My DD is obsessed with colours and repeats them often. Her games are more repetitive actions rather than making up an imaginary story and acting it out) is he flexible about changes of plans, where he sits at the table for eg, whether his daily routine changes etc. When he tantrums, does he manage to calm down by himself after a reasonable amount of time or does his mood change for more than an hour without intervention eg cuddles and reassurance. Does he play imaginary games yet, does he play with other children or seem interested in them. How independent is he? Does he have any sensory issues? Is he fussy with food textures? Those are some examples to consider. There is an M-Chat questionnaire online for toddlers if you have any concerns. ADHD isn't something that's diagnosed before school age as children vary so much with levels of boisterousness/climbing/being fearless and impulsive etc.

*When I say how independent is he, it's because often a child with ASD will play alone for a long time/doesn't seem to need you etc.

Get the book Raising a Spirited Child. When my boys were little I used to go to work for a rest. Sometimes dh would be pissed off because I’d complain how lucky he was to be able to drive forty minutes away to work. This book helps to see the positive qualities in naughty, I mean spirited children. My ds2 was a terror. Now he’s lovely, mainly!

It's a tough age gap. I have 3 kids, 6, 3 and 2. There's 3 years between the boys and 16 months between the little 2. Ds2 was a nightmare until very recently so I totally get how you're feeling. You haven't failed, it's just easier to keep them in check when you only have one. Kids aren't silly, they know when you can't get to them quickly etc because you have the baby and they play on that. It does get easier.

I have two boys with a similar age gap. I feel the same.

You won't know whether you've failed at parenting until you pop your clogs and can (hopefully) hear what your DC have to say about you then. So you'll know in about 60 years. Come back then.
Sometimes the world at large gets all the rotten behaviour and they are little angels at home.
Other times, you will assume the teacher is talking about the wrong child when he mentions the politeness, helpfulness, mega effort - when all you get at home is crap and evil eye.
It's been mostly the latter in this house for the past 23 years, interspersed with some really horrific episodes of the former.

Sorry, I'm so mixed up because of the level of evil eye here today.

Mamma- most of those things you refer to don’t ring a bell. Yes he doesn’t listen but he has excellent language skills and Memory for his age. He makes up games and acts them out. He plays with other kids and he likes your involvement in his games. He knows his name and age. He has too much energy though and yes won’t listen.

I always just ask in case but it's probably nothing to worry about then.

Does he walk much? Get lots of exercise? that can help too. Don't beat yourself up OP, I bet it's not as bad as you worry about. he's still really little and they do have a lot of energy to burn. The social skills will come later.

TheCat
I said more common. Not incredibly rare or even doesn’t happen in girls. Boys are more physical, moving their arms and kicking out in a general way in everyday life. Not just when cross. Because of this they are more likely to display these behaviours when angry. There are studies aplenty if you google to back up what I’m saying.

To dismiss what another is saying just because you perceive it as anti boy or sexual stereotyping is actually total rubbish.

At the risk of being a helicopter parent, I am rarely more than arm's length from my daughter at toddler groups. Partly because I never know what she'll do next but mostly because other parents vanish to the edges of the room to sit and chat or play on their phones the minute we get there.
Most are too young to have any understanding of not snatching, hitting and biting.
The frustrating thing is the parents who don't pay enough attention, or offer hollow threats (but who clearly don't want to leave the toddler group/their cup of tea so never actually follow up. I'm sure you're not one of those.

coastal that's not difficult with one toddler but I have 2 and my friend has 3! It's not always easy.

I never use my phone at toddler group, that's a shame that people can't switch off and socialise in RL.

Calm and consistent and sticking to your word is key, I now have an really well behaved 7 year old but wow as a 3 year old he was hard work. Many times we left places and he lost toys etc, but plenty of praise when being good and sticking to my guns has paid off. Just had baby number 2 so am dreading going through that stage again but it will be ok. Parenting is hard, it will get easier

It's harder with more than one I realise, but so many adults seem to have no focus on what the children are doing - even just one child. Last week I saw one boy hitting another repeatedly with a small wooden mallet. It was a toy, but looked like it hurt! Both were being looked after by grandparents who were merrily chatting away over cups of tea in the kitchen of the church hall, completely oblivious.

I had THAT child at playgroups! Much better now though at nearly 4. I took to buying a treat before group and leaving it in the car and saying if you behave at group and sit down for the songs etc you get the treat. It worked for the most part.
Even now if we are going somewhere and I predict there being any issues (ours are mainly with sitting down) e.g. If we were going for a meal that was going to be a few courses, I would preempt the situation and buy some chocolate and say you can have it if you stay in your seat the whole time. I know it's not really the done thing on here to bribe but it definitely works for us. I'm having to use it less and less as he gets more reasonable too.
So basically do what you have to do to manage each day because as they mature they do become more reasonable. My DS is really good most of the time now just because he likes to be a good boy. Also loads and loads of praise for even the slightest improvement in behaviour. He thrives on that.