To think that there may be something underlying wrong?

[BringbackBrookside]

I’m worried about my toddler.

He’s 2.5 and has been utterly miserable most of the time since the day he was born. It sounds crazy but he was born eyes wide open, completely alert all wired up. At two months old he was refusing to lie down and wanted to be propped up all the time to see the world.

Where do I start? I have two older children and although I know babies and toddlers can be hard work I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m afraid to speak to anyone in case they just have me down as a parent not coping.

He’s having almost daily tantrums that can last up to and even over an hour, triggered by the tiniest thing such as giving him the wrong banana from the bunch, or attempting to take off his coat on coming in the house.

As a baby he was never happy and never slept day or night, he only eventually slept when we started cosleeping. He would never sleep out and about I could walk for miles with him in pram sling or pushchair but he’d never sleep. We eventually got him sleeping in his cot through sheer persistence and routine but it’s all gone out of the window now and he refuses to go to bed without one of us lying with him.

I get home from work and he screams the house down from the minute we walk in until bedtime, I give him food immediately on coming in so not hunger.

The moment he opens his eyes in the morning he screams and cries for my husband to fetch his milk, and it has to be my husband, if he doesn’t get his milk immediately he becomes inconsolable. We’ve never known him to wake up happy.

He refuses to go in the pushchair, refuses to walk, refuses to go in a highchair, and will just climb out, it’s got to the point that unless he’s in a good mood I cannot even nip to the shops.

His speech is delayed, the health visitor says he’s within normal for his age although I know he’s behind his peers. Nursery contradict this and I’m sure have me down as someone who just sits him in front of the tv and ignores him.

He doesn’t show signs of anything and plays beautifully when he’s in a good mood, he’s loving, clever, will play nicely alongside other children, he’s fantastic, but I feel like his tantrums are more than just normal toddler tantrums. It’s taking over our whole life. I don’t get 5 minutes to even speak to my other children or my husband because the youngest is screaming.

Just at a loss what to do, will he ever grow out of it?

Have you taken him to the doctors regarding his sleeping? Leaving it 2.5 years is a long time to be seeking help.

No I haven’t taken him to the doctors about his sleeping. As he a healthy growing little boy or always assumed him to just be a poor sleeper.

I mean he’s sleep on one of us or in our bed, he sleeps but only if one of us lies down with him.

You've never raised any of this with a HV etc?

Yes of course I have spoken to the health visitor. See the bit where I said the health visitor said his speech is within normal.

I’m after support not criticism on what I should have done.

Every time I have mentioned his behaviour to any medical professional all they’ve said is how all children are different, he seems fine etc.

I think you should go back to your GP or HV and say you are concerned about his tantrums and his need for control.

It might be that you have a very high needs/high strung demanding child though - especially if his behaviour is fine with peers/siblings. I actually knew a child like the one you are describing - second child of close friends. Boy was she brutal. She never stopped crying, was miserably unhappy quite a lot and throwing tantrums. Their first child was a dream baby so they were in shock most of her early years. She is 18 now, just started at Harvard and is the nicest kid.

If it is just his personality/luck of the draw, then I think you should look for some parenting books about parenting the high needs child and maybe do a parenting course to get you through this (because it sounds exhausting). at the moment he sounds like he is ruling the roost which isn't good for him or you.

He is ruling the roost. But this is why I’m worried about going to someone and saying that outright.

They’ll just have me down as a crap parent which I’m not.

I’m always really calm and patient with him and I try to be very firm, and I’m not afraid to say no or ignore a tantrum, but some things are impossible. I cannot physically make him stay in his pushchair if he doesn’t want to and he gets himself in such a state he’ll throw up.

What happens if you just ignor his tantrums? With the wrong banana for exampe i just say it's that or nothing and leave it at that and carry on with whatever we we doing. If banana gets launched or whatever it's binned. Just keep your boundaries clear. It's this banana or no banana. We are going out or I'm going without you. Just be clear and firm if you arnt already.

with sleep he obviously can sleep as he does with you so maybe just accept co sleeping for the next few years until he's of an age when you can bribe and or reason with him to go back to his own room? Most kids don't co sleep when they are older!

I think you should stop worrying about whether someone thinks you are a crap parent or not. That isn't the issue. And most people who have children or who work with children have seen it all and know how tough kids can be.

The issue is your child is very dominant and you aren't happy with this for him or you or your home/family. So explain this to your HV. I'd also have a frank discussion with nursery about how you find him very wilful and ask them for how they get him to behave.

I don't mean this as a criticism but you seem very very defensive about your parenting (the comment about nursery thinking you just plonk him in front of the tv for example). You need to get over that and realise sometimes parenting is hard and you need help - even when you are being a great parent as I'm sure you are.

This sounds really hard
I’d go back to the GP. I can see your concern about what they may think but it’s more important to get this looked into properly so you can support your child.
Mind it could just be his personality... in which case it might get easier once he talks.
Could you ask for help for that in the first instance?

I know several kids who are quite obstructive, angry and demanding - two of them have been that way since birth. And through no fault of their parenting (both sets of parents are lovely, firm, fair and have other kids who are much happier and more settled).

What are your fears OP? What do you think could be wrong? Do you have a mental list of potential causes?

If I ignore the tantrum, which I usually do. He jut goes on and and screaming for up to an hour, or follows me around screaming and tugging at my legs. I ignore him but the noise drives me insane. In the end he’ll either be sick or exhaust himself so much he ends up sitting whimpering and gasping for breath.

Things like him refusing to go in pushchair are more tricky.

Don’t mean to sound defensive it’s just whenever I’ve raised any of these things with anyone I get bog standard text book answers that seem obvious to anyone.

Like nursery have advised me to read books with him, get him to say words and turn the tv off. These are things I’ve always done anyway.

When he was younger the advice was always to let him cry for a bit if I needed to eat or see to my other children, not to spoil him by holding him all the time, don’t make a rod for my own back with the co sleeping. It’s not as though I didn’t understand any of that, my other children have never slept in our bed unless they were ill. But when you’ve had no sleep at all for months, way past the night feeds, you will try anything.

I would definitely visit your GP and explain everything again using examples. Write it all down for them too so they can leave it in their notes. Ask for referral on to specialists who can perform assessments.

There could be a hundred different reasons why he behaves this way or it could be completely normal but either way you need to rule out some things. My friends son has a hypersensitivity disorder and can tantrum like you wouldn't believe but it's because he's stressed in whatever circumstances are happening at that time.
She found a weighted blanket helped him at night so might be worth looking into.

I hope you get the help you need. Keep pushing. Keep a diary. Note everything down such as appointments/people you asked for help and when and what they said. If you have the funds look into private help as the NHS is super stretched in these areas already and waiting lists are horribly long.

Best of luck xx

My son was also speech delayed. It's a very serious problem because it means that he'll be language delayed as well. Check his speech against the standards here:

www.asha.org/public/speech/development/23/

Once my son was diagnosed we received early intervention from the schools. They sent a speech therapist to our home twice a week to work with him, which was a big help. He was our first child and we didn't really know what to expect. Our pediatrician was the first to notice it and she was able to help us get into the early intervention program.

I urge you to ignore the health visitor and get this looked into by a qualified professional. Even with the early help my son struggled with productive language issues for years, and still does to some extent as a teenager.

It doesn't mean he's dumb. It just means that the parts of his brain that deal with productive and receptive language are developing more slowly than they should and that they need additional stimulation and focus. My son has done very well in high school and is off to uni next year with a very bright future, but I don't think he's be in such good shape if we hadn't sorted out his language issues early.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I hope they listen to you and look into things.
But from personal experience; document everything. Brace yourself years of keeping diaries, making lists, GP visits and persistence before one day one of the experts turns round and tells you something you already told them.

OP I honestly could write your post word for word. You have described my second ds almost identically. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about those tantrums. I have an older child who, although can be tricky was nothing like my ds2, I could count on my hand how many tantrums he had.
We had these epic tantrums everyday for around 18 months, I went to different health professionals who seemed unconcerned and I did think he had a slight speech delay. All I can say is there is hope as around two months after he turned three he seemed to become much easier, obviously he still is quite difficult but nothing like how it was before. I totally relate to those tantrums where they are extremely difficult to ignore. What we also did which may or may not have helped (a huge part of me thinks he just snapped out of it himself) is every time he threw an epic tantrum we put him in his room to calm down. This way nothing was feeding the flame and it gave me or my dh a chance to take a few deep breaths. We also had huge issues with sleep for around 2 1/2 years

Oh Op, it soudns exhausting.

Please don't worry about seeking help. Many parents of children with special needs do find they have to shout very loudly to get heard, especially at the beginning. You need to get a thick skin and insist on a referal to a paediatrician.

I suggest you get someone to video one of his tantrums, and you handling it, for evidenc eot show the pade. Write a simple list of issues of concern, and hand it to them, so they can see all the issues in one place.

I am reluctant to suggest stuff, as I gues syou have tried everything, but one suggestion, children with ASD for example don't have tantrums because they are being awkward or naughty, it is more like a panic attack. They expected X and got Y and they don't know how to cope and go into full panic mode. Panic attacks need calm and reassurance and maybe massive hug so they can feel you are in control, not them. It is scary thinking you are in control.

Children whose language is late often benefit from learning some simple signs, so they don't get sp frustrated. You just use the sign alongside the word, and watch carefully for them attempting the same.

last thing - you said something about when you get in, but where is he during the day?

@BringbackBrookside I don't think you're defensive at all. Gosh you must be so drained with this. I cannot imagine having this scenario to look forward to every minting when I woke up😕. I agree with keeping a diary because to be heard, you'll need evidence. When my son was assessed for Autism at 18, they kept asking me questions related form birth to teens so I wished I'd kept a diary. Anyway good luck and make yourself heard. 💐

*morning!

Sorry posted too soon there!
Re. the sleep thing in our case we cut out gluten and we saw a huge improvement but he was crying a lot a night rather than wanting to sleep beside us.
I really hope that you get some help OP. It is so, so hard. I felt too that people just didn't understand or couldn't.. I had my own dsis say "do you think he is a bit spoilt". Both me and my dh are firm and loving, we spend buckets of time with all of our kids and the other two are the most placid, easy-going kids you will meet. We love our ds with all our hearts but the last 3 years have been hugely stressful and felt like it affected everyone's mood.
I think it is a good idea to reach out for help especially if you feel something isn't quite OK. It could well be just a personality thing. Best of luck with it

He’s already been referred for speech therapy but there’s a long waiting list even to be assessed. It was his nursery key worker who said that all they’ll do at speech therapy is what I should be doing at home anyway.

He goes to nursery twice a week when I’m at work and when we get home the slightest thing sets him off.

Could be something. Mine was like that and turns out to have autism. It took a long, long horrid time before anyone else would admit that there was something wrong, and what a relief when they finally confirmed it wasn't just my imagination.

The interesting thing was the developmental pediatrician said to me then, that she thinks doctors should listen more, because most parents think the sun rises and sets in their DC and will not say something is off when it isn't, and that especially parents like you (and me) with older children do have a sense of what's not normal.

Now don't panic, it could just be you have a very high-strung child. But if you're really worried, if you can afford it, search around for a private educational psychologist and ask them to take a look. I had to get diagnoses out of an ed psych and a developmental pediatrican privately before I could get the NHS to take another look, and it did cost a fortune, but as I say, what a relief when people finally started admitting it was the child and not me who was different!

And btw, don't worry, no one is going to say you're a bad parent and take away your child. Really it's not that easy. But I do remember all the stupid advice I used to get from others: "Try feeding him, he may be hungry." Like no, I've been starving him for the past 2.5 years

a crap parent would not have noticed these difficulties. A crap parent would not be asking for help. You have two other children and you know that your parenting has been good enough for them.Persist.

Sounds exactly how my now 5 year old was as a toddler. He is getting a lot better but only in the last 6months or so. He has specific language impairment and has started p1 in a speech and language unit. The difference is unreal. Definately get back to your health visitor. We had to fight so much to get the help we finally are. He still doesnt sleep great and is up most days from 5am but we just go with it now

You need to get over what you assume people will think of you, if you don’t, you’ll never get anywhere. See a private behaviour specialist if it means avoiding the nhs or whoever you think it’ll be who write you off as a Crap parent.

Agreebiwth yoda a crap parent would t have tried lots of different strategies like you have. A crap parent wouldn’t be asking for help to keep going.

It’s utterly exhausting having a child who controls everything - even when you know it’s due to having different needs.

One of the things that stood out for me was his need for routine and things to remain the same - eg same person being his bottle. Also that even when ignored he’ll be unable to self soothe and hasn’t been able to learn that no amount of screaming will get what he wants. Those things show extra needs.

Practice things could be a visual timetable. Take pictures of his routine and laminate them. So milk, play, breakfast, dressed etc. Have one for each day so different days (work/nursery) (school/shop) are clear from the start when he wakes up. Sometimes if they know they have control it takes away the panic they have which causes the need to seek control iyswim?

With regards speech the nursery sound unhelpful. The therapists will suggest things you can do at home but if they were simple things we did naturally as parents what you’re doing would be working!
Again you can use picture cards (drink/biscuit/toy etc). He can use those to request what he needs which will help him communicate.

It’s also helpful to give choices - but rather than “this banana or that one” which can cause the panic try “do you want this banana first or this drink first”. “Shall we put your coat or shoes on first”. (Have a look at pda strategies - they are very useful for anxious children who need to avoid demands because they are overwhelming)

But mostly I agree with seeing the GP. Keep a diary. What happens before the tantrum, what behaviour does he display, the consequences of this (not that you punished him!) - more ignored, screamed for an hour and was sick etc and what you think he may be communicating. Show in black and white the usual techniques don’t work and ask that’s refer to a developmental paediatrician to look at the bigger picture.