To be sad at my DD's friend making her cry yesterday?

[Mittens1969]

Yesterday I arrived at school to pick my DDs up. DD2 (5, year 1) was in floods of tears when she came out. She told me that one of her friends told the teacher that she had pushed her into a wall. This girl told me that too. DD2 denied it and was desperately upset at being accused of this. It wasn’t the first time but it never upset her so much before.

Anyway, the friend’s mum had a talk with her and she did apologise for the accusation. Her mum said that she didn’t want to hear anything more about fallings out between them, either they remained friends or they didn’t. The friend insisted that she did want to remain friends with DD2, but DD2 didn’t want to, she said.

They’re in a group of 4 girls who play together a lot, including DD2’s best friend. DD2 has had play dates with her at her house; she hasn’t been to ours as she hates being away from her mum, she’s always in tears when her mum leaves her at school and can’t cope with parties.

I do recall that DD2 complained about this girl following her around last year, when she wanted to play with other friends.

It just makes my DD so upset when this girl accuses her of things, and tells the teacher. I think DD2 is more boisterous, I have seen it when she plays with her best friend, she puts her arms around her and squeezes her affectionately; the best friend doesn’t mind it, they hug each other a lot. I’ve spoken to her and explained that not everyone likes it and she needs to tone it down.

Hopefully they’ll have a better day, and this will blow over. Or should we both say that they shouldn’t play together anymore? I really don’t want to see DD2 as upset as she was yesterday, it was heartbreaking.

I think that you need to toughen up. It’s really a non-issue between young children.

You’re overreacting and trust me when I say you’re doing yourself (and your dd) no favours!

I’m afraid to tell you you have years of silliness and non issues like this. You are overthinking and getting too involved.
Just give her a cuddle when she cries and tell her tomorrow is a new day. Getting over invested in the day in day out low level squabbles won’t do her any favours.
I do sympathise though. I’ve been where you are and it feels awful. Experience has taught me well.

I encouraged her to toughen up. It’s the first time I’ve seen her this upset. So I didn’t show my upset in front of her. The other girl’s mum was the one who suggested they stopped playing together not me.

That’s how parents fall out with each other and the children are best mates the next day making massive problems.

At that age it’s really not a good idea to suggest who they should and shouldn’t play with. I’d go as far as to say, “If someone makes you sad today, play with someone else for a bit” That’s it.

Honestly, just leave it alone! Unless it happens regularly, it’s just one of those things.

I think you’re all right. It’s not the first time they’ve clashed, it’s just that on this occasion DD2 got very upset. Hopefully it will blow over, like it did before.

This will go on for YEARS! It's what kids do, it's how they learn about social interactions and friendships and hurt and disappointment, and stuff.

Best to be there for her, acknowledge her feelings and allow her to get on with it all in her own way.

We've been here.... I suggested if this girl made her sad then why doesnt she play with someone else tomorrow "but muuuuum I reaaaaaalllllly want to play with her"

There is a group in my dd class who are all lovely but being a group of very headstrong girls they do clash. They do "tell tale" and fall out over silly things, "Ethel said she didn't like my coat so I told the teacher", "Martha didnt sit next to me at dinner", "Gertie doesnt want to be my best friend",
its just one of these things. If you find a magic cure then please share x x

I encouraged her to toughen up

I think the advice is that YOU toughen up rather than her. She is 5. This is a very very trivial issue.

Anyway, the friend’s mum had a talk with her and she did apologise for the accusation.

Why?

Was the accusation definitely untrue?

Oh gawd tell me about it. DD has a "friend" who she likes, but also constantly moans about. I have seen with my own eyes the power-play crap that this friend comes out with "If you don't give me your shopkin I'll tell the teacher you did XYZ" and several of her other friends so similar. And maybe my DD does too - I'd like to believe she didn't, but children experiment with different methods of getting their own way and jostling for their place in the pecking order. Gradually they realise (ideally) how to compromise and what kinds of behaviour make them unpopular.

I don't like it, but I try to stay matter-of-fact about it. I keep an eye for anything that sounds like bullying or ganging up, but mainly it's petty and they still want to be friends.

When DD describes this stuff to me I generally say something like "Oh how annoying, if she carries on like that she'll soon realise people don't like it". I'll listen and acknowledge but don't act like it's a terrible drama IYSWIM.

Fair enough, yes I get it. It was actually a lot worse with DD1 (now 8, year 4), as she really didn’t have any friends and was regularly pushed out by the other girls in the class, though things are improving for her now.

The frustrating thing was trying to work out what happened and that’s a constant thing between DD2 and this girl, but the teachers didn’t see. But I realise we won’t ever get the full picture if the teachers didn’t!

If only we could be flies on the wall lol??

As I said, I don’t know, WorraLiberty, I wouldn’t put it past DD2 to push, definitely. I think something must have happened. But normally when I ask her what happened she tells me, says about it being an ‘accident’. This time she said definitely nothing.

I really don’t know.

Her mum said that she didn’t want to hear anything more about fallings out between them, either they remained friends or they didn’t.

I think this may have been aimed at you OP. Bullying is one thing but I certainly don't want to discuss every minor altercation between two small children. Go talk to the teacher if you are really concerned, otherwise console your dd and encourage her to play with other children when she's had a minor falling out.

At 5 either girl could be telling the truth. Maybe your daughter did push her. Just because other girl has form for 'accusations' doesn't mean a jot!

If your DD is overly upset you need to tell her to stop playing with the girl and speak up clearly when she is blamed wrongly.

You need to understand that this little fracas is probably one of ten that happen to your daughter daily so you need to develop a thicker skin.

No, I haven’t talked to her about it. It was addressed to the other girl not me. She complains to her mum same as DD2 complains to me.

Yes I know she might be telling the truth, I know that my daughter isn’t always innocent. As I said, I don’t know.

Oh FgS!! Children squabble. Will you post a thread every time thinks happens? It’s really a non event. You need to stop taking it all so seriously OP. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of upset and bad feeling if you don’t.

Sorry OP sounds like typical girls behaviour. You ve got a lot more to come. Mine are now in their 20s but I remember my ds had more or less the same friendship group right through school /teens whereas my dd was best friends with someone one term and hated her the next! And in her teens she changed friends all the time. Made some mistakes but survived! I just listened, advised but let her get on with it. It's actually better at secondary school, you don't really see all the other parents so you're not drawn into it. Good luck, hope you both feel better soon 😊

Thanks for that, Snorkmaiden68. What actually happened was that I made a swift exit with DD2, with an embarrassed apology to the other girl’s mum. She was then waiting for us with her DD when we crossed the road after leaving the school grounds. It was then that her daughter apologised and the mum made the speech about either being friends or not.

She then texted a couple of hours to ask about DD2 and to ask what had happened as she couldn’t get a sensible answer from her DD. So it remains a mystery.