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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Presents AIBU?

35 replies

Fibbertigibbet · 22/11/2017 11:14

Fully prepared to be told IABU or a CF!

Right, a bit of background for this. I am married, and have one brother who is 22 and not in a long term relationship. My husband has one brother, also married. Both of us have had tumultuous relationships with our brothers which we are currently working through but things can still be a little bit sticky. DH and I are not doing very well financially this Christmas season, neither is my DB, and so my DM has suggested the whole family only buy gifts to a total of £20 per person. Sounds great to me, that is a workable budget. DB is less keen because he really likes Christmas and spending money, but has tentatively agreed.

Now for my AIBU. Today I got a message from my DM asking if we were buying DB two gifts (one from each of us) or just one, and said that if we were buying only one my brother might resent having to buy two gifts, one for me and one for DH. I said we were planning on buying one, as DB is one person, and that we are two people- if he was in a long term relationship, we would buy two gifts, one for him and one for his partner, just as we do for DBIL and DSIL. DM then pointed out that we are two people, so therefore by that logic we should buy two gifts. This has never been an issue before, because normally we would buy my brother a few gifts from both of us because we spend more money on Christmas, and my brother would buy us one gift each.

I can kind of see her point, but extrapolating from that, do we need to now buy two gifts for everyone because there are two of us? Am I being a CF thinking one gift is enough?

OP posts:
Justbookedasummmerholiday · 22/11/2017 11:16

Buy a 'housey' gift that covers both!!
Your dm is a cf telling you what to do!!

19lottie82 · 22/11/2017 11:16

You’re a couple, sending 2 separate gifts would be weird. One is fine.

Rosa · 22/11/2017 11:17

No you are right one gift from you and dh together . When my sister got married and I was single I got one gift from them ...It is normal !! Or I think it is !

BarbarianMum · 22/11/2017 11:17

One gift is enoughbut it is gine for him to buy 2 £10 gifts for you.

BarbarianMum · 22/11/2017 11:17

Was that even English? Blush

cheeseandbiscuitsplease1 · 22/11/2017 11:18

If I was your DB I would buy you and your DH a joint present.

NegansBitch · 22/11/2017 11:20

1 person1 gift!

I had 2 children my sil had none ..... she bought 4 presents we bought 2. Now we still have 2 dc but sil has 3dc. She still bbuys 4 presents and we buy 5....ONE FOR EACH PERSON. It's simple. If he doesn't like it tell him you have decided to not buy anything at all.

peachgreen · 22/11/2017 11:20

I would buy one gift but double the budget. Though in my family we moved away from this and just started doing higher value Secret Santa, which works better.

NegansBitch · 22/11/2017 11:21

Or of course a joint present for you both.

shutitandtidyupgitface · 22/11/2017 11:22

He can get you a joint present if he wants.

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/11/2017 11:54

I would also suggest a Secret Santa, then everyone also only buys one, more expensive gift.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/11/2017 12:00

In a situation like that, where you and your husband would each get a present, then you should each give a present.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2017 12:00

Id say tthebudget per family to family is 20. So he gets a 20 present from your and DH. He buys either a 10 gift for you each PR a joint gift of 20.

He shouldn't have to fork out 40 because he is single and you only 20

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 22/11/2017 12:04

I’d say tell your brother to buy you a joint present as a couple, or a £10 gift each, If the problem is about feeling a bit unequal, I’m not saying this is you OP, but I know it can feel a bit lopsided to be the only single one so when you get gifts the couples count as units but when you give them they’re individuals - is that what your mum is getting at? Again not saying you do this at all.

KC225 · 22/11/2017 12:34

I agree with the one present from you and he gives a joint present or spends 10.00 each.

We swap gifts with my single parent friend. She usually buys a family game for me DH and two kids . I buy for her son and a gift for her.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 22/11/2017 12:40

So you're treated as two people for gift receiving but one for gift giving?

WitchesHatRim · 22/11/2017 12:43

If I was your DB I would buy you and your DH a joint present.

Me to.

TalkinBoutWhat · 22/11/2017 12:44

I think your DM is right. It's a bit cheap to buy one gift from the pair of you, but expect him to buy you a gift each.

If you buy for those who have partners, then that is two gifts, effectively one from each of you.

If you are only buying for you DB who has no partner, then either buy 2 gifts, or buy a more expensive single gift. I think that would be fair. Then each sibling costs the same.

gamerchick · 22/11/2017 12:46

Maybe a secret Santa?

That set up is a bit alien to me. I don’t get on with my brothers so we get each other fuck all. You don’t even have to see these people if you don’t want to.

Newtothis2017 · 22/11/2017 12:48

I agree with kc225.

Either you are a couple and give and receive one present or you are 2 people giving a present each or receiving a present each. I would also same the same about you dm. Are you giving as a couple and receiving individually???

BaldricksTrousers · 22/11/2017 12:49

This minefield is why we don't do adult gifts in the family anymore. It's such ridiculous faff for stuff that nobody usually wants or needs. Obviously every family is different but Christmas is stressful enough without playing these types of games...

AlexsMum89 · 22/11/2017 12:56

Like most people have said, the logical thing here would be that you spend £20 on him, and he spends £20 on you jointly, either as a couple of £10 each.
I think it's really sad though that your DM thinks he may be resentful and has thought into it in so much detail. It doesn't really matter a great deal, surely? I don't think most people compare the value of gifts that they've given/received as it's about doing something nice for the other person not profiting or getting your money back...

Novemberblues · 22/11/2017 14:09

Doesn't all this suck the joy out of it all, I just can't get over these stories. Grin if anyone ever whispered this sort of thing to me, that's it no presents at all!!

I would buy what I thought you and your dh might like. I got separate gifts for db and his wife but that's because I saw things each wood like I could have easily got a joint gift. I would just say no to giving or receiving gifts in this scenario and I would not spend Xmas around such people.

Novemberblues · 22/11/2017 14:11

I think it should be a good rule don't buy for people you genuinely don't want too.
I have spoiled a few people this year I could never normally spoil... Including dh, some years I can't afford to get him anything, when I can I do. I never think about what I get in return, ever!much nicer way to think!

MaryShelley1818 · 22/11/2017 14:21

I would let your DM know if it's a problem to just tell him to split the budget between you, single people do end up paying a huge amount more at Christmas usually.

For years I bought for my sister, her husband and all 3 children which used to be money I really struggled to afford, thankfully I'm now no contact with sister (after many years of abuse from her) but still buy presents for my parents to pass on for the children.

My DPs lovely sister buys for me and DP, and this year will also be our baby (due in 12 days), she's kind and generous and won't think twice about it but I've bought her a few extra little things and a present from the baby too.

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