AIBU to ask what is acceptable regarding 4 year olds hitting other children and how schools deal with it?

[soberexpat]

DD started school in September. She’s 4- we live overseas and they start young here. We looked at a few schools and really liked the one we chose. They settled the children in with sessions before term started and DD took to it like a duck to water and is really happy: so far so good.

About one month in she told me that a boy in her class (let’s call him Simon) had been pushing her. she had bruises on her legs from falling. I mentioned this to her teacher at drop off and they said they would keep an eye on the situation: Simon did sometimes push when playing outside but they didn’t think it was a problem.

DD said the teacher makes him say sorry each time he pushes her.

The week after this the school called me at work to say that I needed to collect DD. She had been hit in the face by a sharp piece of LEGO and had split her lip. The child who hit her was Simon. She was very quiet when I collected her with a large cut on her lip which was very swollen and which crusted over during the weekend and was really sore.

We asked the school what their process was in this situation and They told us that they speak to both children’s parents and that they would again keep an eye on the situation.

Today the school called me and said there was an ‘incident’ where DD had been kicked in class, but that it was an accident and that she was ok. When I got home DD Told me that Simon had kicked her, and that he had been removed from class and put with another class ‘as he was being naughty.”

The teacher didn’t tell me that it was Simon, or that he had been removed.

I don’t want to make a maintain out of a molehill or label children at 4 years old, but as there is a pattern of behavior here I’m starting to get concerned. If Simon is pushing, hitting and kicking now, what Next?

DD is a very calm; quiet, sweet child and I really don’t want her to be a target.

So, am I being a precious snowflake about this? Is this normal rough and tumble at school? What do schools usually do in this situation? I live overseas and DD is our first child so I have no frame of reference.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. I would absolutely request an immediate meeting with the school and ask them what plans they are going to put in place to protect your daughter.
Not good enough from school at all!

Sounds very upsetting. I’m not minimising this, just wondering what would you like the school to do ? Why would make you feel they had done something to address this?
Approach them and suggest it.

Why not why

What ...

It's not acceptable at all but it does happen. If it's happening this regularly with the same child then either 'Simon' is victimising your child or regularly hitting lots of children. Either way Simon probably has some kind of problems be that a neurological issue, poor upbringing or both and needs more supervision than he's getting.

I think I would write a list of all the incidents and ask for a chat about your concerns and ask what their suggestions are to help your daughter. Then ask for a meeting in a couple of weeks to see how things are going.

Things you cant expect are for the school to talk about another child. They wont tell you why Simon is doing this, or what strategies they have in place to manage him. He could be a very naughty boy, he could have a bad home life, he could have special needs that are yet to be diagnosed.

Yes they're not going to tell you specifics about Simon. But you're entitled to know that they are going to do to protect your dd. Continuing to just 'keep an eye on things' isn't working.

They are definitely not allowed to tell you who the child is or how they are dealing with the child.

What you can ask I'd how are they going to keep dd safe. Unfortunately lots of behavioural problems appear in the first year of school - kids not used to environment of school, possible asd/adhd conditions, kids with development delay and tbh some kids who just are not socially adept

Thanks all this is really helpful. Can I ask why they are not allowed to tell me that Simon was the one who kicked DD yesterday? Seems a bit strange as she is going to tell me straight away. And given his history I feel like we should know if the same child is consistently hitting and hurting mine.

To the poster who asked what I want them to do...I’m not entirely sure which is why I asked here I suppose.

I want them to keep my DD safe from harm for starters and I’d like to feel they are doing something more proactive than just ‘keeping an eye’ on things, as this is clearly not working.

What will they be doing regarding simon’s parents? I’d be mortified if this was my child and doing everything I could to stop their aggressive behavior.

Update: I emailed the school last night and this morning at drop off the head of the junior year took me to one side to chat.

She more or less said Kids will be Kids, they are little, it wasn’t intentional and if anything else happens then they will take steps to hangs things. That she can’t promise that hitting will not happen again.

I think I feel worse! So I have to wait until they call me AGAIN to tell me that he’s hurt her...and how serious does it have to be; a broken arm? A pencil in her eye?

I know they are little and I really like the school but I am struggling to accept that my child could be harmed each time she goes to school. This was far from my experience as a child.

THey are going to set up a meeting with us and another senior teacher for tomorrow or next week, in all honesty I don’t know what this will achieve.

Am I asking too much for my DD to be safe and do I really just have to accept that she’s going to get walloped every few weeks? Tell me straight if so; please.

Any more insights most welcome, thanks all.

Tbf I doubt that it will get worse, most likely it will get better as 'simon' gets older and more mature (and possibly gets some kind of behavioural therapy or something). Unless it escalates to actually being dangerous to other children I don't see what you really expect from the school. I wouldn't really be concerned about any of this (but to be fair my children manage to acquire such injuries all on their own).

Oh OP your poor DD it’s crap when they’re treated like this.

Now I’m only speaking from experience of a child in my 4yo DD’s class who I know has hit and scratched other children (not DD luckily). I was speaking to the mum of one of the girls he’s picking on who asked for something to be done. What they said was that our Simon equivalent is also a child, there could be a number of complex issues as to why he behaves this way and first steps are to approach this delicately and proactively. There is a behaviour chart for the class, but he was always at the bottom so its clearly not working for him and he’s now been given his own system to work to. Which is apparently much better for him and he’s coming out ‘good’ more often. The 2 teaching assistants are concentrating specifically on keeping an eye on him, teaching him patience, correcting behaviour etc. And they have a long-term plan as sadly these problems don’t go away overnight.

The message to the other Mum was - be patient, we will fix it and in the meantime continue to tell us how her DD is feeling about it all. The TAs working closely with the boy is helping and last week he got star of the week for going a whole week without misbehaving.

Do you trust in the teachers and that they’ll sort it? Or are you unsure?

I think it's a bit worrying that he is hitting her hard enough for her to need to be collected from school with a swollen, split lip and that he's bruising her. He sounds quite violent and like he needs constant supervision to keep the others safe rather than them saying kids will be kids.

Do you trust in the teachers and that they’ll sort it? Or are you unsure?

i really like the school and the teachers. BUT this has been going on for a couple of months now and i don't feel like i want to 'wait and see' any more. how bad does it have to get before i get better assurances?

somehow i survived my entire primary school never getting shoved, kicked, or my lip split.

going in to see the head teacher next week....

I think the teachers wouldn't have been able to promise you that there would never be another incident but it sounds like they will keep a close eye.
I don't think there is a school in the world that could promise you that in relation to four year olds..
I'd do role play with her at home with what to do if any child starts on her. Practicing a loud No. please stop that etc.

Kids will be kids and hitting/kicking etc is likely to happen along the way HOWEVER I would want to know if ‘Simon’ was like this towards other children or if it’s specifically your DD. If it’s just against DD then it’s bullying. If it’s against everyone then it’s more of a behavioural thing than a bullying thing and I suppose they would probably deal with him differently depending on what one it is