I don't love my DP anymore

[ringringgoaway]

Been together for 10 years. Various ups and downs. This past year has been our worst. I have him an ultimatum last year and he’s made an effort to change (the biggest was admitting and then overcoming a gambling addiction). The other things though- his moodiness, constant whining about lack of sex, speaking horribly to me and undermining me in front of DC have been a bit better but still a regular occurance. I feel guilty because he’s has tried but it’s not enough for me. We don’t have anything in common, I flinch if he touches me, we both just sit on our phones every night and then he moans when I don’t want to have sex when we go up to bed. I want it to get better and it would make sense for us to stay together but in all honestly- I don’t love him like that anymore. I care for him but I can’t make myself love him again. I just can’t. Fe like shit because I’m being purposely ‘off’ with him in the hope he will end things. No idea what to do.

Don't purposely be off in the hope of that. I suggest a trial split (full clean break, no texting/phoning) and see where you're at in x months time.

@MissionItsPossible I’ve suggested that in the past (within the last year) and he refused. He went out from 7am Saturday until 3am Sunday over the weekend and I was honestly so happy. I took the DC out and had a lovely day and I spent the evening relaxing in the bath and watching tv. No one else to worry about. It was bliss. I just feel awful for feeling like this.

Has it always been this way? If so I'd move on. If not, I'd figure out if it can be salvaged if you want to get back to at least some of how it once was. Of course if he refuses to really work at it it sounds like it's over.

Well, you shouldn't feel awful, you can't help how you feel.

If he doesn't agree to a break and you honestly can't go on anymore, then disregard his refusal and divorce.

I understand I'm not invested emotionally and it's easy for me to say something like that not knowing you or your situation but you sound very unhappy. Don't you deserve to be happy? And doesn't he?

Tell him it's over OP. Not tonight (night time breakups never work from what I've seen). But tomorrow morning, tell him, and that he needs to find somewhere to stay for a few days until you can sort out who stays where/does what. The answer of 'I'm done...' can't be argued and is generally the best way to finish the discussion (because it's not up for discussion).

The problem is that now that I’ve distanced myself from him and been ‘off’ it will be my fault. I’ve actually suspected that he’s been gambling again and checked his online banking (he knows I have these details and encouraged me to ‘check’ in on it occasionally as he ‘has nothing to hide anymore’) £150 has been taken in the last 2 days. He’s been at work for both of these days so shouldn’t have needed to spend anything. Both transactions on the same day from the same link machine where he is charged to take money out. I don’t even want to confront him. There will be some sort of an excuse and I’m tired of it. I’m trusting my gut that he’s been back gambling again.

I can only assume that he’s gambling at the service stations again. I’m not going to confront him and keep an eye on his bank account over the next few days (he told me to after all)

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for his shortcomings, and end it asap. You are under no obligations to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in, and he does not sound like he has many redeeming features.

Don't feel guilty. Relationships break down for lots of reasons but in your case he's driven you to the end of your tether. You can't trust him and never will. My ex was addicted to cheating. I tried to make it work for years but in the end, when you're done, you're done. Make your plan. I had to look at tax-credit and family allowance as I didn't get them when I was married. Get yourself prepared emotionally, then calmly tell him you're done. I haven't looked back. The hardest thing was telling him, despite my worries about everything else, it seemed to just fall into place.

I just feel like I’ve wasted 10 years of my life.

So please don’t waste another 10 years. Do yourself a favour and end it.

Imagine wasting another 1, 2 or 3 or even another 10 of them.

Don't waste another 10 years.

I'm in a similar situation to you. My dp is a gambler. He has stolen from me several times (from my actual purse) but denies until he's blue in the face.

Twists it so that I feel like the bad one.

At the end of the day, if you aren't happy you need to get out. You only get one shot at life. And yeah I really need to take my own advice.

Don't feel like that. I was with my ex for 20 years and I'm that time he had 6 affairs, that I found out about (I didn't find out the extent until near the end. I'm not that much of a mug) I came out of it with 2 beautiful children. My life began again at the age of 43. Cynical old me who thought I'd never want another relationship met a wonderful man and we had a love at first sight thunderbolt (never believed in that shit..) 18 months on my life has changed so much and I'm so happy. I'm not saying you need another relationship. That's not the only reason I'm so happy, it's a small part of it. The feeling of breaking free from such a toxic relationship and years of unhappiness is the biggest high ever!

The upheaval, the unpicking of your lives, the emotional rollercoaster, all the things stopping you just ending it will still be there in 6 months, a year, 5 years except you will have wasted still more time. If you're at the point where you don't want to try anymore (and it sounds like you are) you're only prolonging the agony by not ending it.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I just don't think staying out of guilt or some sense of obligation is the right thing to do.

Hope you're feeling okay today OP. Please take the advice given upthread. You don't deserve this. Every day delaying this means another day of unhappiness. Stay strong.

I’m not ok. He’s messaged me saying he knows I’m not happy. I just can’t seem to say the words and tell him that I’m done. He isn’t the only one to blame in this though. We have no common interests anymore. We’ve lost all respect for each other and just live so unhappily.

I really don't think it matters who is to blame for what. If it's not working it's not working. Of course only you can decide that this isn't salvageable, but don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy of staying miserable for another 10 years for no other reason than you have already given him 10 years.

Forget blame. That's not an issue at the moment. You have DC who will be absorbing the unhappiness between you. if you can make a break, and it seems from your post that you are able to do that, then do it. Many are locked in to a relationship that they can't leave. If you can, then do.

OP Please leave. You are both miserable from the sounds of it yet still have enough time to live happy, fulfilling lives with other people. Don't hurt yourself or your children or your partner.