Who is B U here? I honestly don't know which way is up any more.

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

I have a 10 year old DS with my ex and a 2 year old and a 5 year old with my DH. DH and I have been together 7 years.

We live 20 mins from my ex and are supposed to share care 50/50, but in the whole time we've been split, he's never had DS the full number of nights he's supposed to have him. Maybe I can count on both hands the amount of months he's had DS and not cancelled at least one night.

Unfortunately my ex has form for cancelling contact with DS very last minute. Sometimes this has been a legitimate reason to do with work, but the majority of the time it's been to do with a new partner or just going out on the piss. He's had about three different 'serious' partners in the time we've been split - all of whom he's introduced to DS. He goes on frequent holidays (4 last year!) but has never once taken DS away with him in 8 years. In contrast, we have never been on holiday and NOT taken DS with us.

DH is fab with DS. Because DS spends most of his time here, we are like a tight family unit. DH works from home so does the nursery and childminder pick ups and drop offs for our two and I do the school run for DS, which is closer to where his dad lives, because it's on my way to work.

The only fly in the ointment is that DH and I keep having the same argument about how crap my ex is with always cancelling contact last minute and pissing off to another city where his new girlfriend lives on weekends he's supposed to have DS.

Because I work an hour's commute away and DH works at home, I rely a lot on DH to pick up DS from school and DH is starting to get annoyed because it's often on days that aren't our scheduled days with DS, which means he has to make a 45 min/hour round trip to do DS's school run most days.

I see it as DH helping me out, which is what partners and families should do. But DH sees it as me helping my ex out and then passing the 'favour' onto him to do for my ex.

I don't see what I can do. I can't force my ex to see DS. If DH doesn't step in and help then I'm forced to ask my ex MIL which I don't want to do.

AIBU or is DH? (I already know my ex is BU!)

I have to admit, a small part of me is a bit pleased when ex cancels because i like having DS home here with me. I think that pisses DH off too because he thinks I encourage/enable it.

It’s a tricky one but it’s you who needs to investigate altering your working hours so the burden of travelling doesn’t all fall on your DH. Your DS being there is all positive for you, but it makes work and encroaches on your DH’s own time, so I don’t think he’s unreasonable for being a bit pissed off about it.

Next time he cancels, reply with “you’ll have to arrange childcare for DS as it’s your contact time and DH and I have commitments we can’t break.”

If you go for this one, warn your ex beforehand that you and DH now cannot be available on those days.

How does all the uncertainty affect your DS?

Cross posted with you OP. Yes, in his position I’d be annoyed with you for agreeing to something that is all good for you, and places restrictions on me. It’s not easy to resolve though.

I think the problem here is less about inconvenience and your XP's flakiness, than about the fact that your DH is starting to see your DS as an inconvenience, rather than a little boy. It can't be much fun for the DS to be repeatedly let down by his own dad, and if he picks up on his stepdad's resentment, it may well make him miserable and give him the idea that he is a nuisance, and not wanted.
Have a talk with your H when your DS is not at home, ask him to work with you on finding a solution (one that does not involve 'forcing' your XP to step up as, guess what - there's no such thing.)But try to remind him, gently, that as the adults you two need to be the bigger people and consider the feelings of that little boy first.

DS 1 is in Year 6? Then it's only another 8 months until you can find a secondary school near you . It's not forever. I would definitely go back to Ex and say as he regularly fails to turn up and cancels last minute, he clearly cannot manage 50:50, so your DS needs a reliable schedule and propose one..
Keep a record of all the times he has cancelled, then you will be set up ready for a strong arguement for applying to secondary school near you as you are doing more than 50 :50 share.
I think.your DH has a point but can see yours too. There will be time to make this smoother for everyone within next year or two (if he's Yr5).

Neither of you are BU.
I have a similar situation and the way DH and i see it, is we are doing it for my dd not my ex.
And kids are not daft. In years to come your son will know who was always there without excuses etc.
Remind DH it's frustrating for you too but your son needs the suport/ continuity and he is not going to get it from his dad right now unfortunately.

I agree with others, I think it is unfair on your DH. You and your ex are using him.

How does DS feel when Dad cancels and where does he want to go?

Your ex's day, your ex's problem.

If he can't stick to his agreements, tell him you're stopping contact until the courts sort out designated times that he'll have to stick to.

I know its your ex's problem and in a way your dh is in the right, but what about the effect on ds when he's getting passed from pillar to post or possible forgotten if you/dh aren't there to pick up the slack.
Your ex sounds shite, but I think you need to overlook this for the sake of your ds.

Well you are enabling it by not tackling your ex about this and actually doing something about it - other than pile it all onto your dh's plate.

50/50 means no maintenance from ex, so he's not contributing in any way towards his child and you think this is acceptable?

• Change YOUR working hours/routine so you are doing the childcare/drop offs on ex's time
• Re-arrange the shared care and start claiming maintenance from the ex

It isn't fair to expect your dh to pick up the slack of both biological parents!

Sounds like the emergency cover DH has been providing is being taken for granted, buy both you and EX. It's not too surprising that DH isn't thrilled that your solution makes life easy for both you and EX, at his expense. And you are OK with that...think he ought to do it....

than about the fact that your DH is starting to see your DS as an inconvenience, rather than a little boy.

I found it inconvenient when my ex cancelled contact at short notice. Especially if it meant I had to bail out of work early because there was no-one to collect DCs. It is an inconvenience whether it is your child or step child.

try to remind him, gently, that as the adults you two need to be the bigger people and consider the feelings of that little boy first.

^^ This

Well if EX isn't doing his share he should be paying you more, It looks like he doesn't care much, he has never taken your poor DS on holiday.
But, I don't see why you have to step in to sort out Ds's school run on Ex's time, it's his responsibility.

As an aside Your son is 10, can't he get a bus at least some of the way ?

The reality is 50/50 isn't working. As your XP isn't actually doing it.

You have two options. Lay it on the line to your XP, he is responsible for arranging childcare for his DS on his days/nights. And stick to that. Or, tell him that you are changing the arrangement, legally if you need to, as he isn't keeping to the arrangement.

I'm assuming that there are financial implications too, and he is avoiding financial responsibilities too . Regardless of other arrangements, you and your DH are effectively providing free childcare for him.

I know it's your DS, and you are happy to have him at home, and I expect he prefers that. Take control of the situation then, and make that happen. Then you and your DH will be able to make proper plans/arrangements in advance for all the DC. Your DS will be in a more secure situation week to week, and your XH will be making the financial contribution towards his DS he deserves. The only person getting any benefit in this situation is your XH.

It sounds as if your ex needs to pay for after school care. And then you/your dh can pick your ds up later if he’s being flaky. Is there a certain day when this happens frequently?

I think you need to go back to Ex and make a shared care arrangement which he can actually fulfil, such as every other week, and he then starts paying maintenance.

It's all very well you being secretly pleased that DS is coming home rather than his dad's , but you're not actually there either.

Surely if it's Ex's contact day, then Ex forced into asking his mother for help- 50/50 shared care means equal responsibility. You and your DH have all the hassle of being the resident 'default' parent, but no associated benefits.

And most important of all, your son is being let down over and over again by his father when a better offer comes up. That's not fair, and it's in danger of knocking his confidence.

I'd change the arrangements formally so it isn't 50/50 anymore and so that the ex can't keep causing a problem for pick-ups. Set up a taxi or whatever's needed for your son.

I'd expect your dh to wind his neck in, cos it's very important your ds doesn't feel like an inconvenience.

I have to admit, a small part of me is a bit pleased when ex cancels because i like having DS home here with me. I think that pisses DH off too because he thinks I encourage/enable it.

So, that being the case (and fair enough), you need to change the arrangements, so that everyone knows where they stand.

It's a win-win, isn't it?

Ex obviously isn't that bothered about the time he gets, you and DH are able to make clear arrangements, you're not enabling a flakey ex to the annoyance of your DH, you get to see more of DS, DS gets a bit more stability - and he also still gets to regularly see his Dad.

I think he does have a point it, he is suppose to be working at home and is constantly asked to step in. I work from home and have arrangements in place it would annoying if they changed at the last minute.

I think the easiest way is to think of him as working not simply there to enable your ex to have fun and you to have your son where you want him

I can see why your DH is getting pissed off tbh and I don’t see it as he sees your DS as an iconvinience more that he’s hacked off that you won’t stand up to your ex and he’s left picking up the slack.

Would he mind helping out so much if contact was changed to 70/30 in your favour, for example? If no then YA the one who is BU.

I agree that 50/50 isn’t working. I think realistically once your DS starts Secondary school you will need to select a school close to your home and reduce contact if need be.

Also when your DS starts secondary school he will want to see his mates independently so not staying close to the majority of then will be a nightmare logistically.

Your DH is the one physically stepping in to pick up your ex's slack (not you), so I can totally see why he's annoyed.

Obviously this situation isn't sustainable, so something has to change, and the 50-50 arrangement seems like the obvious place to start.