To think that force feeding children is abuse?!

[InMemoryOfSleep]

DS (18 months) has gone off food lately, which I'm putting down to a combination of his age, teething, and the fact that he's been permanently ill since starting nursery! However I did a quick Google in case I was missing something, and came across a post on one of the other parenting websites, which had me absolutely

The Mum stated she held her child's cheeks to 'get the food in', which caused a meltdown (understandably). When I mentioned this to a mum friend she shrugged and said, 'well, whatever it takes sometimes'.

AIBU to think this is abusive, and to be utterly shocked that people still think this is an acceptable way to get your child to eat?!

Years ago my dd went through,some days she just wasn't hungry.I just made sure she had enough to drink and didn't offer alternatives or pudding.She wasn't being picky just not hungry.
She is now 14 with a teens appetite and eats everything.

Yanbu. I knew of a woman who would simply remove the meal and keep re-serving it either when the child said they were hungry or at the next meal time, until it was eaten. When it couldn't be reheated anymore the kids were given it cold. She saw no problem with this at all.

@PurpleMinnionMummy that makes me boak just thinking about it. I wonder what she would have replied if you asked her how she would like it if someone did that to her?

Totally. Someone I know was obsessed with making her baby eat. She was convinced he needed weaning at 12 weeks old because he was ‘so advanced’. She actually pinned him down at the age of about 4 months old and force fed him fruit purée while he screamed. She would breastfeed him and then when he cried she would give him a bottle which he’d refuse and she would say ‘he is a total nightmare’ when he was clearly full having just had a breastfeed. Having a Christmas meal when he was about 2/3 saying ‘I’m going to ring Santa and get him to take all your toys away if you don’t eat that dinner’ when he had already had food not long previously. Giving him breakfast at 11am then wondering why he didn’t eat much lunch not long after etc. So sad to watch. She has food issues herself though.

I wasa fussy eater as a child. I vividly recall the misery of staring at a plate of mince and tatties and being expected to eat it. ( turns out Im a vegetarian as I cant stand the taste, texture or look of meat)
But no one forced me to eat it.

My omniverous DH will eat almost everything bar steamed fish. He was in hospital as a child. A nurse held his nose and forced steamed fish into him. Gave him a life long horror of the stuff.

I always think a child that is unwell will eat what they need. Anything else will put them off for life. ( take a scunner as my granny used to say)

YNBU I bloody hate it. Also had to sit on my hands and bite my tongue (although my face said everything) when a friend was telling me about how DH wouldn't let their teenage DSD leave the table until they'd ate and finished their dinner for a good two hours while.

If you're not hungry you're not hungry. End of.

I understand how with children who'd refuse food can lead you to do things out of desperation or frustration, I know I've been there myself (DS has ASD- we've had days where he's point blank refused to eat breakfast - the same breakfast he asked for five minutes before).

Interestingly, I am now in my 30s, no amount of the force-feeding me of raisins and other yukky stuff whilst simultaneously telling me I should be grateful in my primary school years has made me develop a love for the same stuff in my adult years.

YANBU. But it is so stressful having a food refusing child that I can't really blame parents for anything they try in desperation.

It's a total myth that children won't starve themselves. When I was 3 I started refusing to eat. After 4 days of not eating anything at all, I was seriously ill and ended up being tube fed. There was no, 'wait until later and she'll eat till she's hungry.' I just (apparently, I don't actually remember this) said everything was 'disgusting' and that was that. My parents probably did try to force me. They were worried I was going to die!

My oldest daughter was/is a food refuser too. Not until a bit older (7ish) and very much about what is 'healthy' and not being fat rather than not eating any food at all but still incredibly stressful. Especially as I know it's fault because I am anorexic and, although I behave as normally as I can around the children, it must show a bit.

YANBU. I was in a cafe about a year ago and a woman force fed a toddler about 2 and a half a yogurt. She held him, forced his cheeks open and kept on shoving it in. He was massively in distress and screaming. It was awful and I think about it all the time. Her DP was telling her not to and she said 'if he doesn't have it he won't have had anything to eat today' it was only about 1pm.

I always think if she was willing to do that to him in public what on earth would she do in private

Encouraging to eat if they've eaten nothing is fair enough, but Physically forcing a child to eat is awful and just asking for issues later!

Stepdad force fed me when I was a kid - both physically and by giving me the same food for lunch, dinner, breakfasg the next day until I ate it (or often didn't, and did indeed go hungry).

For me it's resulted in a lifelong phobia of vegetables. Definitely not a good idea.

I have never done the forced feeding but i did prevent DD getting off from the table before eating more than a spoonful(because she would literally chew twice and say she’s full). I also bribed,cajoled and made up stupid games.

At her worst all she ate for two weeks was a bag of pombears and an icecream a day. To my horror she also decided all the foods she previously ate were a nono. She was never hungry. We had to reintroduce everything,even toast. I would’ve been so frikking happy if she accepted snacks or “crap food”. I actually cried the first time she had a happy meal and ate it.
Now she’s a fussy eater,but she eats. It took years though, of eating at the same time ,(nearly) everyday and she needed to eat.

@manicinsomniac I'm not sure it's fair to say it's a 'total myth' that children will starve themselves. The bottom line is they won't, except in extremely rare cases (like your own) where there is something else going on. I think the fear that they will undereat to the point of illness is what forces parents into desperate measures, so it's important to be really clear that it is very, very rare.

To the people saying that the kid would just spit it out - I can't speak for what a 2yo would do as I can't remember but by 3 I would have been too scared of my mother to have spit out food. Not that she ever force fed me but with other things like being hit, I was too scared to run away because it made her more angry. Sorry that's a bit dark but yeah, it's amazing what you can train a small kid to do if you don't give a stuff about how unhappy they are.

We’ve had all sorts of problems with our DD1 (8) with regards to eating, she is just so fussy!! She doesn’t like strawberries, jam, mushrooms, onions (even the tiniest sliver of onion will make her refuse a meal), and there are other things she veers between liking and not liking. It’s a b••••• nightmare at times!

DD2 (5) is less fussy but she nevertheless refuses to eat certain things, for example she won’t eat carrots.

And I have at times got very stressed about it in the past. I’ve cajoled, threatened with no pudding, kept her at the table for as long as it took for her to finish her meal. I now just put a small portion on her plate or just don’t give her certain things she refuses to eat. I have food issues, thanks to my DM, and I would hate that to be the case for DD1.

I was force fed things i didnt want to eat until I vomited out of my nose.
I am scared of vomiting now and panic.
I'm also a really fussy eater.
Yes. It's abusive.

I haven't force fed my children and I do think it's wrong to do that as it could cause ongoing food issues. And you really don't want to turn food into a power struggle. But, I can understand why some parents would be desperate enough to force feed. I agree with the past poster saying it's a myth that no child will starve themselves.
My twins have always been bad eaters and very, very small. They had failure to thrive as babies. They will happily not eat, they have never even tried to open the refrigerator once at nearly 4 years old. Food is just not important to them. It has been very stressful trying to get them to eat and stimulate their appetites. Luckily, I have seen diaticians and paediatricians and have had good advice. But, when your child is not gaining weight and you are being told they will have to be tube fed if they don't gain weight, you can feel desperate.

My DDs are both very skinny and yethave worried about having big tummies. Since she was 6 DD1 has refused to wear the official school cardigan with the logo, on the basis that it makes her arms look fat. (Most of the children wear plain red cardigans which she’s happy to wear.)

Well my DS was one that was starving himself. He had been very ill with tonsillitis, and simply stopped eating food. He drank milk, but after several weeks of being better and still refusing to eat, and with his weight plummeting I took the drastic step of force feeding 1 teaspoon of food at every meal time. It was just the one, and after that I left him to his milk.

It took 3 days of 1 teaspoon at every meal for him to realise that food no longer hurt and to eat on his own.

I hated doing it, but it was the lesser of two evils, because if he had to be hospitalised for it that would have been more traumatic than 1 teaspoon of food at mealtimes.

It’s not abusive, if done gently and a certain way.

I'm at my wits end with my 17m old with food at the moment (nibbling Apple, pear, corn on the cob. Everything else on the floor) and my friend suggested "gently forcing" him. I couldn't face doing that unless he was losing some serious weight. I also don't want to turn mealtimes into any more of battle than it already is.

UnicornRainbowColours I don't think 'force' and 'gentle' can be used together.

@FormerlyFrikadela01 we're in exactly the same boat at the minute, all the advice I've had has been to not sweat it, make as little fuss as possible. It's their age, they're learning what they have control over, and I've been assured it's a phase that will pass! Definitely don't go down the forcing route, it's not a game you will win, and it'll create more stress for all involved.

@UnicornRainbowColours I'd be interested to hear how you think forcing food into a child's mouth can be done 'gently'?

Force feeding is abuse. I hate it when I see people forcing their child to eat and child is in tears. Why would you want to set your child up with issues around food?
FIL is obsessed that children should eat all they're given. Annoys the hell out of me as they need to learn to stop when full.