Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for urgent help please

14 replies

Devastatedletters · 21/11/2017 09:47

Posted for traffic, have name changed.

Last year my dc who has learning difficulties made friends with a teen boy at a sports activity.

The boy was rather depressed and self harmed and talked about suicide and actively encouraged my dc to do the same. There were lots of things mentioned like dying together. It was all a mess. The boy tried to encourage my dc to self harm. Dc had shown nothing like this before but was desperate to fit in as struggles to maintain friendship. We got help from Mind who were brilliant.

Dc finds school really stressful. At their old school we had full on refusal to go, massive meltdowns and violence towards myself whenever something went wrong with school. I mean hitting, pushing, throwing things at me, slamming door on me etc and tipping the bin everywhere.

I went to the doctors twice but Camhs refused the referral.

We tried a new secondary following bullying which was dc choice but it's the pressure dc can't cope with and as exams get closer it is getting worse. Dc hates school and gets very anxious. I actually considered home ed and we had a place at a college that would take for core maths and English and a btech part time and home ed the rest but dc backed out at the last minute and stayed at school.

The school term started and dc changed their mind and wanted the home ed and college place. The course is full so dc can't go which resulted in massive meltdowns and aggression and screaming at me because I can't magic the place back.

Dc has now taken to screaming and shouting at me down the phone every time a bus is late or school keep them in late or such because it's my fault that the college does not have a place now dc turned it down.

This morning I found letters to his friends and my parents saying goodbye.
And a letter to me saying the world is too stressful.

I have spoken to dc who was already at school who said it was done ages ago because we were arguing all the time and they are fed up of it.

Arguing is by their own admission me asking them not to be aggressive to me or me asking them to do something twice when they have ignored me. I don't argue with dc at all. Dc utterly screams and shouts at me daily and is always saying I am getting at him because I've asked him to stop screaming at me or leaving food remains in his bed.

I don't put pressure on dc school wise and just encourage them to try their best. They hardly do any chores at all and only do after school activities they chose so I put no pressure on them at all.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 21/11/2017 10:14

So sorry, I’m not sure what you do, but I am sure you need hugs and support.

BrewCakeFlowers

Treesgreenblue · 21/11/2017 10:17

How old are They?

BlackeyedSusan · 21/11/2017 10:18

back to the GP and ask for an urgent refgerral to caamhs. again. not that you may get much help from caamhs.

does ds have any disabilities? if so you can ask for a carers assessment from social services or loacl carers centre.

tell the school.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 21/11/2017 10:18

Sounds simple but ask them how they want life at home.

Ds made the decision to move here ft and nc with df, not a decision I was expecting but had been on his mind for a while obviously.
Ask them do they want more /less boundaries? More /less friends over? More /less family meal times or chill with TV nights? Let him know that there are some choices /decisions he can make himself that will be respected. Life can feel out of your control at any age I feel.

Lunenburg · 21/11/2017 10:38

How old is your DC?

Have you approached the College to see if they would find a place for him if you decided to go down the Home Ed route?

If not, have you looked for alternative online resources for core subjects and the BTech?

Also have you made contact with local Home Ed groups to see how they are organised and which resources they use for these subjects.

I am involved on the periphery of several large Home Ed groups and what is most noticeable to me is the absence of stress in the young people (a wide range of ages) within those groups.

Because they are able to mature and develop at their own pace, without massive peer pressure, they don't appear to demonstrate the same levels of teenage angst.

Exams are important but assuming that all youngsters are ready to take them at exactly the same age and study for them in exactly the same way can cause enormous stress.

What you are both going through sounds awful. If it were me I would be trying a different route with the focus on helping your DC to cope with the stress he is clearly experiencing.

Devastatedletters · 21/11/2017 11:09

He is 15 and in year ten.
What he wants is not to ever be told off.for anything.
Not to be asked to do anything he might not want to do.

And I am the worst person in the world because now he has changed his mind and the college place is full and I've rang them to check and it's still full apparently that's my fault. He's rang screaming at me this week saying he's stressed about school and fed up with the bus etc and I should be able to get him a place at the place he turned down. :(

OP posts:
Squeegle · 21/11/2017 11:12

You do need help. The GP is your first port of call for urgent help- however Mind must be able to provide some guidance. I don’t understand why Camhs would refuse referral in these circumstances. Does he have any diagnosis?

ShovingLeopard · 21/11/2017 11:26

This sounds incredibly tough. It sounds like he is incredibly anxious, and needs help getting the anxiety down. I would also go back to the GP and push really hard (and possibly make a complaint about CAMHS refusal). Can you afford private therapy? I am reading your posts and wondering about ODD, but am obviously in no position to diagnose. Just wondered if it had ever been considered?

Devastatedletters · 21/11/2017 11:36

Squeegle he has a diagnoses in a specific learning difficulty.

No idea why Camhs refused the referral. I know waiting lists are horrific where we are.

OP posts:
Devastatedletters · 21/11/2017 11:38

I spoke to Mind when the issue with the other boy occurred and they felt like it was almost cohersive bullying or grooming how the boy behaved.

I've never heard of ODD will have a Google.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 21/11/2017 11:42

They have big waiting lists here, however there are priorities, and it sounds like your son needs help from them. After all their name is child and adolescent mental health services! My DS has adhd and odd and also high anxiety, he gets anxious, shouty and on occasion physical. I can’t manage it alone, I really need help. I have also had help an organisation called add-Vance which is for adhd and autism, so it may not be appropriate for you. But I think if you push the GP very hard they will need to offer you some help. I went to the GP in our practice who specialises in mental health. But it waSnt simple and I had to keep pushing.

Another organisation is kids hub and young minds on the Internet. I don’t know if they are local or national, worth looking up. Good luck

Squeegle · 21/11/2017 11:45

Odd is a collection of behaviours which makes a child oppose everything, argue about everything and basically be quite obnoxious like an extreme of Kevin the teenager. It is improved by avoiding stand offs and improving consistency - there is more about that too online. There is a good book called the explosive child by Ross Greene which may help. Although I do think you need help with the anxiety, it sounds hard for you Flowers

ASDismynormality · 21/11/2017 11:50

I think you need to push the GP to refer for an assessment of neurodiversity (ASD/ADHD etc). Are the school helping in anyway?

Devastatedletters · 21/11/2017 13:52

I've long suspected asd but because he has a condition with cross overs I keep being fobbed off.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page