Not liking to talk about Xmas in front of my friend!

[Obie4]

Ok this may sound silly, but it makes me feel really bad for talking about our Christmas plans in front of or with a good friend!
We have been friends for years, we are like chalk and cheese but get on so well. We have been brought up in the same area same kind of background ECT..
I love Christmas, it think it's all about kids and family, I will do anything to make it special and rememerable for my children. Neither me or my friend have a great deal of money but i make the best of it. I started buying our kids christmas presents in july.
My friend however seems to have no care for Christmas. Her kids pick what they want so no exitment for Santa, one of her children is going away for Xmas with a family member, she says she can't afford a lot of presents or decorations, they don't visit santa. She hasn't brought a single present yet. She basically puts little effort in.
I never talk about how much I'm spending or what I'm buying, she knows we start early and have a strict budget. But whenever I talk about Xmas, she goes so quiet, she has told me it's because she can't afford it, and I make her feel bad.
My husband works so hard for what we Have, her and her boyfriend don't work, and she is happy to say what money they get, so I know for a fact they actually have more money coming in than us, but she is so silly with money.
I was talking to another friend earlier about Xmas eve routines, I told her I had just brought my kids a special Rudolph hot chocolate bag each for Xmas eve and will get them a book each to go with it. These rudolph things were only a pound each. I was explaining that I put treats like this on there pillows Xmas eve so they see it when they go get there pjs, and leave them little letters from Santa to tell them to go to sleep nicely. I love doing this. Today she got the right hump about this, saying I make every one feel bad for not being able to do this for there children.
Am I in the wrong for trying to make Christmas special for my kids. And being exited about it. I do not brag about money. (Not much to brag about). I don't spend a small fortune. I just plan it and spend well. No other friend seems to have a problem with this!

I'm not sure you like each other?
You think she's silly for not spending her money wisely, she seems to resent you trying to make Christmas special for your children.

It's possible to make it special for children with little notes from Father Christmas and food for the reindeer as you were describing. That costs pennies.

I just think you find each other annoying!

Me and my friend are so different, it doesn't bother me in the slightest that she doesn't much care for Xmas. Iv known her for 22 years now so I'm very used to it. Iv never made her feel wrong for it. My mum and dad never went much on Xmas so I think that's why I make more of it for my kids. So I completly understand that people have different views on Xmas.
I don't really talk to her about it directly now. Just feel bad for talking about it in a group convosation too now.

'KathArtic' how cute. Cant wait to get our tree up. Dds bday on the 4th Dec so wait until that's out of the way first.

I wonder if something else is at play and she's using the "it's so expensive" comments to try and change the subject?
I hate Christmas, after my parents divorced it's become an emotional time for my siblings and I trying to balance who and where we spend our time without upsetting or offending anyone. I also hate it after a particularly traumatic incident on Christmas Eve a few years ago which many of my friends don't know about. It's easier to be a Grinch, complain that Christmas is expensive and not as fun if you don't have children, and then try changing the subject, than it is to be honest or to listen to the 6 weeks of obsessive conversation which proceeds it.

i was out with my girlfriends at weekend and we were talking about Xmas as in 'when shall we see each other/ who's around when' type of way. I find it totally berserk that they seem suck the fun out of everything with military style operations to go skating, to a panto, to a lights switch on, to see santa, to have a rudolph shaped poo, elf on the shelf, xmas hampers, pj's, bedding etc etc etc.

I adore Christmas, really I do- Every single year we end up having lovely a lovely time. I just don't need to have long conversations about what drink I am serving in 6 weeks or where I bought it from? And I'd rather not spend the summer holiday XMAS SHOPPING - the amount of shite bought is really troubling me, one use, cheap tat, made in china or wherever by children to be binned.

Maybe she finds XMAS CHAT it really dull? I do.

Unless you were boasting your head off about Your Christmas in the group conversation, then your friend shouldn't be pulling you up on what you said and making you feel guilty.

That's a horrible friendship dynamic.

It's not all about her and her problems. She seems to have a huge chip on her shoulder about you having more money than her. Fair enough to have a moan about it, but she can't have a strop if you're discussing your Christmas plans in a group.

I don’t spend money on Christmas (and certainly not in July). I’d find constant discussion of it really quite dull. Really dull. Not everyone has the same interests and priorities as you, it doesn’t make them a better or worse mother. Your pity might be better expressed elsewhere.

The friend hasn't said she finds it dull though.
She's told her friend she makes her feel bad for not being able to do that for her children.
Which of course she could on a smaller scale. There's no point having a pity party because others have more money than you. It just leads to bitterness.

her and her boyfriend don't work, and she is happy to say what money they get, so I know for a fact they actually have more money coming in than us, but she is so silly with money.

So neither of them work but she is trying to make you feel bad? Your friend is a freeloader.

OP please don’t feel bad at all. Your kids deserve the best Christmas you can give them.

'Namedy'
I have to start my shopping that early. I have 4 children with 3 of them having November/December birthdays too. I don't enjoy having to shop that early but It's the only way I can afford it.
Also she is a great mum. I'm not debating her parenting being better or worse.

I don't enjoy having to shop that early but It's the only way I can afford it.

Put the money in a savings account. That would avoid the early shopping.

PurpleDasies
I also buy early, partly to help spread the cost but also because for some people, I choose to buy 'summery' items. Those do not tend to be available in November and December. Also, I often see things when I'm in different places to my normal shopping areas. In the past I used to make a note to go back later, but often found that items were no longer available. These days, when I see a suitable item, I buy it.
I not only manage to buy decent gifts, but I manage to avoid the madness that is shopping in the run up to Christmas.

Purpledaisies.
I have thought about using a savings account. But I think I would be tempted to use the money if we were a little short at any point.

It sounds like she feels judged by you, and I think it's clear from this post that you do judge her, for not working, for how much they get for not working, for the 'silly' way she spends money, for what they do for Christmas...

No wonder she feels defensive.

Some people love it,and save every penny for it....(me) some people just buy their children a few clothes last minute ( my friend) I learnt early on in our friendship, to be mind full of her feelings ,we both love our kids.we just show it in different ways.she dosnt think presents are important for children,she dosnt do Santa ,and her kids love to tell everyone he dosnt exist...it could of caused a problem in our friendship but I was careful to not let it..me and ds wink and whisper ..none believers ...different strokes for different folks.

Just don’t talk to her about Christmas. Maybe see her a bit less than usual in December.

It's November.
I would not want to hear about the latest Xmas bandwagon "event" of hot chocolate on Xmas Eve, in November. Yes, it's a quid. That's £4 on 4 drinks. You can get a lot of hot chocolate for less than £4! To me, honestly it's just more Pinterest style Xmas tat.

If a friend told me about it in December, I'd give a polite smile and say "how lovely!".
And you know - their choice.
Just because I think it's yet more tat, I wouldn't share that view with a friend. I actually quite like the idea of a family sitting round together having a hot chocolate before bed. But I like the family aspect of it, the simplicity and the lack of commercialisation. The minute it's individual stuff at a pound each - it's just straight back into the commercialisation that I dislike. But as I said, I wouldn't share the view - but nor would I think it was particularly conversation-worthy. I'd find the topic dull.

That's in December.

In November, in my head I'd be screaming "it's one day! It's next month! Please, my ears are bleeding!!!"

You sound pretty judgmental of a so called friend, too.

'Sniv'
Again I will say these arnt direct conversations, so not in anyway does that mean it's directed at her so this should not make her feel judged.
We are great friends. I'm not judging her by the fact that she doesn't work, or by how she spends her money, I was simply giving some info to the post. And by saying she spends money silly is for instance spending £240 on hair extensions but then telling me I make her feel bad for not being able to buy presents. But that's up to Her it's her money, I don't make her feel bad for that.
I am just looking for any advice or anything thing to help me understand why she keeps pulling me up on this and making me feel like I shouldn't talk to our friends about anything Xmas related. If she doesn't want to do it it's up to her but why can't I. I think you have got me completly wrong!

It doesn't matter that you don't directly. "Make her feel bad" for spending £240 on hair extensions. She will know that is what you actually believe.

The conversation about Christmas is a red herring. I agree with he PP who said it sounds as if you don't like each other muchildren actually.

Maybe she doesn't value 'events' like Christmas, or can't. Maybe she is too busy trying to keep the wheels turning.

What do you know about her actual, real concerns and troubles approaching Christmas? Have you asked her what is going on in her life??

I really like Christmas but I don't talk about it all the time or want to talk about it particularly at all.

I've not started shopping yet. Dc haven't done Santa letters yet.

If I had a friend who wanted to talk about the pound shop stuff they were going to put on their dcs pillows I really wouldn't have anything to say - though I would be inwardly rolling my eyes.

You sound like a lovely mum and your kids are very lucky

Why do yo in think the friends kids are at a disadvantage? They need food warmth and love. Presents don't give you thises things

I haven't bought a present yet and iv 4dcs but I still like Christmas ??? Wow never heard anything so silly

It's only November so why would anyone be thinking of Christmas now ?? YABVFU and way ott

Ha ha have you read the Christmas threads on here Mumof4? Besides it's not far to December. Your four kids must be talking about it. At school? Advent calendars?

Besides surely it's up to the individual how they prepare for Christmas? OP wasn't banging on about it. She was discussing Christmas in a group with other friends. Her friend got annoyed and accused her of making her feel bad, poor me I can't afford Christmas.. how dare you talk about it..

I think the friend is out of line.

she has told me it's because she can't afford it, and I make her feel bad you're making her feel bad, just stop talking about it. I love Christmas, I'm a bit of a loony about it! My boss hates Christmas, we talk about everything else but I know he hates it so I avoid it. Talk about other things with your friend and share your Christmas enthusiasm with people who feel the same.

I'm actually proper laughing at planning to have a Rudolph shaped poo.