to get excited about meeting up with him?!

[AlexaAutumn]

I separated from my exP in September for a number of different reasons. Most obvious problem was his drinking and usual aggression (not physical but shouting) when he got drunk. It was a mutual, inevitable decision due to the circumstances we were in. I was heartbroken for things to end, and he was too. I was a mess for about a week but have been using the time to address my own MH issues, have landed a better job, and reconnected with old friends. Despite all this, I still very much miss and love (in love with) my exP.

We are in constant contact via texting and calls, and both of us have said at various points it doesn't help us move on (I've got a suspicion neither of us wants to). He has commented in the last few weeks about how much he misses me, how things aren't as enjoyable without me around, that he loves me, that he wanted to treat me better and how much of a good person I was to him - he said I was the perfect partner and he has to live with the fact he ruined our relationship and it devastates him. I heard through a friend of ours that he was very down about three weeks ago and said "I'll never find anyone like her, I've fucked it and she's gone". But, things aren't perfect, things still crop up from the past where I get angry and he gets defensive (and then apologises). We've met up about 7 times in the past 2 months, 4 of which I ended up staying the night (cuddling but not sex)

I am aware that he's in counselling and therapy for his problems. He has been telling me for some time that he is avoiding situations with alcohol, and has thrown himself into his career, where he is excelling. I feel so proud of him, but it makes me sad he's no longer my DP

Anyway, last night we attended the same event, where alcohol was readily available. We didn't actually go together or have mutual friends there, but he text me as I got there telling me where he was and that we should get seats next to him and his friends. I was apprehensive at first in case he had been drinking but when I got to him, he was completely sober. We were just laughing and catching up and he keeps saying "It's so good to see you" "I've missed you". One of his friends asked him if he wanted a pint and he accepted and I had one too. We weren't drunk. But as the event moved on, my friend commented that we were being very "couplely" - there was a lot of hugging, and flirting and messing around. He kissed me on the cheek, the head and my hand a lot in front of everyone. When I said I had to go for the train he said we should get on the train he was getting - it was packed and we ended up in different carriages, but he text me asking where I was and whether I would be up for a "proper catch up" sometime this week, we could go for a meal. He's text this morning again asking when I'm free and that he had a good night.

AIBU to get my hopes up of a reconciliation with him? i am aware that it's an uphill battle and we still need to work on ourselves, but my friend who was with us last night said we're heading for a reunion

He says he's avoiding situations with alcohol but the second he's offered a pint he accepts?!

He said he was avoiding situations with alcohol and then had a pint.

You are kidding yourself.

X posted with @Nikephorus

His problem with drinking isn't like he can't stop drinking - it's more that when he decides to get drunk he is aggressive. He's never said he was cutting it all out completely - he said he was cutting down. By situations of alcohol I mean nights out. Last night was a one off, and I was actually quite taken back at how he did just have one.

But yeah, probably being naive

Going against the grain here. Go out for a meal. See how he is when it's just the two of you. Ask him in advance not to drink (his reaction to that will tell you a lot).

Maybe you are being naive, but if you don't try you won't know. People do deserve second chances.

Relationships are hard enough. Why are you going back into this one that already promises drunken aggression as soon as you relax your guard?

Why couldn't he stick to one drink while you were together?
I think a reconciliation may work but two months isnt long enough to fix his attitude to alcohol.
I think you should pull back a bit.

I say go out for him for a meal this week and talk over the chances of you getting back together, but make it a longer term project. Say in six months time. In the meantime, work on yourselves and put a strong friendship in place between you. I think if you are really serious about each other long term, that you need a more solid basis that you have at present.

I believe that people can change. Look at all the women on mumsnet who have realised that alcohol doesn't suit them and given up or cut back. If he really has thrown himself into counselling and is willing to work on your relationship then perhaps you should give it a go. You don't have much to lose as long as you leave at the first sign of it not working, obviously. And obviously don't rush into big commitments.

Why would you even consider putting yourself through this?

Go and have a quick look at the relationships board and you'll see loads of women who have ended up tied to men like this (they have married and or had kids with him!! They don't have the option to just walk away)

Drinkers need to do a Hell of a lot of work on themselves to reform....

Look, OP, this is Mumsnet and everyone is going to tell you he is an alcoholic abuser and you should run for the hills.

Reality tends to be a bit more nuanced than that. Nobody is perfect.
You're clearly both trying to sort yourselves out in various ways, and it sounds like you are both in a better place than before.

You obviously like and miss each other. I'd see where it goes.

I don't think it will ever go away. Sadly. I was with someone very similar and it destroyed everything in the end. Which is horrid, as when he wasn't drunk and abusive he was a lovely person.
But he has made in the past a repeated choice to be drunk and abusive.
It's only starting to dawn on me how abusive the situation was.
Is he having serious psychotherapy? Because not drinking does not make the problem go away, it's just a sticking plaster

Have you thought that you need some proper space from each other? He really needs to work on himself a lot. And that takes a lot of time.
This is not all about alcohol, and I hope you realise that.

I think it's tricky as you both have your problems, it's whether or not they're compatible really. You get the rose tinted glasses and remember the good times, but as you said there were also bad. You shouldn't really put yourself in a situation where you're open to any abuse.

Maybe that could be a factor, if history repeats itself I'm off. What I worry about is will you be on egg shells when you recognise he's had a drink and isn't cheery. Will that trigger anxiety on your behalf.

Abuse comes in many forms, it doesn't always have to be black and white. Gas lighting for example. He's not rowing with you but being passive aggressive.

It's entirely your choice, but generally I can't see it not having a negative impact on you at some point.

I have no really indication from him that he's looking for a reconciliation any time soon (or at all, even). I'm kinda going off how he's acting.

It sounds stupid to defend his drinking, but I have actually been stunned at how seriously he's taking it - he was brought up by alcoholics and drinking normalised. He has very masculine influences in his life (tho he is quite emotionally intelligent) and the fact that he's engaging in counselling astounds me. I didn't think he'd ever do that.

Other problems existed as well - I'm not perfect angel! I was very insecure due to previous relationship and in my own words (tho he says I wasn't) I was very clingy. Having time apart has made me evaluate - did i really want HIM or just attention? And I've come to the conclusion that it's 100% him. I would be more than happy to take things very slowly, seeing each other once a week (as opposed to everyday).

I woudn't really know how to approach the conversation of giving it another go. Someone very close to me, very wisely said - "it's all very well and good him missing you, but is he going to do a damn thing about it?" I kinda want to lead from this point and then build up from that foundation.

Is that a good idea?

Sorry, OP, I don’t think that this is a good idea. There were very valid reasons for the relationship ending and by maintaining constant contact with him since, you have given yourself no opportunity to disengage and REALLY think about what you want as you have not let go of him.

I text him saying we should go for a meal and not drink and he replied of course, I wasn't thinking about having a drink, want to keep a clear head to enjoy your company

I don't think you should lead. Let him make the move. I'm sure he will. Maybe he needs more time on his own?

Thanks mrsharrison, that makes a lot of sense

I think we both need time alone, but miss each other as well. Will be cautious to pull back a bit as you said

It doesn't sound like you've really had a break from each other. You split in Sept but you've met up 7 times and constantly text/call. No wonder you're still hung up on each other. You need a proper cold turkey break, no contact, no nothing.

You also need to let him take the time he needs to get proper help and try and sort himself out. If not, he will just end up repeating the same pattern.

I know it isn't easy but you need to stop all contact for both your sakes. And in 6 months, if you still feel strongly about each other, then consider giving things a go. It may be you decide by then that friends only is the best option. But you are fooling yourself at present.