DH and I have been together for more than 15 years. We both come from different countries, he never learned my language so we always speak in his mother tongue at home. I am fluent in his language and can speak it without any problems.
However, sometimes I find it difficult to find words when we are talking. I might be looking for the best expression and cannot find it. Or I have a migraine going on (which happens rather frequently) and then it's a real struggle for me to find the right word, it's like they are escaping me while I'm talking. He's not very talkative while I like talking a lot.
I am getting tired of his sarcastic comments when it takes me a second or two to find the right word when I'm talking. I am tired of him telling me he hates listening to me being quiet for a short while because I am looking for the right word. I am tired of his attempts at practical jokes when I see something or just read something and just say Oh My God or Jesus to which he answers (constantly) where. It puts me off any further conversation straight away.
I find it extremely humiliating and I told him that. I am tired of telling him that those sarcastic remarks and interruptions don't really help. It got to the point where I actually don't want to talk to him at all and only reduce the conversation to the bare minimum, answers when he asks something or just telling something factual like we need to buy milk. But I don't feel like talking to him about important stuff or confide in him, talk about my feelings because I just find them too valuable to be interrupted. There's nothing I can do about the way I talk. My brain just blocks the word and it needs few seconds to release it.
He knows I have lesions in my brain from a brain inflammation and that I have severe migraines and headaches which cause me to trip over my feet or stutter slightly.
I just don't feel like talking to him anymore. I have fibromyalgia and my anxiety and depressive and suicidal thoughts are a constant companion. I have enough control freak in me to be able to control those but I got to the stage where the next sarcastic remark may tip me over the edge. Sometimes I feel like walking out into the night and just keep walking till I die. I feel like my life has no sense. The only thing that keeps me alive is my sweet loving daughter who is the biggest cuddle monster and has the kindest heart ever. But I feel like she'd be better off without me after the first pain because I don't want to emotionally abuse her by making her feel responsible for my life and well being.
Right now I just don't really want to talk with DH at all. I don't want to be tripped into going away. Especially with Christmas coming, I would never want to do it for my DD. I don't want to sound like I'm passive aggressive to my DH by not wanting to talk to him. It's the fear of being fobbed off and shut down again with a supposedly funny remark that keeps me silent.