AIBU about computer usage.

[xLostx]

Hello, new to the board and just looking for some opinions. Me and OH have lived together now for two years. No children. When I moved in, it became apparent his time spent on the computer was excessive, in my opinion anyway.

Our days basically go like this. OH gets home from work around 5-5.30pm - straight on the laptop within half an hour, and it's on until he goes to bed. I get in anywhere from 7.30-9pm (I work longer shifts). Our laptops are in the living room, so we basically sit in the same room the entire night, but he's lost in his laptop for the duration. He will get up and potter around to do things needed, but it's always sit back down to the laptop. Often he has his headphones on, as he's watching things/listening to music so conversation is difficult, with me having to repeat what I'm saying each time I try to talk to him. I find it frustrating. Every single day is like this. There is not one evening when he isn't on it.

I work weekends and generally only have weekdays off, he works all weekdays and only has weekends off, so for the most part unless one of us books a holiday day off from work, or I get an odd weekend day off work (once every 6-8 weeks) we don't have much quality time together. When we do, and we go out for the day it's lovely, but as soon as we get home he will literally sit on the couch, switch on the laptop and more often than not the headphones go on. Because it's in the living room, I can clearly see when I look at him to talk etc what he's on, so no, he's not having an affair (just incase it comes across he's hidden away on his laptop IYSWIM) as I would easily see.

I've talked about it with him many times. At risk of being told I'm pathetic or needy, I do feel the relationship is being neglected, I feel neglected. I have said I would like to spend quality time together in the house of evening, not just two people sat in a room together until we go to bed. I have asked him to reduce the time of it a bit so that there is a bit of balance and some time for quality time together for us. His side of it is, that it's spending time doing things he wants to do - reading, music etc which I understand, but I feel it's all that and no time for us.

We don't have a telly btw - both of us have no interest in TV - but I'm trying to consider whether I'm unreasonable as I imagine a lot of people get home from work and sit on the couch and just watch telly together of an evening, and perhaps it's just his version of that?

Am I being needy? Or is he neglecting the relationship? I have had the conversation with him and told him how I feel, but just not sure if I AIBU or he is. I guess that varies from person to person. I am prepared for honest answers, but please be gentle! Thank you x

You need to tell him how you feel and decide after you've judged the sincerity of his response whether the relationship is for you.

What is he watching/ listening to? Could you watch/ listen with him - try to take an interest in what he likes?

I suppose the point for me would be if you suggested doing something like going out , going for a walk etc would he go , if so then I don’t see the laptop usage as an issue . Does he do his share of the housework etc ? I spend all evening on my iPad and dh and I were having this conversation yesterday as he said I’m attached to it but as I pointed out we would only be watching TV , I do talk to him , never use headphones on the tablet and by doing something else with my hands I don’t tend to overeat and I’m staving off dementia by being mentally active . He on the other hand sits and watches Tv and eats a lot of chocolate .

What would happen if he didnt use headphones and used speakers instead?

By the time we’ve put dd to bed and done washing up etc it’s about 7.30-8. My dp goes on pc and I watch telly till about 10. Sometimes he will watch what I’m watching but he prefers the computer game.

I'd get a TV to be honest, then he can "cast" whatever he's watching onto the TV so you can both watch it, or you can at least talk to him whilst it's on. I imagine that even if you were watching the same program, you'd both have it up on your laptop as they're not big enough to watch together...

Otherwise, if he's not going to interact with you when you're there, what's the point of you being there?

I think the problem I have with it is as I soon as I walk through the door he's on it, we'll spend 5-10 mins (sometimes a bit longer) chatting about our day most of the time, then the headphones are on and other than the odd sentence that's it, the headphones are on till we go to bed. Nothing is happening when we go to bed either - that's for another story but essentially it's from his side and it's mental health related. So I feel we have no bond really. With the other issues going on I told him I'd like him to make more of an effort to build a connection outside the bedroom an it can't just be only me making the effort/suggestions. Yes I've told him all of this and how I feel, and tried to listen to his side.

On the other hand, I'm considering the points you are all making about how you spend your evenings etc. Perhaps I have unreasonable expectations for things to be a bit more exciting (that sounds a bit sarcy, it's not!). I'm perfectly happy to entertain myself in the evenings and have my own hobbies - but I'd just like some of 'us' time that doesn't involve a screen in there somewhere. No not up for going for walks etc. Will occasionally do things in the house with me if I ask - but I feel a bit fed up of it all being me making the effort, that's how it feels, anyway.

Housework, he does a bit. Often I need to ask, then there'll be attitude and that I'm a nag. I try to take an interest with what he's watching or doing on the laptop, ask what he's up to you, often it's a couple of words reply or sometimes get told I'm nosey and he doesn't feel he can do what he wants without me nosing.

• no he's not up for going for walks of an evening, it should have read, sorry.

He counts the walk to Asda to get some shopping as time together - he says we do spend time together, I came the shops with you. I'm in the same room as you every night. I say but you may as well not be. It's like he's not even there. Or more honestly, it's like I'm not even there. Have discussed if perhaps we're just not compatible, and he says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I love him, but don't love this I guess. It's all floating around my mind today, sorry for rambling.

It would be the headphones that would annoy me. Most couples come home after work and watch tele together/one reads/one knits/one goes on the iPad- this allows for conservation still.

It's a real warning sign to me that your DP doesn't seem to even want to speak to you. I would be seriously considering whether this relationship is for you.

On the other hand, I'm considering the points you are all making about how you spend your evenings etc.

We'll sit down, I'll have a book, DP will be reading, playing on her tablet or watching TV or the TV will be on anyway. Very occasionally I'll put headphones on, but that's only if I can't stomach the crap she's watching. Normally the one not watching TV is in the room & available to chat.

Sometimes we'll even talk!

What you've got going on doesn't sound like much fun TBH. I'd be tempted to sit down & work out what you're actually getting out of this relationship & whether you're happy.

If not (and I suspect you're not) I'd be thinking about moving out - it might work better that way anyway!!

This is my husband!!!!! But I like having the tv to myself. He doesn’t wear headphones though. So we can chat whenever. However it still annoys me

Seems a very unfulfilling way to be in a relationship. You aren’t spending any quality time together and aren’t having sex? (If I read that right). He says he loves you but how does he actually show it?

What would you actually do together?

I think in most relationships the odds are that "together time" will involve one person patiently enduring something until they can get back to whatever they would rather be doing. (And that is as likely to apply to their sex life as to any TV they watch together.)

My husband does the same most nights, but then so do I.

Can I ask what you'd rather he be doing instead? What does 'us time' mean to you?

Ha! I could've written your post when dp and I first moved in together op.

He liked to mess around on his pc on and off all evening , as that's what he's always done (he lived alone previously). I didn't know this as when we lived apart he always visited me , and therefore was away from his pc.

When he moved in , the evenings spent drinking a few beers and sharing a film were gone in favour of his computer time.it drove me mad but I knew it was purely down to his habits and not deliberate ignoring of me.

We talked about it and I told him how it made me feel. We came to an agreement - we'd eat dinner together every night we were both home then we'd each have time to do with as we please. He uses his on his computer and I use mine to watch tv , read or whatever. It works rather well and I'm glad we talked about it.

Good luck resolving this op.

I’m not really understanding what he actually says when you bring this up. Does he agree to change (but then never does)? Does he insist there is nothing wrong? Or does he just go quiet and come to no agreement at all?

It doesn’t matter really if he doesn’t “get” why you are upset. The fact is, you aren’t happy with the way things are. He can insist til he’s blue in the face that there’s no problem - but if you’re unhappy, there is a problem.

Therefore either he has to agree to compromise (and stick to it), or you have to realise that this is a dealbreaker and leave.

If you decide on the latter, you should really spell this out to him, as he is clearly not understanding how important this is to you.

I wouldbe unhappy with this too btw. The headphones make it really hard to get people’s attention, it’s irritating and off-putting.

I will say that it does sound like the relationship is lacking something ( lots of things actually) when it’s still fairly new .