To be concerned about her parenting?

[Bambamber]

Bear with me, it will be long

I have an acquaintance on Facebook that I haven't spoken to in years, who has recently had a baby and I'm concerned for her and the baby from the things she posts. The baby is less than 6 weeks old and she's freely admits she doesn't tend to the baby until the baby is purple from holding it's breath from screaming, Because she doesn't want baby to become clingy or be too dependent on her being there.

As a mother, this goes against every mothering instinct I have and saddens me greatly. Now I fully understand and accept that everyone makes different parenting choices, and there often isn't a right answer. One of those choices is not going to a baby as soon as they cry, and normally I wouldn't bat an eyelid as it's not my child, not my choice. But surely leaving a baby that young util they're holding their breath isn't healthy? I genuinely don't know, I'm literally at the opposite end of parenting choices. People keep commenting saying how that's the right thing to do, but surely it isn't working if the mum is obviously struggling so much (going by what she posts). She seems to think that a baby that young shouldn't be waking much at night, and leaving the baby to scream until it's holding it's breath is the way to solve this.

I probably sound like I'm being judgmental, and if I'm honest I am a little bit. But People could also easily judge my parenting as pandering too much, But I truly believe you can't spoil a baby with love. But I really want to message her and point her in the direction of some resources about things like the 4th trimester just to let her know that there are other things to try, and giving your baby a cuddle isn't going to be damaging to them. I don't want to tell her she's wrong, as well I'm no expert. But maybe open her up to other options. Obviously don't want to try convert her parenting style to mine, But there's lots of middle ground that may help her. But my husband tells me to butt out and not say anything.

I'm torn. I have never had a baby that has been difficult to settle. I only have one child who is still super young. So maybe I'm wrong and she is doing what's best for her baby, I really don't know. But I do know how annoying it is when people think they know best for their child. But I am genuinely concerned for her and the baby.

So would I be unreasonable to message with some word of support and then point her in the direction of some resources that may be of some help. And to reiterate, I don't think she should parent in the same way as me as I have no doubt I'm getting lots of things wrong. But just to open her up to other options that

That was longer than I expected, well done if you made it through my ramblings!

Sounds like she's doing cry it out/controlled crying? Not for me but it was the HV's advice when I had mine not too long ago.
I don't think it's your place to advise but maybe share some stuff on your wall about gentler methods that she an read if she wants to.

You know this from FB? FB is bullshit. The dullest people have fascinating lives, the most uptight play cool and laid back, the highly strung post serene pictures. Leave it alone if that's all your evidence.

I dont see how you can help the situation at all? All you may stand to do is make someone who may be a bit depressed/stressed or just have very different parenting ideas to you, very angry. Which is surely not going to help her be softer with her baby?
You cant really tell much from facebook posts. That you are saying she has supportive comments from people leads me to believe that whatever she is doing is not out of the realms of the ordinary and would not be considered abusive. I get the idea its some sort of Gina Ford type stuff? Now i agree with you that thats not good for a baby myself. I would never do any of that stuff however it is quite widely accepted and so to comment on it is actually quite hostile. More so because you havent seen this person for years. So just rocking up on one of her facebook posts to disagree with her parenting choices is probably really not going to go down very well.
If you knew her better or saw her regularly there might be more you could do. However I think in this case its best to just leave it because at best it will have no effect but at worst it will increase the womans stress and therefore make things worse for the baby.

I would contact the NSPCC initially, and see what they advise. I wouldn't be able to just leave it OP, in far too many situations people leave things that worry them on the assumption that someone else will do it. She is causing a newborn baby distress, and at best you can say she is misguided. I'd also comment on one of her FB posts or PM her saying you've read this, and am concerned she's leaving the baby to cry....tell her that's how a newborn communicates and it does get better - and she should talk to her HV if the crying is getting too much for her.

If I was concerned a baby was being neglected and/or badly treated then I would think about informing Social Services. Better to be wrong than risk ignoring a tragedy waiting to happen.

It makes me really sad to hear that someone might be doing that. My baby is difficult to settle but I never leave her to properly cry.
If she isn’t really a friend then I don’t think you have anything to lose by privately messaging her offering a bit of support.
What other people have said about how honest she’s being on Facebook is also true though and you may not get a positive response

I wonder why she would state this sort of thing on Facebook?

I would be concerned like you OP. It's not actually funny to say you are leaving your wee baby to cry till they are purple and are struggling to breath. Even if she is exadurating, she must, at some level think it's ok and if this is being validated by friends then she could take it that far. I am not in the camp that thinks you should leave it to someone else. If something did happen to this little one you would never forgive yourself. I have two adopted children who were removed from their BM due to a lot of reasons but one of them was her lack of care and interest in them and the fact that she had had no attachment to them at all.
I think that someone like you who has 'nothing to loose' is just the sort of person to offer a bit of perspective on this.
I once passed a really bad accident I wanted to report it as soon as we found a phone box - long time ago! My friends were more interested in going out. I drove to the next town and flagged down a police van. This was about 15 mins. later and it hadn't been reported!!

I wonder why she would state this sort of thing on Facebook?

Because for every parent who thinks you don't love them unless you have them in a sling until they start school there is one who thinks you spoil them if you react too much. In her case, probably someone much closer than the OP, mum perhaps. Or she wants to brag how she didn't change her life, It FB. Facebook=bullshit.

Thankyou everyone for your input.

I do agree that you don't get the full picture from Facebook. It could well be that she's exaggerating or I'm getting the wrong end of the stick or just don't know the full picture. I could well be wrong altogether. I never said she is gloating. She is posting things along the lines that she is sat in tears and doesn't know what to do. So people are commenting asking what's wrong, and she's replying saying baby won't settle, But she doesn't want baby to become clingy so she's not going to baby until baby is purple and holding breath from screaming. That is why I'm so concerned. The last couple of weeks have been a reoccurring theme with her posts, She's in tears and doesn't know what to do. To me that's someone crying out for help.

Unfortunately she's moved to the other side of the country I do have her mum on Facebook though, but they had a falling out a little while ago and don't think they have much contact.

I think I may just message her and open up a general dialogue with her and just ask how's she's doing and go from there. I have screenshotted the concerning comments just in case I need to get further advice in the future.

Agree with ProseccoMamam. Leave this parent alone and delete her from Facebook if you can't.

babies can't 'self soothe' til at least 6 months. She's mis-led and needs some intervention. Message her OP. It's actually child abuse to leave a child screaming without some comfort at that age. Babies need holding and calming. Loads of research about cortisol levels and brain development.

It saddens me so much that we have become so detached from what we know to be true....

You sound very loving and caring. If you can go in with a gentle approach, perhaps you will be able to connect. She is crying out for help and although you don’t really know her anymore, she’s crying out for help online to whomsoever is listening and you would be justified in trying.

Having just read your update, it sounds that she's in a bad way, that she really wants to comfort her baby, but fears to do so because she believes that to do so will "spoil" it. It reminds me of all the stories we hear from women of our mothers' / grandmothers' generations, who were sometimes desperate to pick up and cuddle their crying babies, but were firmly told that they mustn't.

I think, in this case, a friendly message presenting the evidence that it's OK to pick her baby up if she wants would probably help her.

And I say that as someone who sees herself as a positively Dickensian mother, and who did controlled crying with both her babies- at 8 months, though. Not 6 weeks.

Really baffled by the posters defending this mother, especially the comment about it being none of OPs business- she put it on Facebook for crying out loud!

The OP clearly states that this mother doesn't even attempt to placate the child until it is worked up in to a frenzy, because she doesn't want the child to do become too clingy. So the child could very well be crying because it's hungry or wet/soiled. Or it could just want a cuddle off its mum maybe? The manipulative little monster!

There is a bloody wrong way to parent and neglecting your tiny baby is definitely the wrong way.

I'd screenshot the messages and send them to someone closer to her who you can trust to take some action, setting out why you are concerned, and then message the woman to tell her what you have done.

She needs help and support. Yes opening a dialogue with her would be good especially as she's posted on fb. You could be non judgemental and just say you know how hard it is. See how she reacts, then maybe say what helped you or let her know where she can get help. Sounds like the baby could do with seeing a dr to check everything is ok.

The problem for me- is everyone responding leave it to her friends, to people who know her- if the child ends up dead would you still feel the same way? She is public ally stating that the child breath holds due to being upset and changes colour- either she’s exaggerating, or it’s a cry for help. Sorry- I’d oersonallt be reporting to social services in the area, as I couldn’t make the judgment call or if it’s for attention or real- and I will not have the health or possible death of a 6 week old baby on my conscience. I would copy the messages, and give them to SS. No case, all good. Maybe she is really struggling and they can help. It’s anonymous and I’d rather over react when a baby is involved than decide that someone else is bound to act if it’s true. If everyone feels that way, that someone closer will say something, and Boone does, then everyon has na equal responsibility in the outcome.

Tbh I'm finding it really hard to imagine that a 6 week old would be holding its breath from crying so I wonder how accurate her posts are anyway.

My son has held his breath when he cries since the day he was born. Still does two and half years later! This is in a matter of seconds as well so I can't imagine anyone leaving their baby for a prolonged period of time if thats happening.

If the baby is genuinely breath holding she needs proper advice from a HV. They can swallow their tongue if it's not dealt with. I'd send her a message, not a judgey message but just a generic how are you getting on. If she mentions the crying, offer a bit of advice. Not sure what you could do beyond that.

YANBU - I would message her and ask how things are going being a new mum and hopefully she’ll open up a bit...

If not, you can say ‘ooh my DC won’t sleep etc.’ And then say they are going through the 4th trimester etc.