To ask if this split is fair?

[3nonblondedd78]

Have 3 dds youngest just started reception.
Two youngest have a small amount of additional needs which results in some medical appointments and slightly more assistance with personal care. I deal with the appointments and most of the care.
Working dh has a regular office jobs which pays all the bills.
I work freelance and work variable hours. Normally between 1 and 16 per week. Although 16hours is only really pre Christmas. Rest of the year lots less. I also study about 5 hours per week.
So due to my limited hours I pretty much do everything at home. Dh will look after the kids if I am physically working away from home. But rarely picks up the slack if I am doing admin or work prep. Obviously I do more of this when Dd3 is at school but there are times when I can't.
Yesterday was a case in point. I was out for 6 hours at an event. He had the kids whilst Was out and took one to an activity but that was it.
So today I did some admin, shopping, laundry etc whilst he did one activity for an hour with Dd2.
So during the week I do get free time during the day but evenings and weekends are full on. I am out every venting taking kids to activities etc although dh will do them if I am at work. Won't put the kids to bed though or wash up.
So I guess I am feeling overwhelmed as it's a busy period.
So should he step up more or should I take the hit as I work less at other times.

Venting read evening.

With young kids and additional needs I don't think there's really a "should" or a "fair". It's more, how much can you cope with, and how much can he cope with? You are overwhelmed at the moment because your work has ramped up so if you suspect that he isn't going flat-out then maybe he could put in a bit more for the next few weeks to ease the pressure on you. You need to talk to him, and maybe don't worry about putting it in terms of what's objectively "fair" and do use words like "overwhelmed".

I think sixteen hours is barely anything so if that's your busiest period then you have it very easy. Assuming his office job is the usual 37.5 hours per week I'd expect the other twenty hours to easily cover the house stuff plus plenty for down time.

If roles were reversed and he did those few hours whilst you worked full time all week would you expect to do everything at the weekend? Very likely not.

Your current arrangement sounds pretty fair to me...he had the kids on his own for 6 hours yesterday while you were out at an event, you have time on your own when the kids are at school and sometimes you only work 1 hour a week.

Evenings and weekends are always full on with 3 kids. (Although maybe he could do the washing up!)

I don't understand him not washing up - does he eat? And why can't he put the children to bed?

If the children going to do many evening activities is causing a problem then can’t you reduce the number of activities?

When does he get free time?

I really don't think it makes a difference how many hours you work, if you're tied up with something the other person should help out regardless. In your shoes I'd split the washing up and putting kids to bed, either DH does one or the other each night. Some nights my DH doesn't get home till just before 9pm but he'll put the kids to bed as soon as he comes in if I'm busy cleaning up. That way we both get to sit and relax quicker once the evening routine is done

I agree it does seem fair now dd3 is finally at school full time. Especially on the weeks where I am only doing admin and promotion.
But I just feel it would be nice if he picked up the slack when I an up against it.
He comes home from work and is too tired to do anything except make a snack (leaving crumbs everywhere) and retires upstairs to veg. I cook a meal . I take the kids to their activities, Clean the kitchen and put kids or nag older two to go to bed. So he has 4 hours rest whilst I am busy . I have very little if any free time in the evening.
On the nights I work he will watch kids but the washing up will remain in the sink. I will have cooked before I leave or if no time he will bung a pizza in the oven.
So morning up till 9am we are equally busy. I than have 6 hours child free to his 4 hours. Yet in my free time I go shopping, housework, laundry, study, work etc.
Also I would say that I do 90% weekends too and do work when I can.
Hopefully things will change as I start another job in January. Not many hours but hopefully I will have some bargaining power as rich now I feel like a skivvy.

Agree, all sounds fair except the evening part. What is he doing while you put the 3 to bed and do the washing up? If it's sat on his arse watching telly then I'd have words. He'd have to do the washing up/after dinner clean up so once bedtime done you both relaxed.

Cross post 6 to 10 every evening I don't work and the bulk of the weekend when I don't work.
Each child only does one or two activities but with 3 this means I am running around every evening.

The way you say ‘bargaining power’ - that doesn’t suggest you both see eye to eye on this? That would be an issue for me. My DH by far does more than me around the house right now, but my career is in a stage where I really need to put the hours in and as well as working 37.5 hours I commute for another 12.5 hours on top. But DH is perfectly happy doing more, knowing I’d rather do more at home than be sat in the car stuck in traffic, but it’s just how it is at the moment.

Ultimately if you are not happy he needs to listen to you and both of you readdress the balance. Personally I don’t think it sounds hugely uneven. And don’t forget we are habitual, he’s used to coming home and doing nothing. I find it really hard to do anything at all when I get home from work. I’m shattered and can go to bed by 9.30 most nights.

I think he has just got used to doing nothing in the evenings. I have been generally ok with this. Especially as I always thought I would have more balance once Dd3 started full time. This happened in October but I than went straight into my busy period.
I think when I refer to bargaining pier it relates to kids too. I think the older two should be doing more also.

You may have little free time in the evening, but you do have lots of free time during the day!

That said, I'd expect DH to be doing more with the DC - bathing and bedtimes for example. Though this would be mostly to spend time with them, rather than to ease your workload

When one child is at an activity where are the other 2?

I find it bizarre that he Deann anything in the evenings. It’s hard getting three kids to bed on your own whethe for not you have been working.
Doesn’t he want to spend time with his kids? Read them bedtime stories etc. If my dh didn’t do that he would feel like he barely saw them. On the nights he has worked late a few days in a row and I have got them in bedhe is sad he has missed them. That’s part of being a dad.

Depends on the activity and where it is. Most are drop off and pick ups so they come with me in the car for drop off. They are with dh for pick up although I will have put younger one to bed before pick up. But on the one further away I bring younger two with me and have to entertain them .
With the youngest activity we all go.

I assume if your taking them all then it is before dh is home from work?

I did try to get dh to do the pick up for the early one where we all stay but he can't guarantee he will be there.

Depends some weeks he is home for drop off and they can stay home but 3 nights one activities starts early. Obviously he can't help with those and in summer Dd1 can walk but not now it's dark.
Sorry quite complicated.

Sorry Dd1 can walk to one of them.

So your annoyed with him for not helping when he physically isn’t there?

And yes if a child is old enough to be walking to an activity alone then she is old enough to be helping around the house.

Can’t you arrange car shares/lifts with other parents? One takes one picks up?

I guess I just feel sometimes that he likes spending time with them but on his terms. Ie he will take one of them to the football match with him or will play computer games etc but won't go to their Remembrance parades or parents evenings etc.

Hang on. So SAHM mothers carry on working in the evenings and at weekends whilst their WOHM partners don't?

Is that right?

I think the measure of whether things are split fairly is how often one person is relaxing while the other is working (including chores, admin and childcare). I am the wage earner in our home but I always put our 3 children to bed if I'm home in time (ie more often than not) and I take the lead on childcare at the weekend. At the weekend I share the cleaning and do about half the admin as well but that's because our youngest is pre school. Before he came along and our older two were both in school my dh did all the cleaning and more of the admin. I just helped with the ironing and cared for the children. I feel our arrangements are fair because we tend to relax at the same time. If one is working the other is usually.

Oh course not. I just wish sometimes he would do the late night pick ups as it's sometimes a struggle to get to need and asleep before than
Also the one which involves us hanging around on a field for an hour which could be avoided if he made a slight detour on the way home from work.