Mother / Mother in Law - WTF does anyone do to keep everyone happy?

[LH2016]

Hi, hoping you can help. At my wits end. Mum lives in South London, we live in North. MIL lives in Suffolk. Logistically MIL doesn't get the chance to baby (10mo) regularly so we go for a weekend or she comes to us - once every 6 weeks or so. Mum sees him every week for a few hours. MIL is with us for second weekend in a month because early Nov we decided to go to her for an amazing fireworks display in the local village. Mum outraged. She says it's unfair that she doesn't get a look in at weekend. BUT SHE SEES HIM EVERY WEEK. We are dealing with distance and practically speaking she can see him every week and MIL can't. We also have our own friends to see, and so sue us, we want time on our own. She won't let it drop and now every time she comes over she just wants to slag off the in laws and I'm just sick of it. What do you ladies to about distances and MILS????? FFS. Didn't sign up for all this shit! Thanks... x

We had similar, but with a "I don't get to see DC on their birthdays, but MIL does" when DM saw the DC every week. I did a face, said "That's an odd way to look at things" and then ignored it.

(We do a fine line of passive aggression in our family )

My eldest DD was doing the same to my middle DD (who has my GC), it got to a point were she had to be told straight. She doesn't like it, but tough.

"Mum can be tricky and she doesn't listen when you're talking, she's getting older so conversation is out because she isn't focussing or isn't listening"

How old is she, has she always been like this, or is she becoming unwell?

Suddenly not being able to drop negative things can be a symptom of different conditions, such as thyroid, diabetes etc.

Your mum is ridiculous.

Tell her if she carries on, you will make it 'fair' as she's suggesting and let her see your DC for a couple of hours every 6 weeks or more. Then send her home/go home yourself with your DC immediately. REfuse to engage on the topic any more; just separate yourself and your DC from her,

'Hmm, yes, I see what you mean - very unfair. Ok, the only way to do it will be exactly the same number of hours I guess. If we stick to the weekend arrangement with MIL, that takes you down to seeing GS either for a weekend every 6 weeks - you can come to us - or for the day once every third week I guess? - what do you prefer??'

:)

I've a similar sort of issue but with Son and ex wife. For some reason my 6yr old gd has never been allowed to visit my house, she came once was asleep in car and that was as far as that got! I've babysat for exDIL, still gd's mum at end of day. But now new h2be on scene it's started getting tricky. Son says don't go visit (which never do unless invited - this was made perfectly clear when gd was first born) don't baby sit again. ex dil is consistently belittling son in front of me to soon 2beH when babysitting. ex dil mum is consistently complaining about h2be and D as they will not let her visit and if she finds out I've babysat shes then complaining saying I'm being used as a mug. Who said having a family was easy - I've decided that I'm going to apply for a job with the UN as all I seem to do these days is make try and smooth things over with people around gd !!

I have my mum, my Ex MIL and my Ex Step MIL. Now that's fun! I was always at odds with at least one of the three.

It's actually all settled down now though but it was hard at times.

I've only read your OP but I'd be cutting down on seeng my mother if she started having a tantrum about the children's other grandmother seeing them for five minutes more than she did. Let her miss out to see what she has.

Is your mum usually controlling? Trying to please everyone never works in my experience. Make it clear to her that you are happy with the current arrangements. Otherwise you will be treading on eggshells for years to come. Your mum needs to control her jealousy. It’s not a competition and it’s completely unfair to make you feel guilty. Good luck OP I can empathise.

Tell her she'll be seeing her grandchild a lot less if she keeps mithering you about it.

Oh dear, your mum’s a nightmare by the sound of this. Don’t let her emotionally blackmail you into changing the arrangements. You need to tell her you’re satisfied with the way things are.

Birdsgottafly - that's an interesting point. She's 70 and I don't want to condone bad behaviour but she is definitely getting more difficult and I did wonder if it was something like that, but I have broached the subject of her memory with her and she said she's fine. Even though I don't think she is all the time!

Everyone else - I appreciate your time and your comments, it's so frustrating but it seems like we are far from alone. THANK YOU all so much!

Well that went really fucking well!
I didn’t bring it up as that was the easier option. So Mum did. I suggested some of the things you mentioned to show how ridiculous this is and apparently I’m the one who has to have the last word and I don’t understand. We were meant to go to a specific restaurant a few weekends ago and then the trains were buggered so we suggested staying round our way and going for a walk and lunch, she said no and left. I asked, if it’s so important for her to have time with us, why she left and didn’t just come with us elsewhere and her point was she wanted to go to that restaurant: so I said was getting your way more important than seeing us and she said yes she was making a point. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Anyway I left the house I’ve left her babysitting. So furious. How do you even get your point across. Fuck!

Was your childhood scrupulously split between both sets of grandparents?

I didn’t have any! Just how the cards were played - and you know what, I think this is why she’s struggling with it as shes never had to share me.

Totally see your point though!!!

That's a shame (not having any and not being able to use it). She needs to realise that the more she complains about fairness, the less pleasant it is to be together.