Flaky Friend

[Tara336]

This is the first time I've posted so please be gentle with me.

AIBU i have been friends with this person for about 7 years, however, her behaviour gets me down and I don't know if I should continue making any effort.

The upside is when on the rare occasion I do see her it's fun and we get on so well. She's always on the end of the phone but that's it.

I have been through hell the last few years and she was there for me but only via text. I in turn have been there for her through some hard times.

This year I have seen her once for coffee. I did manage to arrange seeing her another day but she text and said she was coming down with something and cancelled on me. The next day she text and told me she was out shopping and had seen something I might like. Clearly made a miraculous recovery. I was so hurt. I did text and say I'm glad your feeling better now.

We live quite a distance apart and she has litterly driven past my front door on many occasions over the last couple years and not once made the effort to call in and have a coffee.

It's like she wants a friend but at a distance. Tells me how I'm her best friend and how much our friendship means but to me friendship is having fun together, going out, actually meeting up.

AIBU in just not bothering anymore? She says her husband discourages her having visitors and won't let her do anything etc but I don't know if that's just another excuse to avoid seeing people

Have you met her husband?

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP with one of my best friends. I posted on another thread on here last night saying ‘I don’t need a penpal/ virtual friend’ and I’ll say it again.

Whatsapping me a funny meme every couple of weeks etc is not friendship. For real friendship you need to experiences, nights out, shared (in person) laughs etc. It’s different if it’s a long distance friendship obviously but this friend of mine lives 10 minutes down the road. We used to see each other a lot and I was always thought of if she was doing anything going shopping/ nights out etc. Now, I only see her once every 3 months or so and she never invites me out anymore. I’m in a relationship and she’s single, however, I’ve been in this relationship for the last 5 years and have always made an effort to maintain my friendships. I go out for drinks/ dinner etc with friends all the time without my DP, so not like I decline invites/ insist on bringing him along etc. She also drives past my house regularly and never thinks to pop in etc.

I’m done now. No more texts/ requests to meet up from me. If she wants to know she has my number but I refuse to be the only person pedalling a friendship, it’s sad and desperate and luckily I do have other friends.

I feel your pain OP but I wouldn’t chase her, I would perhaps even text saying you miss her as a friend and as lovely as texting etc is, it isn’t a substitute long term for face to face meeting and contact. If my friend ever texts me and asks why I haven’t asked to meet up/ texted her in a while (doubtful) then I will be honest with her. You may as well be too. Does your friend have other friends? Do you know if she goes out with them? I.e, is the husband excuse BS?

Unless you know the inside of her marriage I wouldn't be so quick to judge. My best friend (ex now partly due to her exh) was only able to send a certain amount of texts per day as he had worked out what her contract allowed, wasnt allowed to take calls if he was home, once I was bleeding during pregnancy and had text her to please pick up, she didn't as they were eating out. At mcdonalds ffs. Even separated he controlled her, she had it be in whenever he decided he had to collect something . I gave up as I could no longer cope with such a 3 way friendship.
Maybe back off and see how she reacts.