To ignore XP's birthday?

[RebeccaBunch]

X is an abusive twat.

Nevertheless I always facilitate dc getting him birthday/Xmas gifts etc.

I had big birthday 2 months ago he hadn't even acknowledged. He didn't help dc get me card or present. He didn't wish me happy birthday. Dc are 10 & 6.

This year they sorted my present and card themselves with a little help from me.

Dc haven't mentioned his birthday at all. Pretty sure they have forgotten. I nearly did - it just popped up on phone. I'm inclined to mirror his behaviour to me 2 months ago and just crack on with our day.

I will mention it to them so they can call and make a card. But I really don't want to give them money for a gift or take them shopping.

U or not?

YANBU. Ignore it.

I think you should tell them so they can decide if they want to make a card, send a message etc. If they insist on a present -
cheap smellies and chocs from the poundshop, £2 tops. It's not their fault their dad is a twat.

Nope, sod him. I think your plan to remind them but leave it down to them is best!

Let dc do something. But keep it low key. Maybe a phone call today and maybe a carx for when they next see him. If he'd cared much he would have probably asked to see them after all. Maybe birthdays just don't featufe on his radar?

Nah, he's made it clear that he believes the kids are old enough to sort it. If you think they'd be upset if he asked for his card and they had nothing, then nudge them. If they end up as adults in the same situation, you're showing them now how to handle it.

I 100% agree with the others. Don't waste your money, but do remind your kids.

Sorry, just read the op properly. Crack on. YANBU.

Do you really want to be as much of a dick as him about it? Don't put your children in the middle of it. I would remind the dc to make him a card but thats it. I wouldn't chase them up about it though, if they choose not to do it they're not babies any more.

Don't get a gift, but the children can make a card for him.

Show him he’s not as important, powerful or scary as he likes to think he is. Yeah it’s petty, but he needs to know he doesn’t hold any sway in your life anymore

You could ask the kids what they want to do a couple of days before?

It's today! We've had a lot on and it totally fell off radar.

No he didn't ask to see them today.

I've reminded dc now and they say they will Facetime him later. I'll leave it to them re anything else.

I'm not trying to be petty. My natural way is to be very friendly and have good relationships with people. However he still gets verbally abusive to me given half the chance, (yes even after 6 years apart) so I have now detached completely and have nothing to do with him that isn't completely necessary for dc. If we didn't have dc he would be only XP I'd happily never see again.

Similar situation, younger DC- I have always bought a card and present, without any expectation of it being returned because she enjoys doing it- I do it for her, not XP. I also know that it will be remembered and noted in the future who was able to be more of a grown up, and who was more capable of putting the DC first and not use them for being petty. Not saying you are petty, please don’t think that, but for me, I felt it was and is important to to continue facilitating this. Ultimately though, YANBU to decide that enough is enough and no longer want to do it.

Now dc are older, and they showed how capable they are at sorting stuff with my birthday recently, I will be lead by them.

They know now and I'm interested to see how the day plays out. They are due some pocket money so will have £ if they want to buy him something.

Some good advice here OP. Defo tell the kids and leave it up to them.

It's not your problem anymore, nor is your birthday his problem.

I or my husband's mum always helped my stepson buy presents/cards for his dad (my husband) and his ex wife's family always sorted out her birthday. Once he was a teen I'd give him a nudge saying "you haven't forgotten mother' day etc" but I'd never have got involved with anything more.

Seems to like you've made the right decision. Be led by them.

Please tell them not to spend their poket money on him- it's theirs.. you sorted your own present so don't let them spend it on him he can also sort his own. They can just wish him a happy birthday whenever they next see him 😊

Yes, he can help them sort his own present.

Do you think X twat is punishing you for leaving him with the verbal abuse?

What's he like on the children's birthday? Does he want to see them then? Does he send them presents and cards?

We went shopping and they got him a card but not a gift.

I've stayed out of it. He has a big family who can organise stuff with dc.

It was dc1s birthday earlier this week. He took her to cinema after school but no card or gift. Apparently gift is coming. He is taking her out with friends in lieu of a party. So yes he's pretty relaxed about birthdays.

Thanks for all your advice. It was useful to get those thoughts out.

Minerva he was increasingly abusive for years. Steady predictable pattern, sharp jumps around birth of dc, that you read so much about here on MN.

Now I have very little to do with him. Don't have him in house ( with a few very rare exceptions). I asked him to look at child support for the first time in 5 years recently (he underpaid all that time) and the abuse comes - very predictable.

It used to be if I was nice to him and reasonable, it would be shortly followed with abuse. So eventually I stopped having anything to do with him. He had new gf now (poor woman)so hopefully he will be less focused on me now.

I think you can ignore him tbh, but if the children ask about a present for him it would be kind to them to give them a very small budget - like £5 - and help them to a shop eg poundland. But I wouldn't do more than you have unless they ask.