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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resign myself to one child?

46 replies

Xfactorstar · 18/11/2017 22:38

Hi.
I have a 5 week old conceived with clomid after 18 months ttc. Baby born nearly 6 weeks early but well. Obviously im a bit traumatised by early delivery and have been worrying about him. I have a history of depression and started Prozac again a few weeks ago. I'm also terrified of another early baby and unsure if my mental health could cope with ttc pregnancy and early birth again.
AiBu to resign myself to one child?

OP posts:

Tipsytopsyturvy · 18/11/2017 23:26

How old are you xfactor?
My ds is 2 and only in recent months have I come round to considering another. It took me a long time physically and even longer mentally to get over the birth. I’m only considering a second now and don’t even know if I will go ahead.
But when I had ds it was a definite no to another baby.

lljkk · 18/11/2017 23:28

You don't have to make that decision right now.
Pictures of cute babies always welcome :).
One day at a time, don't forget to live in the moment, and all that. x

Original poster

Xfactorstar · 18/11/2017 23:28

I'm 31. Dh 8 years older

OP posts:

northernruth · 19/11/2017 19:03

Why are you thinking of this now? Is another child something you were planning? It’s not compulsory. It’s not necessary for the well-being of your first born. I have one, it’s great, loads of fun, very flexible, mental health issues here too and another would have floored me. Enjoy your baby and try not to worry about it for now!

TheVanguardSix · 19/11/2017 19:10

One child is absolutely fine! You may want to try again or not.
DC1 was 8 when I went on to have DC2. The age gap is just not an issue for any of us. You have plenty of time to revisit thoughts on a second child. But put it to bed for now. Priority number 1 is the baby you actually do have in your arms and your own health.

Congratulations. May good health find its way back to you.

Movablefeast · 19/11/2017 19:11

I had my 1st at 31 and then 2 more. Plenty of time. Try to do whatever you can to be loving, kind and forgiving to yourself. Enjoy your new baby and congratulations!!!

JuniUmiZoomi · 19/11/2017 19:13

I struggled A LOT with PTSD and general baby-shock when my DD was born. I was solidly a 'one and done' from there on in. I could not imagine managing it all again. My mum always said 'it gets easier when they're 3, you might change your mind'. To which I said 'not bloody likely, love!'

However, when she was 2.5 years old after much soul searching we decided to try, and got there very quickly (after quite a difficult time and 2+ years TTC although no fertility assistance). I won't lie, I've been massively anxious and fearful and all the emotions that convinced me it was the wrong decision. It might yet feel like the wrong decision but we're willing to try.

A long winded way of saying no decisions have to be made now and you have time although it might not feel like it now. I didn't have my DD til I was 33 and am 36 now.

Movablefeast · 19/11/2017 19:15

The first year as a new mum can be a time full of anxiety. Your generalised anxiety may be obsessively focussing on this topic causing you to ruminate and worry. Very normal to be anxious, so do whatever gives you healthy stress relief.

ovenchips · 19/11/2017 19:21

Whoosh - that is an awful lot of things you've been through OP to have your baby. Lots of difficulties and trauma. You have been through a lot, both to get pregnant, then in having your baby. I imagine you are reeling.

There is no compulsion to have any more children. That is a completely natural thing to think after what's happened, especially when everything is so recent.

If you want to decide that you are 'done' and won't be having any more that's fine. If you change your mind, that is fine too.

Congratulations on your baby and look after yourself.

Lndnmummy · 19/11/2017 19:23

Congratulations to your baby! Your mind and emotions will be all over the place right now. Just take an hour at a time. You are a mum, you have a baby. The magnitude of that is huge and it takes months for it all to sink in. Just deal with surviving for now. When my ds was born my husband looked at me with tears streaming down his face and said let’s do it again. I cried and said never ever again! I crashed quickly after the birth and went through a year of meds and therapy for ptsd and pnd. It took me 5 years to consider doing it again. At 5 weeks I googled adoption as I was convinced I couldn’t love ds and wasn’t cut out for it all. I was of course, but I was exhausted, traumatised and very ill.

flumpybear · 19/11/2017 19:30

Congratulations!!! Don’t think about More children, just settle in with your baby and get yourself back to you. It takes time for all the hormones to settle and for you to settle in with a brand new life with a baby which is really big change and can be really hard but you’ll be fine

I was a wreck with my first baby but by the time I had a second (always wanted another) things were fine and I knew what to expect

FWIW when I had my second by elective section there was a woman behind me with a 30 weeker- I said oh goodness just wheel me out sounds like you need the theatre - the doctors said oh 30 weeks is absolutely fine we don’t get too worried they’re fine - and your baby had another month so try not to worry too much - also it may just be a one off your baby was early next time may be term

Be kind to yourself and enjoy settling into your new world and don’t beat yourself up you’re doing great 👍

Chocness · 19/11/2017 20:47

OP I was very similar to you. My baby wasn’t premature but was very sick when he was born and we could have lost him. This, coupled with a very traumatic birth ignited a lot of anxiety within me and PND. I remember very clearly thinking how the hell am I going to do this again when I can’t even cope with this time round and this baby. As previous posters have said, the first year as a parent is life changing. You will feel huge highs and huge lows. Nothing can prepare you for it. At the moment you are 5 weeks in, your hormones will be all over the place plus you are probably very tired from looking after your lovely newborn. It is not a good time to be putting any extra pressure on yourself about a second child. I think the suggestion of thinking about it every 6 months is an excellent idea. I wished I’d done the same thing rather than adding to my already sky high anxiety during the first year of my baby’s life. I’m sure that would have helped me enjoy the time with him a lot more than I did at times.

Be kind to yourself OP, motherhood is a testing time and you need time to adjust to it as well as heal from making another human being. BTW, I didn’t make up my mind about having another baby until only recently. Our DS is 2.5 years old, I’m now 10 weeks pregnant with number two and I’m 43 so there is time.

Enjoy those lovely snuggles with your newborn. 💐

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 19/11/2017 20:52

There's nothing wrong with one child. If you know you can't cope with doing it all again then don't. If that brings you relief and helps your anxiety then that's what you decide. If you were ever to change your mind and feel like you can do it again then you do. But right now if it's not for you that's totally fine and your kid will be perfectly happy and healthy

Funnyface1 · 19/11/2017 21:00

I think it's too early to tell. For totally different reasons I resigned myself to one baby. Lived that way for years.

Over the space of 18 months things totally changed and I had baby number 2 when my first was just turned 6.
I really didn't think that would happen so I think you can't know for sure this early. Congratulations.

Original poster

Xfactorstar · 24/11/2017 21:59

Sorry just 're visiting this. God forgive me but I worry about something happening to him. Both me and dh have had a child from our families die and I cant think of anything worse

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 24/11/2017 22:02

Have you spoken to your mw or gp about all your concerns and anxieties?

Original poster

Xfactorstar · 24/11/2017 22:20

yes but obviously they can't tell me he's not going to die before us or get ill. I've just been pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 24/11/2017 22:22

But pushing the thoughts away clearly isn't working. It's normal to have a certain level of worry about your children. But if these thoughts are intrusive and interfering with your life then you need help with that anxiety.

kissmewherethesundontshine · 24/11/2017 23:06

xfactor
You will get through this, I had the exact same thoughts during my pregnancy and it is awful it feels so real doesn’t it. Please speak to your Gp/health visitor and ask for a referral for some counselling or CBT it worked wonders for me (along with medication).

Original poster

Xfactorstar · 24/11/2017 23:16

Thanks ladies. It's awful and comes and goes.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 24/11/2017 23:25

If it comes and doesn't go please seek help! It could be part of PND or underlying anxiety and can be treated.

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