Aibu to think that a friend who never replies when you suggest meeting up isn't really a friend?

[Dixeychick]

Need some advice - my formerly best friend always ignores me when I suggest meeting up. We used to be really close, hung out most weekends, she was one of 2 bridesmaids for me, I was one of 2 bridesmaids for her, etc. Since she got married she's been harder & harder to pin down, to be honest I think her husband doesn't really like me. For about the last 2 years, she'll periodically text me asking lots of detailed questions about my life & how I'm doing etc, and we'll text back and forth until I suggest we meet up in person, and then she always goes silent & doesn't reply. It's starting to get really irritating, just leaves me feel like she isn't interested in being my friend at all. What would you do? Leave her to it & move on, or keep suggesting hanging out to try & retain a little bit of what used to be a really special friendship?

The fact that she's showing such an interest in your life suggests she hasn't let go of you.
However, the fact that she avoids meeting up suggests otherwise.
The two situations combined suggest there's an external reason, possibly related to her new marriage, preventing her from meeting up.
If it were me I'd continue with the text exchanges (rather like people used to catch up in letters to one another with no other motive except they were interested in what was happening to the other person) but just drop the idea of meeting up - she might come back to it in her own time.

How's her husband? Controlling or jealous at All? Maybe he's trying to isolate her from you

Perhaps her husband is an arse!

I think it's got to do with her husband. He's a really nice guy, but really shy & has never been keen to get to know us. She tends to over-stretch herself with loads of social events & has lots of friends who guilt trip & pressure her into meeting up, which I actively avoid doing - I want her to want to be my friend rather than meeting up out of a sense of obligation. My guess is that he pushes her to say no to people, and because I don't pressurise her I guess I'm easier to say no to than some. The thing is, she has lots of friends who she sees almost every week - I'm lucky if I get 2 or 3 evenings with her a year. Maybe the answer is to just accept it & be there for her when she wants, but it leaves me feeling a bit pants.

Have you tried ignoring her when she does get back in touch? Try that. If she asks what's wrong, point out your last text and her lack of response. Then point out the consistency in that. Let her explain herself

Sounds like she’s in trouble. Don’t give up on her. X

I've not tried ignoring her messages, sometimes have said something along the lines of 'did you get my last message?' but she'll either say she didn't see it or ignore me. I'll be on maternity leave soon & she says she'd like to hang out during the daytime so we'll see if that happens. I keep trying but end up feeling rejected every time it happens so it's hard not to just give up on her.

I’m going through exactly the same thing with one of my supposed ‘best friends’ at the moment OP.

It’s really hurtful, she lives 10 mins down the road, I used to see her at least once a week and now, it’s about once every 3/ 4 months, yet she can go out ‘partying’ with the same people that she now sees week in and week out, every week but if I suggest going for drinks and a catch up I either get ignored or it takes her 4 weeks to commit to a date and then when I do see her it seems rushed.

I’ve had enough to be honest. I’ve decided now I’m not going to text her/ suggest meeting up again. If she wants to see me, she can make an effort for once. She WhatsApp’s me every couple of weeks, a silly meme or something, I’m like, that’s great, but I don’t need a penpal/ virtual friend?

So no advice, except I’m in the same position and have decided to stop trying and see if she does and if she doesn’t, well, I have my answer.

If she meets up with other people with no problem, I'd say she doesn't want to actually meet with you for whatever reason, and for that I'd not bother with her tbh.

I’m a bit like this wih my friend who I love dearly , am sorry to say
I have three dc who am really terribly overwhelmed with , especially th one year old who is a handful and barely sleeps . I’m either at a playgroup , the park , running my own business , he’s ill , or am too zonked out to go for a meet up somewhere .
I’ve noticed that whenever I have been tagged somewhere in social media which is probably about twice a year ( and that arrangement would have been through loads of planning , cancelling , and most likely I’ve been dragged against my will )she’ll instantly text me saying can we meet up . I do eventually meet up but to be honest I go silent sometimes as am terribly overwhelmed with other things going on . I care about her and when I see her I’ll ask her how things are going but it takes a lot for a meeting to happen

Does she see her other friends in the daytime or evening?

I have a similar problem with a friend I met a few years ago through a shared interest. We instantly hit it off and used to meet regularly on our shared day off, for coffee, lunches, shopping trips.

The shared interest tailed off, but we still saw each other, although not as regularly.

I know from FB posts that she sees another group of friends on our mutual day off, fine, I am happy to meet once every few months, and later in the day, or even on a weekend (we both have late teen kids now so more free time).

But - its always me suggesting we get together - we had arranged a date earlier this term. The day before, I asked if she was still ok to meet and got a 'can I confirm in morning' reply. I got the feeling she was waiting to see if she got a better offer and I didn't want to be 'stood up' at last minute when I could have arranged something else. I replied that if she couldn't make it I'd rather know sooner rather than later, at which point she cancelled.

It is almost a year since we last met. It is her birthday soon, I will drop off a birthday card but, like Canadianviews, I will now see if she makes the effort to see me. I dont think she will. I am sad, but I have other friends.

OP, I am that friend sometimes. Not because I do not value my friends but because I really do not feel up to meeting people a lot of the time, due to feeling anxious and unmotivated. Maybe your friend is going through a bad patch and her behaviour does not reflect her feelings towards you? She could still appreciat eyou but be finding it hard to get out and meet people?

Good grief she's actually replied! Maybe I wrote her off too soon. Thanks for the support ladies. I think it's going to be a case of giving her space, and what will be will be. Kind of sad to be so distant from someone I was once so close to but I suppose that's life.