Like I'm Jabba the Hutt with led weights on my ankles and a constant grey cloud over my head. I feel disgusting, ugly, fat, lazy stupid and so tired. Can't face going outside the house unless I have to. Reliant on caffeine and the mood enhancing properties of codeine, which fends off the headaches too. Borderline suicidal (anything small happens and I start thinking about it) and reckless with my health.
This is a nearly life long condition, which has come up every year or so. I get out of it by forcing myself to do things, go out, diet and eventually feel better. CBT does nothing for me. I know my thinking is bad, but it's what I sincerely believe and it's very ingrained. SSRIs have done nothing, either - have been in three different varieties.Have had psychotherapy too, which has helped a bit. Have come to the conclusion that I have complex PTSD from my youth, so have booked another therapist and am starting tomorrow. Can't afford it very well, but have to, since starting new job soon too.
No answers, but it's exhausting. I know it is bad for DS, who knows all's not well with me (despite me boing my best to try hide it) and DP, who feels anxious and angry at my lethargic state. This weekend, like most of them, I've not left the house or gotten dressed up. Have showered, though, and tidied up etc. so he doesn't get upset with me. Feel so guilty about it, but hate myself like this and it's so hard to shift a gear when all you want is just to sleep and eat.