Christmas savings

[Wellthatwasembarassing]

Who is BU in this?

I spent ages putting money into a savings account to save for a house. Then DP decided he didn’t want to buy a house and wanted to change careers instead. Using what he would have spent on the deposit on his future career. That’s cool. I’m all for bettering oneself but this is the 3rd time he’s talked about buying and backed out. Even when we’ve got as far as viewing the prospective homes.

Anyway. As a result I had my own savings that I felt would be best used for a rainy day and expensive times of the year. Christmas being one of them. I’ve saved up a decent amount that would mean we could spend certain amounts on relatives and also have a large amount for DP, DS and myself (each).

I’ve sugested that we get the Christmas shopping sorted but DP keeps saying things like “I don’t have any money” whenever I point things out that I think would be nice for certain people. When I point out that I had saved specifically for that he ignores me.
He has once said “I’ll need help with X Bill that’s coming out this month” and I said okay. He’s asked if I’d take it out of the Christmas savings and I said no I can take it out of my normal account as that’s not what those savings are for” and he just went quiet.
It feels like he really resents the idea of having a nice Christmas. Aibu to have saved up for this and should I just keep it minimal and spend on bills as he seems to want or should I stick to my guns and have a nice Christmas?

So when it suits him that cash gets dipped into but not when you suggest it? As you have saved it you can spend it on what you deem to be important. But I wouldn't be getting a mortgage with him at all tbh.

Ok firstly what is his explanation for not wanting to buy? Do you currently rent? It sounds like you didn't get a say over what he did with his half of the savings so I'm not sure why he thinks he's got a say in your half.

Also, does he have money issues? Why does he need help paying bills?

Sorry for all the questions but want to get a better idea before I comment further.

He seems to be like that with most decisions Justbook... it’s like if I suggest something he’ll smile and nod but not take it on board. Then when it’s too late will admit listening to me would have been a good idea. Next time an issue arises he does the same thing. I’m not sure if he’s just thick or really doesn’t care. It’s always about petty things though so if I bring it up I feel like an arse for turning it into an argument and people tell me I need to pick my battles as otherwise he’s a good guy. But surely if there’s an issue it needs resolving and we need to listen to each other? No matter how petty it seems to one of us?

I wouldn't be spending any of it on him, his relatives or his bills. He's backed out of buying a home with you 3 times and he doesn't seem to want an enjoyable Christmas with you?
I'd be saving every penny for a diposit on my own house and leaving him to sink if I were you.

We don’t have any issue with money that I’m aware of. We currently rent yes but the first two reasons were that the Work he’d be doing wouldn’t pay enough money which is fair enough we’d need that money. The last time he suddenly decided he needed a new career to earn more money as he is in the top tier for pay in his current job and has no option to go higher and earn more. He felt like it would be better to spend his deposit money on the course and then when he’s earning more we’d be able to get a better Home. I struggled with it at first because I felt like he’s done this so many times maybe he’s just making excuses not to buy with me but he insists that isn’t the case he just wants us to be in a better position financially.
The bill that needs paying only comes out once a year (car insurance) so I can see why he needs help as it’s gone up. I use the car the most so it makes sense that I pay something towards it. I’m happy to do that but I can afford to pay that from my normal account as I planned for it.
I just don’t get why he’s so anti gifts and having a nice bloody Christmas. I know we’re not all cheery jolly santa types when the wreaths and mistletoe come out but why not let me have my fun?

I couldn’t afford a mortgage on my own as my pay isn’t enough for what I’d need with DS I’d have to rent if I lived alone.

Renting alone is surely better than a mortgage with a man who holds your opinions as second rate?

It makes sense for him to spend money on progressing his career but you are absolutely entitled to spend your money as you wish so yanbu to want to spend it on Christmas. That being said, I would be expecting him to chip in for gifts (I assume you usually pool money for Christmas gifts for the family or he buys for his family). I'd also be keeping some back for rainy days as he doesn't seem to do this (car insurance as an example)

I'd make sure my finances were separated from his tbh. I wouldn't want him spending my savings on what he likes but then being dismissive and controlling about my spending.

He sounds flaky. Can you get a mortgage on your own? He sounds loke the kind of man who is going to see you work hard in life, save money and then drag you down whenever there is an opportunity for yoh to get ahead in life.
Please don't spend all your money supporting his dreams at the expense of your own.

Normally I drag him out shopping and sort everyone but me out unless his relatives have asked him for something specific and he seems to either go on eBay or groupon and grab whatever he can think of for me... he seems to mean well but he’s useless at gift buying.
To be fair we do treat both our bank accounts as family money. He earns over double what I do and as a result we both pay half the rent and he sorts most of the other bills out. I then help out where I’m needed to and my money is mostly spent on us as a family.

Cross posted with you re mortgage

Iwanna, I would also say he’s flaky although he does pay most of the bills. I can’t get a mortgage on my own but I’m not thinking mortgage any more. It’s not doable on my own and I definitely won’t be entering into one with him any time soon.

Sounds like he feels guilty about spending the rest of your savings, and maybe doesn't want anyone to know that the lovely Christmas is all down to you.

I guess the real issue here is he will say something, I will give my opinion and he will smile and nod but then act as though I’ve said nothing.

If he earns twice as much then that ought to be reflected in how bills are divided up.

Toasty I wish that were the case because I can easily reassure him but he’s never really been bothered with Christmas. He’s one of those “only buy presents if people need something” people and god forbid I ever ask him what he wants. I can normally get him something based on what I know about him but If I we’re to not tell him what I want I wouldn’t get a thing!!

I think I might actually ask him if perhaps he does feel peeved at the idea that Christmas is down to me? Or perhaps he just isn’t as enthusiastic about it as I am and resents spending good money on it?

People have different financial time horizons, imhe.
You are a planner- you budget and have savings pots for different purposes, reflecting your priorities. Perfectly logical. Your DH has two horizons, today and one-day, and they don't connect. So today he has to pay a bill, one day you will buy a house, and Christmas (being a whole 6 weeks away) is lost in the middle. Not logical, but not unreasonable either, especially among people who have either never been financially insecure, or just don't care about financial security very much.

That makes a lot of sense. He’s never had any financial worries either growing up or as an adult. He’s always had more than enough. I on the other hand grew up with a family who lost their house when I was younger and have been I situations myself where I have been paying off debt And struggling just to pay the rent/living off one very small meal a day if that.

I think if I talk to him about how important this stuff is he may come round and if that doesn’t help I’ll think some more about what to do next.