To not want to spend more time with my parents

[Imaginosity]

I live near my parents. We are not amazingly close. My brother does not think I spend enough time with them (I don't think its any of his business)

I find my mother difficult to deal with. She talks at me, drones on endlessly about people I don't know, or probes for information. She makes mean comments about people which I don't like. She's not the worst but I don't enjoy her company. I can't relate to people who have really close relationships with their mothers - although my MIL is lovely and normal and I can have a nice chat with her.

My dad is ok but quite over-bearing. He thinks he is right about everything. He also talks at you, like lectures about a topic, and you are expected to listen and nod and agree. I'm tempted to disagree with him for the sake of it - it brings out the worst side of me. I find it draining spending time with them.

I drop over once a week and spend about 30 or 40 minutes chatting to them. This is enough time for me to do my duty and not enough time for them to start getting to me.

I leave my DC's with them for about an hour on the days I call which they insist on and seem to enjoy. My DC's watch cartoons and eat some food with them.

For me this is more than enough interaction. My brother thinks its quite bad I don't call to them on Sundays too. To be honest I want to enjoy Sundays with my own children and go somewhere fun - not go over and sit with people who drain the life out of me. We are busy during the week and have little time together.

My brother also thinks we should all go away on holidays together.

My brother thinks my dad is a God and that he knows everything and can't understand why I don't feel the same. My brother is also a bit over-bearing and from time to time mentions how our parents have done so much for us to try and make me feel guilty. I think my relationship with my parents is none of his business.

My brother keeps saying one day my parents will be gone and I will feel terrible then - but I want to live my life now and enjoy it. My DCs will grow up and have their own lives. If we happen to get on well and live near by and they want to spend time with me then that would be great - but I don't want them to feel obligated just because I am their parent. I didn't have children so that they are obliged to visit me.
If I annoy them or bore them that is my problem and they should go off and live their lives to the full.

Some families just aren’t as close as others. The thought of going on holiday with mine fills me with horror. I would resist going away with them, they are probably not going to want the same type of holiday/activity. Tell your brother to keep out of it. His relationship with your parents is not the same as yours.

Once a week is completely fine. It’s more that lots of people do.

Your brother can spend as much time with them as he likes, but your time is none of his business.

Tell your brother you are not going to discuss your relationship with your parents any more, and if he can't respect that, you will be hanging up or walking away. And follow through.

You are doing what works for you and your family. It's no one's business but yours.

Just tell your db you wouldn't dream of taking up any of their time he could be spending with them!!

Gawd how have you not told him to get fucked already?

You visit more than I do. I also find being around my mother draining. She’s getting nasty as she gets older and as a result I don’t see her much. I wouldn’t hesitate in telling my brother to fuck off if he poked his nose in.

I'm sort of going through this. I think a weekly visit and an hour with your DC is sufficient. I know others spend more time. I used to visit three times a week (guilt tripped into it really- did plenty of housework and little jobs for parents). When I had my own DC, if coincided with z promotion at work. My life got really busy. So I did a mid week visit and one weekend visit. My mother kicked off. So I dropped it to a weekly visit. At the moment I don't visit much at all.

I do feel sad and guilty but she never visits me, wants to know anything about my life or acknowledges anything good about me.

So, I think I would stick with your visits. Why is your brother pressurising you? Do you think your mother is behind it?

I’m the same. Not close to DM and Stepfather is a moaning old bigot. I visit once a week and DS stays over now and then.

Yanbu. And definitely don’t do the holidaying Been there, Twas a fucking nightmare.

I think that you see your parents loads. I only see mine every couple of months (although I do ring at least every other day).

YADNBU

I hate all this guilting about “you should spend more time with your parents, they won’t be here forever”. Well, I don’t live my life like that, always behaving as if someone is on the brink of death. Especially with people whose company I don’t enjoy, who belittle me, and who have an astounding field of negativity around them.

There’s a view in the world (and on MN in particular) that elderly people are lovely old souls who’ve worked all their lives and deserve the earth. Often the tone of a thread changes if you mention the person you have a grievance with is elderly. Actually some of them are total rotters and that doesn’t change with age (I’m babbling now but hope this makes sense).

Go on them - tell us how much time ms effort DB makes?

Your bother should back off.

You and he are different people, you have different relationships with your parents.

I cant stand my family. I genuinely dislike seeing them ans spending time with them.

They are a bunch of vindictive, narcissistic, histrionic, selfish bastards.

Tell your brother to fuck off and back away from him too.

Dont encourage him. Just ignore his messages

Your brother is a sanctimonious twat. Do what works for you and ignore.