to ask about your friends/friendships?

[cjt110]

I feel I'm always on the outside. Of any group of people or whatnot. Always.

I moved to the area I live in aged 18 in 2005. I went to uni in a city that meant I commuted daily. I worked part time. I graduated, went onto a post grad in the town I live in. I've worked in all that time between now and then.

Any friends I do make, I feel I'm on the outside. Take one friend. K. Met at mother and baby group. She's not local to the area either but has lived here a long time. Got on great. Playdates etc. we've known each other about 2.5 years. Most of the communication is instigated by me of late yet I see her spending time with her other friends by her posts on facebook. I'm never included. Seems like a shit example but thats one.

At work I always feel like the dork. The one that isn't in the clique.

Is this just normal run of the mill adult shit or am I just odd that no-one likes me?

You're not odd. ☺️
What you say is very familiar. I know my perception is probably skewed by anxiety but it's horrible to feel everyone else has 'preferred' friends that aren't you.

leeks You've hit the nail on the head. It's not jealousy I dont think but pangs a bit of that. Friend was in a situation that could easily have helped out with, and offered, but she said X her friend was helping.

I have no long term friends due to moving around a lot as a kid and I'd say really, most people are just associates.

I wish I had 10+ year friends in my life who I still saw/mean something to.

I'm tired of being the effort maker. But if I don't then I don't see anyone!

I’m always on the periphery of groups. Have been since I was a teenager. I quite like it. I like to think of myself as a cool outsider .

RA yes, periphery. Thats it. I sound sad I;m sure but I think my only friends are my Mum and husband.

Turning a negative into a positive, Ra ;-)

A lot of the qualities that are valued by people I meet are not the ones I care about and not sure where to meet other peripherals.

If I'm completely honest, I'm quite stringent in any beliefs I have and I wonder if that is offputting. I don't talk about my opinuions etc but mine are very black and white with no greying in between.

I get nervous with people too. Hence why I feel like a dork.

And I invest in friendships. Perhaps too much

Do you mean you judge others and let them know? Or don't participate in certain things?
I'd rather like more people to have reasoned discussion with - my brain is turning to mush amongst superficial small talk which leads nowhere.

Sorry for no reply until now Leeks I'm not vocal with my beliefs unless challenged but I have quite traditional views and if people step outside of those, it makes me uncomfortable.

It sounds like you haven't fpubd the right group of your people yet. Totally stereotyping here but are your very traditional values linked to religion? Is there a social group at your place of worship that you could go to? O know my friend struggled when she refpubd her faith and found that church groups offered her a more similar line of people with similar values?

I’ve always been on the periphery. As I get older I don’t really mind. I don’t want to spend time with people I have nothing in common with so I have a limited circle but that’s fine by me! The thing is I do have a few 10+ year friendships but I’ve actually found that it’s my newer friends who understand me more. I’m trying to write this with a child in my face so sorry if this doesn’t make much sense!

SleepingStandingUp Not religion no. Just like.... If there is a rule, you follow it. Whether it be a sickness policy at work for example, or an unwritten rule which is based on tradition. For example, rightly or wrongly, someone IMO, should be married and steady in life before they have a child. Thats my own personal belief and I sometimes find it hard when people are way outside of that to reconcile in my mind. My cousin for instance has 5 kids to 3 different men. None of which she is with now. I find this difficult to reconcile in my own mind. I would never voice this to people though as I know it might hurt them

That makes sense Neon I think I struggle with the newer friendships as I try to hard perhaps.

Actually as someone who has friendships aged to about 25 years I have to say I agree with that too. With those were like family but I think if we met , would we be friends? With newer were basing it on who we are now so if it doesnt click you just walk away.

I've always been on the periphery of any friendship groups I've been involved with, and every single time from aged 5 to currently 23, I have been bullied eventually by my supposed 'friends'. So I have no old friends to fall back on. My one loyal friend from university now lives in a temple in another country having found religion and she has slowly stopped texting, forgot her goddaughters birthday and mine, and when she was back in the country kept putting off us meeting up and I saw via Instagram that she was on a plane flying back to her new home, it's heartbreaking as we were like sisters. I have been struggling for the last 2 years or so because I had a baby young and most of my peers are still in a party animal phase so I can't really join in anymore so get left out when plans are made. Older mums don't want to socialise with a younger mum, our neighbours who had a baby on the same day as us made that very clear. I've been out for a drink with a mum friend who is a similar age once since I had DD (who is 15 months) because she has her own proper friends and is extremely flaky. It's depressing but I am used to it now, but it's hard when it feels you make all the effort, I'm starting to think there is no point at all in trying to make and keep friends.

silkpyjamasallday My Mum, who I think is very wise, once said to me we have life stage friends. I think she's spot on. I have friends who I can box into "school" "college" "uni" etc. I don't necessarily speak to them anymore. There's no ill feelings but life just changed and moved on. That sounds like you?

My husband and I have been together for 13 years this year. I was the first person to have a steady relationship within my group of college friends. He's older than me too so I was in a different kind of relationship to my peers.

On occasions where DH and I have gotten into mutual friendship groups, it's fallen apart miserably and we felt we got our fingers burnt.

Are you working?

I too can put friends into categories dependent on life events and I acknowledge that some of those relationships ran their course and we moved on.
What I find most sad is that I feel I could still be good friends with some but geography doesn't allow it and they have new friends in new situations whereas I don't. My circumstances now make it harder to meet such similar people.

I wonder, cjt110, if you met someone you really clicked with but then discovered they e.g. had kids without being married - would it stop you being friends? I have difficulty understanding why people smoke, but either have to ignore it or make it a 'joke' with people I like.

Sorry to hear about your problems, Silk. FWIW, I'm almost the reverse - older mum surrounded by young ones with very superficial interests. The age isn't really important but like-mindedness is.

LeeksPotatoes I don't think it would stop me. But I don't have any friends with children who aren't married so who knows?

I know that of late I've had two situations with friends happen - one leaving her long term partner, and one being left by their husband that I have coincidentally noticed the friendship has waned. I put this down to them being at another part of their lives where they're enjoying themselves whereas I, and our friendship, belonged to the mum and baby era.