AIBU to feel overwhelmed

[JoieDeFuckingVivre]

NC as outing, possibly.

I just feel overwhelmed.

Married, 2 kids under 3, work part-time as a teacher. Have no extra support in terms of grandparents or close friends. DH is great and does his fair share but he leaves at 5.30am and is home between 5-7pm depending on work load. I have some good neighbours but they have kids and their own responsibilities. So I get both kids ready for nursery, drop them off, goto work, pick them up, give them tea and then DH comes home, sometimes in time to help with bath. Baby still wakes in night for feeds and toddler wakes at 5 every fucking day. I have no real time to myself. Grandparents are good but help out with other siblings' kids and have their own lives.
Gonna have to post this then update. Baby needs sorting.....

for you. It’s so hard carrying it all and I often feel overwhelmed too. I managed to speak to my husband recently and just saying how I felt helped. Things haven’t changed a lot but I feel he gets it a bit more. Try and explain how you feel and see if that lifts it a bit

You have a lot on your plate, and I can sympathize. My first two are 14 months apart, we are expats, I also had no help and a job. It is tiring.

What I can promise you is that it is a phase and with each year, it gets easier. You are in the most exhausting part now (and it will last another year or so, unfortunately) but my two are now 7&8, and a dream. They play together, encourage each other, do activities together.

Having them close together is difficult in the early years, but great from thereonin.

(Ps: No one will judge you if you relax your standards for a while...) x

Thanks for replies. Also feel like I'm working my ass off at work and at home and for no kind of recognition. For example, MIL (yeah I know!) never tells me I'm doing a good job or boosts my confidence but as soon as hubby has kids for like, 1 hour while I have "time out" doing the food shop, he's like some super dad. "Oh he's so good." All I get is underhand criticism for still breastfeeding and asking when baby will be on a bottle. No 'well done' for sustaining another human being for months on end. I know I should have some intrinsic motivation and self congratulate but my self esteem is crap. She often says about one of my SIL, who has three kids, that she "doesn't know how she manages" and "she does all that and works." But all SIL/BIL'S have support from their in-laws, friends, extended family.

I feel like I can't complain or off load as I get judged. SIL is painted as some super woman.

Then to top it off, I was on FB yesterday (again, I know....) and a friend who has 6 month old twins has started training for a fucking triathlon. There she was, all smileys an early morning selfie jog.

You’re keeping two kids alive, two under two’s at that!! You’re doing an amazing job. I only have one baby and feel overwhelmed a lot of the time and I have a lot of support.
Ignore MIL I’m sure she doesn’t mean any harm, she just notices her children’s accomplishments more. Not that it makes it okay but maybe easier for you to swallow.
Maybe ask your DP to have them for one whole day at the weekend and have a spa day or something? My DP takes our DD to his parents every other Sunday so that I can just chill at home and it makes a massive difference.

My boys are 14 months apart. Give yourself lot's of positive pep talks. I only survived by reading in 5 minute snatches as a treat and as a treat insuring day. I don't go on FB as it gets me down as other people run marathons with kids and I have not even managed any keep fit ever. It does get better as OP said mine are now 5 & 6 and play together all the time without me.

I also feel very overwhelmed too. I work 20 hrs per week around school hours and do all school runs, childcare, appointments. No grandparents to help out.

I do love being there for my children after school but the house is full of clutter and there's just no chance to get stuff done as every hour is spent either looking after kids (3 under 8), working, or doing the daily chores.

I'd love to know the secret to getting some spare time or energy!

Thanks again for replies. I know I'm not the only one. Toddler was awake at 4. He's knackered and driving me mad wanting to play with this then that. Baby crying!

So to continue. Not trying to drip feed but got so many things whizzing through my head! I envy DH who just gets in car and goes to work. Before I even get to work I feel like I've had a few rounds in the boxing ring. Getting two dressed, little bit of breakfast, me dressed, bags ready and wrestled into the car. DH moans about the traffic on his commute home but I'm envious of that as at least he has some time out, just listening to music!!! And now this is gonna sound REALLY bad....DH went to a funeral last week (a friends' uncle who he knew well) and I was envious of the "time out" he'd have there....quiet time in church then some drinks and nibbles! What a fucking bitch am I??!

Aw, OP, I feel your pain. I've got a nearly 3 year old and one on the way. DH works a 1 1/2 hour drive away so is out of the house by 7:30am and home between 7:30-8pm. I get up at 6am, get myself and DD ready, leave for work by 7am, drive for an hour, work till 4:30pm, drive to pick DD up from nursery or grandparents by 5:45pm - home, snack, spend time with DD, bath, bedtime routine, she's usually asleep by 8:30pm. Sometimes OH will cook, sometimes I will. Often I'm so exhausted I fall asleep with DD in her bed! Or just have cereal for dinner. The house is always a tip and there's always a mountain of washing to be done. It's not sustainable but we can't afford to have one income and work won't let me go part time. It's truly overwhelming. You have my complete sympathy x

And I definitely get the jealousy of your OH. Mine still plays tennis a couple of times a week - I'd love that time out. You're not a bitch. Be kind to yourself x

I totally get where you’re coming from! You’re exhausted, understandably!! And feeling really bloody unappreciated.

I was so rundown last year, I ended up in hospital. Decided enough was enough and got a childminder one day a week while my eldest was at preschool, to give me just a few hours break. I only did it for a year and it really helped. I got a cleaner for a couple of hours a week too, just for a few months, to help me keep on top of things.

I’m ok now, although it’s still hard at times, it does get better. Make any changes you can to make your life easier, it won’t be forever. Nursery, childminder, cleaner, more help from husband... And don’t ever feel guilty about it!

Jesus Stepaway that sounds bloody hard. I know DH knows it's hard but I don't think you can fully appreciate it unless you have done it. MIL always goes on about how hard he works and what a shit commute he has. Like I don't work?? She says I have "days off"! Yeah ok. She frequently tells me how she had no support from grandparents but as I politely tell her, she didn't work.

Oh star, sorry you ended up so unwell. I love my kids so very much and feel extra guilty at times because we had fertility treatment help to get them. So I feel I can't complain as such. Also my sister is a single parent so I don't ever want to moan to her, -although she has free, unlimited childcare thanks to my mum-.

Although she has free, unlimited childcare thanks to my mum

It doesn't sound like your DH is doing his fair share of everything - it sounds like he has finagled himself a job which involves being completely unavailable for child care.

Does your DH feel overwhelmed? If not, you are being exploited. Does he earn enough for you to give up work? If not, he is going to have to change jobs to pull his weight if you cannot cope on your own.

You are not primarily responsible for your children. Your husband is 50% responsible, and if he cannot support you not to work, then he needs to start contributing more to the daily grind of child rearing.

@JoieDeFuckingVivre - my MIL does that too!!! What's that about?! She always says 'he has SUCH a long drive'. Well, yes. He drives for 3 hours a day. But I drive for two hours a day and have all the childcare on top of that. As well as most of the other stuff that comes with running a house. Not sure how his day trumps mine, but still.

And I had three miscarriages before I got pregnant with this baby so get the feeling of guilt - but I know when he or she arrives and I'm sleep-deprived and doing everything OH will say 'well you wanted another baby!' as though his drive means he is exempt from helping out. Grrrr.

Please don't feel guilty, though. But do try to get as much help as humanly possible if you can. Apparently it gets better when they go to school?! Helpful. When DD was very little and not sleeping, I remember people saying "oh, don't worry, by three months she'll be sleeping six hours at night" and thinking 'three MONTHS?! I'm not convinced I can make it through the next three hours!'. Ah, the joys.

Husband does as much as he can when he is here. He will cook, kind of and play with the kids. He'll put washing machine on and sort clothes. Cleaning is down to me. Shopping is a joint effort, depends. I just feel all the responsibility on my shoulders. I've asked him to use his initiative a bit more and not check everything with me.

I can't give up work as we're already only just breaking even with my wage and childcare and tbh I quite like my job.

It is overwhelming. Keep pushing on through and I promise it gets easier (and actually quicker than I had thought it would). Ignore your mil. Mine never had a good word to say about me during the period you are in and made a whole load of comments that I felt were derogatory so I never felt I was doing as much as her when she was at this stage. Turns out she was hugely depressed and didn’t cope at all when’s DP and his sister were small and she was being defensive because she thought I was doing a much better job than she had. And so in one conversation I went from wanting to kill her to feeling hugely sorry for her. Your mil’s stuff is her stuff - don’t sweat it, just concentrate on getting from one day to the next and saying well done to yourself every night. It’ll be ok and you’re doing brilliantly.

Thanks puddle.

Sat here with baby asleep on boob, willing toddler to drop off!

But why can’t your DH clean in the evening? Or get bags ready the night before for you?

He rarely gets in until 6-7pm. Then it's making tea, bathing kids, eating and we're normally too knackered!

He came home early today at 4.30. Think he could sense the frustration and tiredness on the phone!

Baby still asleep but 3 year old awake since 5am. Baby woke three times in night - gonna be a long ass day.

Working part time is the worst of both worlds. You get to leave the house at stupid oclock and then come home and do everything a sahp does is less hours.

I get the resentment of dh working full time and not having to worry. It's not the physically doing the shit that needs doing. It's thinking about the shit that needs doing that is soul destroying.

Can your dh take any holidays in the next few weeks? A long weekend so you can have a break? So you can go and do some Christmas shopping. Mooch around the shops in peace and have a nice coffee or lunch? Or go do something you want to do. Anything just so you know you have a few hours off.

I'm going to try and get some downtime this weekend. Toddler hashed 2 hours nap and eating lunch now. Baby had lunch and needs a sleep.do people ever coordinate this shit???

I felt frustration for you reading your post OP... sending you are doing fabulously without being verbally appreciated.... sometimes people need to say.. hey you're doing bloody great... you're a great Mum...