This was a long time ago now (I left home years ago). But it still bothers me and I'd like to know, from strangers who won't mince their words, if this was abusive.
My mum was incredibly incredibly stressed, raising several children alone and having spates of unemployment with spates of working 4 jobs at once. I know she was stressed.
But I think she took it out on me unfairly and it's damaged our relationship. She claims it was normal.
Here are a few incidences that come to mind.
I was a very depressed child and was self harming before it became known and understood like it has been in the last decade or so (still a ways to go but back then it was unheard of) she would berate me for not coming to her, then I would try to talk to her about it and I would get pure venom.
For example, if she was doing the dishes I would get shouted at as she was busy. If she was getting ready for work I'd get shouted at as she had to go in 5 minutes etc. if she was sat down with a cuppa and a cigarette I'd get shouted at as it would be the first time she'd sat down all day. You get the picture, but then she'd shout at me for not talking to her anyway. Several times if I tried to talk to her while she was having a break I would be told I was just like my father (an awful, controlling, abusive man who has done his fair share of prison sentences) and trying to control her free time and that I obviously felt good at ruining her 5 minutes to herself. I always felt horrific when she said that to me.
As you can allguess by now I had some difficulties one of which was attending school. I now know I have anxiety, but again it wasn't known about then to a large extent. She promised me if I attended for four weeks straight she'd pay for me to go to a cadet camp I desperately wanted to go on. I struggled a lot to do it but mostly pulled it off, missing no lessons but 7 morning registrations in 4 weeks because I got overwhelmed and couldn't force myself to go through the school gates in time. She said this was fine and was proud of me as it was better than I'd done previously. Then the day before the trip had to be paid for we had an argument (I think it was because I didn't want to clean my room) she kicked off at me for this - understandably. I did what she asked but Then she said I couldn't go. On the day it was supposed to be paid for I was absolutely heartbroken but didn't really let it show - the next day I couldn't hide my feelings too well so just hid in my room and cried. She then admitted that she didn't actually expect me to do well, was sorry, but she'd spent the money she was supposed to use for it anyway.... horrible and I lost a lot of trust in her after that.
I accidentally woke her up one morning on another occasion, flushing the toilet at 5am. At 5am the next day she came into my bedroom and poured ice and water over me as "revenge".
She would accuse me of stealing things randomly. I never stole from her. But she always had eg one specific black plate she ate off while we had white ones. She would also use it to defrost cakes or things like that. One day she walked into the living room and threw a white plate at me, it cut my eyebrow. She then said well can I have mine back now since you've stolen it you horrible little thief? I quickly pointed out that It was on the counter with a cheesecake defrosting on it (where she had put it).
It's hard to put into words but living there was like walking on egg shells I struggled to do anything without being accused of doing something, stealing something etc. even though 9/10 I could quickly prove her wrong in about 3 seconds. (With the 1/10 being unprovable or she wouldn't listen anyway)
. So I moved out at 16. Our relationship has been strained for years and years since. But better than when I lived at home. I've tried to speak to her about her treatment of me recently, unsurprisingly to her it's all fine and normal but Aibu to think that it's awful parenting and maybe even abusive? I don't want to talk about it with anybody who knows me, so I'm asking here.