Feeling like there is no right way and she should stop projecting

[kitkatsky]

Trying to keep it short but I’ve been a single mum since my daughter was 1, financially a single Mum since before she was born due to a partner with zero budgeting skills. He left when she was 1 and has never paid maintenance, but they have a close relationship and I don’t pursue the maintenance as he is emotionally abusive. As he was unemployed when I gave birth I had to go back to work when DD was 10 weeks old and when he left I continued to work FT. It was the harder option at the time but I knew it’d pay off long term as I could provide a better future for DD, even though the sacrifice was missing out on her baby/toddler years. She’s now 6 and my career means we’re now doing okay- not loaded but I’ve been lucky enough to get a little flat and we’re comfortable.

Another mum recently told my daughter she was lucky to have a rich mother when dd asked if her dd would be attending a low cost school activity her dd will not and it really upset me. Said Mum chose to stay home til kids at school as she had supportive partner but it has damaged her career prospects and she’s working in a job she thinks is beneath her educational level. She’s also never been so badly off while working FT that there’s been a choice between buying your toddler shoes that fit or eating, so the rich Mum comment has really upset me

AIBU to expect that mums should support each other and show empathy and not judge based on experiences they know nothing about? Wouldn’t mind a devil’s advocate response as feel I might be being over touchy here!

Sounds a bit like she was trying to reinforce your daughter was lucky in a very very clumsy way.

Maybe she was just telling your child that not all kids are lucky enough to be able to do certain activities.

Or maybe she thought your child was showing off a tad.

Who knows? I really wouldn't give it another thought.

Who cares? Don't obsess over minutiae. What is wrong with being thought of as not dirt poor? Perhaps she knows you are a single mother and thought she was being helpful by making your child feel lucky.

You really need to put this in the category of "who cares", or you will be missing out on significant things in life while you focus on trying to have big fat rows with people and constantly taking offense at nothing.

Usually, when we feel very strongly about a minor comment, it is to do with our own insecurities. the more you think about it, the more those insecurities will play on your mind. Being able to be breezy and knowing when to disregard something minor is really important.

Look, you have done admirably by your daughter, but it's not a top-trumps situation. You feel she's belittling you but

Said Mum chose to stay home til kids at school as she had supportive partner but it has damaged her career prospects and she’s working in a job she thinks is beneath her educational level.

Is equally belittling and judgemental of her situation. How do you know her situation, fully? Maybe she lost her job, maybe her children needed her at home, hell even choosing to do so is a bloody tough thing, knowing you're shooting yourself in the foot career wise. Nothing wrong with feeling you're above a job education wise either, or at least I used to wonder why I spent huge amounts going to uni whilst I served drunks and cleaned toilets. I'm always happy to work any which way, but nothing wrong with thinking 'I could be doing better'.

I think she was very clumsy in what she said, however only you know if there was any malice in it. Probably not.

Tbh I think her comment was rude. Ugh “rich mummy”? Who says that? But, that just shows she has no manners. I really wouldn’t read any more into it than that. As pp says, it isn’t top trumps is it? I doubt she is making the judgements you think she is.

AIBU to expect that mums should support each other and show empathy and not judge based on experiences they know nothing about

The same goes for you. What you say about her is just as bad. Sounds like you’re after a pat on the back.

Besides which, if your 6 year old told you this I’d be wary that you’re only getting half or none of the story. Children that age don’t make reliable witnesses.